Please, Please, Please, Allow Me To Explain Myself

Today I had a conversation with my parents that unfortunately was rather disheartening. Sometimes it really gets to me the fact that as a 28 year old I have never had one girlfriend in my life. When it comes to women, I feel very much like an Older X Factor or American Idol contestant, who is a great singer, yet has tried for years to make it for years in the music industry and has never had their big break.

I have tried a lot in the past seven years, placing ads in the local paper and responding to them, siging up to a few dating websites, and trying to build a social life in general. Out of all the people I meet at work and other groups, only half of them will be female, a smaller percentage will be nearer my age, some of which will be in relationships, and others of which will not fancy me and vice versa or are just not suitable dating material. Most of the time on the Internet I will see a girl who looks interesting, send a quick message to say "Hi, how's your week going?" etc and the vast majority of the time they'll never get back.

Now my Mum thought (very hope she's wrong, as she doesn't see me in social situations much these days) that my problem may be that people first notice my Asperger tendencies about me, and may instinctively believe I am not ready for a relationship. I can quite suspect that people will notice me looking rather anxious, having to concentrate hard to follow conversations, and maybe appearing a bit distant and not getting jokes. I often feel that many people, though certainly not all but probably the majority of younger people, just don't really know how to relate to me, They'll be friendly enough, but they might think there is something not quite right that they cannot pinpoint, and wouldn't be inclined to invite me to social events or have me as part of their "in" crowd.

Now this is where I say "please, please, please, allow me to explain myself." I never know exactly what people are thinking, but if my suspicions are correct, I really want to have the chance to explain why I am that way. I would hope that if the people in question, especially potential girlfriends, realised the reason why I may appear anxious or uneasy in social settings is because I am having to concentrate harder to follow what's benig said, which invariably will impact my facial expressions, and if I can explain the complixities of jokes and reason with them how abusard it is to expect one to understand a joke in a flash etc, then I would hope people would take back any reservations they have about me as a person. If this is with potenial girlfriends, that they would be persuaded not to rule me out, knowing that these things do not signify unfriendliness, but are things that are just unavoidable (to a degree) for one with Asperger's.

On a slightly different note, what I really need right now is a viable means to meet many local, single girls of my age group. I am good looking and think I have much I can offer a girl but don't get the chance to demostrate my abilities in this way. I don't think pubs and clubs are that viable for me. Internet dating seems like a dead-end for me. In other situations one may bump into the odd single girl here and there, but when it's only the odd girl there is a limited chance the two of you would be compatable (I'm not settling for any old girl.) Maybe I should attempt to organise something?

Isn't It Absuard that We Should Expect People to Understand Jokes Like This?

Me:            has just put the heating on for the first time tonight.
My friend:  EASY TIGER!LOL

The above is a transcript of what I posted on my Facebook wall a few days ago and a comment a friend of mine made in responce. Does it make any sense to you? I certainly was a bit confused when I first saw the words 'easy tiger' posted in responce to me putting the heating on, as its getting colder in the flat these days.

However after about 15 minutes, incredibly, it clicked. The 'easy tiger' comment was based on what could be an alternative meaning to 'putting the heating on'. It was as if I was talking about heating up as in getting into a night of sexual passion, and the comment was asking me to go steady and not too fast with it, as if I was like a tiger getting in on his prey. It was actually quite funny when it clicked, so I replied to the comment saying "um, didn't quite undestand what you meant by that initially but it's just clicked and you've made me laugh now." Needless to say, I wouldn't normally have got such a joke, and certainly not instantaneously in a wider social setting.

Jokes Like This are Way Too Complicated for Some of Us

The reason why such a joke is complicated is because one must go through many leaps in their thinking in order to understand it. Firstly in this case, the words 'easy tiger' means nothing much in itself. To understand it you must recognise that the word 'tiger' is not being used as a literal noun (not talking about the animal) but is being used in the sense of calling someone by such a name as their behaviour in some way resembles that of a tiger. The word 'easy' is not referring to something being easy to do in its literal sense but really is used as a way of saying 'go easy, steady on.'

