Social Dynamics and Asperger's Syndrome

Friday, 3 June 2022

"You'll meet her when your not looking" The PROBLEM

So many times when I talk about my lack of dating success, I get told something like "just relax, chill out more, the right girl will turn up when you least expect it...."

Now, if I was 20 years old, and was REGULARLY meeting datable women, I could except this fine. However, being 40 years old, and having been to many singles events, speed dating and other meet-up type events over many years, and now actually having a decent social life (largely thanks to covid ironically) and having been to many salsa dancing classes and events in recent years...and seriously NOT seeking to date anyone, just being around friends...then one has to realise I am talking about my dating frustrations IN VIEW of the fact that I HAVE been doing exactly what you said...yet when after so many years of being socially active and STILL you have little dating prospects, or at least not knowing how to utilise them...then if you want to change that it is no good just saying "it will happen when you're not looking".

I don't want to be in this situation at age 70, 60, or even 50, look at attractive young girls while I'm looking old and grey and think "if only I tried when I was younger". But the only way to PREVENT those feelings when you're older (which I'm starting to get already is to TRY HARDER when you're younger.

And with ANYTHING ELSE in life that you want to achieve, such as learning to drive, acquiring a skill like playing an instrument, or taking up a certain sport, or losing weight, you are expected to accomplish this through EFFORT and DETERMINATION and there is NO STIGMA attached to saying you are TRYING, people will admire you for this.

Want to lose 3 stone? "Oh the weight will drop off when you stop thinking about it...?" Of course not.

So if you're aim is to improve your dating and relationships life, you're in a CATCH 22 if appearing to TRY is going to be detrimental to your success!

Anyway here is what I'm thinking when I hear people say "it will happen when you're not trying"

If you are a MAN, women will RARELY be direct and tell you straight that they fancy you, or ask you out, they will rather give off subtle hints in the hope you will make the first move. There's been a few occasions when I thought this may be happening, in which case I had to think VERY hard about how to ask her out, but for the most part, I CANNOT READ THE SIGNS. People have told me about these types of situations retrospectively but at the times I just don't see it. And the times in which it happens are probably too few and far between to become good at noticing the signals, and usually require instant response when you least expect it.

Given that is the situation, and women are very rarely going to be direct, then HOW, as a MAN can you expect it to just 'happen'?

Hello

I am a man in his late 20's, living in Southern England, working as a clerical assistant in an office, and learning to get through life with Asperger's Syndrome. To those who are unfamiliar, Asperger's Syndrome is a social communication disorder, a mild form of autism. As for me, it is not something that is noticable to most people, and I hope it is in effect a disability which is tantamount to being half deaf in one ear. If your friend is has only 50% hearing in one ear (as one friend of mine has) most of the time you would forget it and you certainly wouldn't regard that person as disabled. There would be occasions though, when you would have to remember they're partially deaf, and allow for the fact they might not always hear you so well. The same is true with having Asperger's. In a straightforward situation when everything is going smoothly, you might as well forget I have Asperger's. However when things get more difficult, particularly in a social setting, the effects of Asperger's Syndrome will become more noticeable. The purpose of this blog is to discuss the issue of social interaction from the perspective of one with Asperger's Syndrome. I by no means am intending to speak for all Asperger's people, but I do hope to enlighten my readers, through my thoughts, observations and experiences, as to some of the struggles and difficulties Asperger's people have in social settings. This is my personal blog so I may occassionally deviate away from the topic to Asperger's Syndrome. Whilst much of what I have written here is very blunt and direct, much of it is also very much related to my thoughts at the time of writing, and in view of a particular situation I find myself in. You cannot guarentee that what Isay in a partcular post reflects how I think of feel about something at all times. I have decided to keep my indentity anonymous, and names of individuals have been changed to protect their identities too. That said, I would delighted to see people get in touch with me. I really would love to make this an interactive blog with two way communication between myself and my readers, and if anyone wants to get to know me better, especially people from Southern England, I will be especially pleased to hear from you. I am happy to reveal my identity to some people, just not everyone who browses this site on the world wide web.