Secondly, in order to understand the joke one must have at least a vague idea that the word 'heating' can be referred to in reference to the build up of sexual passion, something that I probably wouldn't have known if it wasn't for one or two pop songs (i.e. Senorita by Justin Timberlake "It feels like something's heating up, can I leave with you?"). Yes even people Asperger's Syndrome may eventually pick up a few thing like this, although it may take a lot longer!

There is of course an enormous difference between flicking a switch in your cupboard to turn on your central heating and sexual activity, and there is absolutely no logical reason why anybody would make any connections between the two, and no logical reason for even thinking someone could be making a reference to sex after you mentioned you've put the central heating on. If you could bring up sex you could bring up virtually any subject after putting the central heating on.

So there is both issues about content, and about vocabulary here. And considering the whole manner of subjects one could bring up there is no logical reason why one would be lead to think it could be about sex. In short your mind has to make many invisible connections to work out what 'easy tiger' could mean after commenting about putting the heating on. Well I suppose the fact I had posted comments recently about online dating but have helped give some clues?

All this may seem unimportant, until we recognise that these are the kinds of jokes that are frequently exchanged in pubs and other social occasions, where one is expected to 'get it' in a flash! And if you don't get it you can be made to feel like the odd one out, socially incompetent, insular, as if there is something wrong with you. Whilst one may occassionally get lucky and the meaning of the joke will click immediately in one's mind, it is highly irrational to expect people to get jokes like this in a flash, as it involves working out a great number of variables (content, vocabulary, whether it's a verb or noun etc) all instantaneously and putting them all together connecting all the dots with minimal clues given, having to make invisible leaps in the mind between one thing and another, with no clear sense of direction.

Next time you see someone who understand a joke, please show some sympathy and realise that for some people, some intelligent people, the whole thing is just far too complicated, especially in a busy social setting.

Why it Sometimes is Just Not Worth the Effort

As this weekend is not proving to be the most exciting and a little empty, and having felt mildly dispondent about the way my plans had turned into on Saturday evening (they were worthwhile though never especially exciting in the first place), I was thinking of going to an organised social today, which was a meal out. I haven't been to any organised socials for some time now, and I have decided not to renew my subscription to the organisation when it expires next week, although I probably will come back at some point, possibly sooner rather than later. At the moment life is very busy in the week with work and college, but I just wish I could have some more exciting social occassions for the weekends, particularly Saturday evening, with people around my age.

I was up till about half twelve last night thinking about whether I should go or not. In the end I decided against going. The reason? Basically I just couldn't be bothered, it didn't seem worth the effort. Having thought through whether or not to go made me think of two things. Firstly, the things I hope for at a social occassion, where I am meeting new people or people I don't yet know very well. Secondly, what in practice do will normally happen at such an event (in contract to my hopes).

My Hopes for Social Occassions

I don't generally go to social events with these specific hopes in mind, but unwittingly, when I am on my own imaging a good social occassion, feeling in mood for socialising, these are the kinds of things I hope to get out of a social.

I hope to get onto conversation topics that are stimulating, whereby I am given the chance to express my thoughts on something, to demonstrate something of my personality, and something of my knowledge. An example of this would be when I was asked if I was watching Big Brother and it lead to discussion about contestants on past series and the activities they did, and how I would feel if I was on there. Such a conversation was an enabling one, it enabled me to express my thoughts in a way that I was keen to do so. Another good thing is when people who don't know you that well say what they think of you, who (celebrities maybe) they remind you of, as it is interesting to see how close they may be to the truth. It's very good when people also instinctively work out what you might be good at and your positive qualitites. Obviously there are some questions I don't want to be asked, and generally these types of conversations require the other people to have an instinctive sixth sense, so they can identify what may be good subjects to raise. And by the way, this is not the type of social discussion that can be planned, so if you're trying to plan your next conversation with me based of these principles, forget it.

Another thing that makes a social especially good is any flirting (by young women) directed at me. Any hints, (or even jokes sometimes), that a girl might find me attractive will have me on a high till at least the end of the day.

Above is What I Hope for but in Reality it Normally Goes Something Like This

A typical social will consist of me doing my best to approach people, introducing myself, shaking a few hands, trying to break the ice, asking them things like "how's your day been?", "where abouts do you live?", "what do you do for a living?" and vice versa, with the two of us, trying to dialog with each other on fairly mundane issues. I normally end up repeating things about myself that I say to loads of people, explaining to people that I do a basic clerical office job, that I live in a flat, that I travel by bus etc. When someone tells me what they do for a living, it's not always something I know much about, and rarely brings about things I can relate to, so the best thing I can do is just nod "OK" etc and the conversation will generally amount to both of us exchangnig a few fact -  "this is what I'm about", and "this is what I'm about", maybe exchanging a few mildly common interests or experiences, but barely going any further.

In a larger group, I find I am more likely to make an ill-judged comment (due to the pace of the conversation) that will be met with a "you haven't quite understood" responce, than I am to make others laugh. I may well unwittingly interrupt, misjudging whether I had the appropriate window of opportunity to make my statement. And oftentimes the conversation topics will go onto subjects of which I have little knowledge or experience.

I may leave such a social event with a feeling that you haven't performed too well. And that is why, on some occasions, going to a social event is just not worth the effort.

My day out in London. A talk on Relationships and an Organised Social

On Saturday 31st July I went to London for the day. I was there for two reasons. A few weeks ago I was sent an email about a talk that was to take place for men, about how to chat to women, how to approach and communicate and hold conversations with women in order to attract them, and find a relationship. It sounded just like the kind of thing I wanted to hear about so I booked my place, and went to London on Saturday to hear the talk.

Then after that, I planned to go to another organised social in London. The group which arranges the organised socials I go to operates in many cities across the UK, so I thought I'd take the opportunity to go an event in London, mainly for the purposes of practicing my social interaction skills.

Review of the Talk on Relationships

I arrived at the hotel at 12:30pm, I was the first one there, and it felt strange sitting on my own for 5 minutes or so in Suite 1 of this posh hotel. Eventually other guys turned up, about twenty five in total, and then the talk began at about 1:00pm.

The speaker gave some helpful tips during the talk on how I should communicate with women, and what not to do, things I definitely appreciated hearing and will take on board. However, there were aspects I did not like. Now I came to this event to hear a talk, I did not go to play games. Yet there was an element of role play involved which I did not appreciate and I basically opted-out of it.

Abuot 40 minutes into the talk, the speaker asked all the guys to stand up and greet each other in a monotonous, unenthusiastic way. Well I was fine with that, after all I hadn't really said Hello to many people I joined in. However, after that the speaker asked everyone to go up and greet everyone with energy and enthusiasm. Now this I was not comfortable with. I was getting quite tired after a busy morning travelling up to London, and I'm not really inclinded to greet people I don't know in such a way. So I basically stayed up my chair and allowed people to greet me.

Then thirdly came the tipping point, where the speaker asked everyone to greet others as they would greet someone they hadn't seen in years, like an old school friend. Now I was not up for this kind of acting, so I decided I would opt out. I did not move out of my chair at this point. There were two ladies in the room assisting, I don't know if they were hotel staff or the speaker's assistants, and they tried to greet me in such a way. I tried to explain I wasn't hear to role play I was hear simply to listen to a talk.

Then a bit later on the speaker tried to get everyone to jump up and down, to scream and celebrate, the idea being to help people get in the mood for chatting to girls, because, as the speaker said, you will impress women far more if you have energy and excitement and in a fun mood. Now there was no way I was going to do this. The speaker said "everybody stand up" and everyone stood up bar me. He tried to nod at me as if to get me to stand, but I just shook my head, so it went on with me opting out.

During the break, I tried to explain, politely of course, to one of the speaker's assistants that I did not apprecitate all the role-play, and that for me, far from getting me in the right mood, it would be more likely to make me feel uncomfortable and would distract my attention to what he may say next. I also made a clever point which is as follows. The speaker made the point that in approaching women we must act as men, and be seen to be in control of our decisions and be able to take the lead. I said to the speaker's assistant girls that if by refusing to join in I was acting like such a man, in control, doing what he wants rather than following another man's lead. They said it was a 'good point'.

There was also an element of mind control during the meeting that I did not appreciate. The speaker at times asked people to close their eyes and visualise themselves in different situations. Again I kept my eyes open and opted out. I came to the meeting for practical tips on speaking to women, for which I did get some useful tips. I did not come for any knd of psychological manipulation or role-playing games.

However I did take the opportunity afterwards to try to chat to a few women in Green Park and around the streets of London, taking on boards some of the things said, though I was genuinely too tired to do this properly.

The Organised Social

I booked by place on the organised social in the evening partly as a means to practice any skills I could pick up at the event. I'm not sure if I really succeeded in this as I was really quite tired by the evening and the place was very loud. Nevertheless it was nice being able to mix in with a different crowd, and the fact I wasn't likely to meet such people again enabled me just to attempt to experiment a bit socially (I don't think I experimented much though). It was hard as a visitor to London knowing what to say, but it was still a worthwhile time I had.

I would have liked to stay later, but I ended up leaving the organised social at 10:00pm, and eventually arriving home sometime soon after midnight (which tends to be about my bedtime anyway during the week). Needless to say, the following afternoon I was feeling quite shattered, after such a busy day with so much to take in.

Oldies are easier to come by

Before going into this post I wish to explain to any readers who may be wondering why I haven't posted anythnig here for over a week now. Basically I am a very busy man, I have to work 37 hours a week in the office and I've been working hard writing articles for Suite101. So its been quite hard finding the time to post anything here.

Besides I have been to quite a few social events recently, and have had a fantastic weekend. Though I am very analytical it's often hard to know how to explain everything and sometimes I don't have the time.

However, at an organised social I went to at the weekend, I got into a very interesting conversation with a few other 20 somethings. Basically, they were saying that it can be very difficult in your 20s to meet new people of a similar age. That's in the case of someone who is not in college or university, and has with few friends in their area, either they're new to the area or their friends have all moved away or married off etc.

One girl was saying that, whilst people may think the way to find friends is to join a club i.e. a sports club or hobby group, the same problem arises, everyone is much older. It was really intersting for me to hear this as it was the very thing I discovered about seven years ago, at a time when I was desparate to make friends of my age.

The thing is it appears that the oldies are easier to come by because they're more likely to belong to organised clubs. The 20 somethings will tend to hang around the pubs and clubs more, and whilst it is possible to meet new people there, that is very difficult if you go in on your own and try to start a social life from scratch there - you need to be part of a core group of friends to begin with.

The once people marry and have children, usually in the 30s, they become very busy becoming tied down with family commitments, unable to go out much, either to organised clubs and societies or out to pubs and clubs, and in any case such people are unlikely to have the time to build up new quality friendships.

It's only when people reach about 45 when they get to the empty nester stage of life do they find they have more time and may be inclinded to join a club of some sort - hence why oldies are easier to come by.

Now so no-one misunderstands, I have a very good relationship with many people much older than me. I have served on the committee of my local branch of the UK Independence Party for many years where everyone else is in their 50s, 60s and 70s. And I'd encourage all young people to integrate with older people.

However, when you are in your 20s and the only people you ever get to meet are much older than you, you do have a big problem, because as nice and kind-hearted as many older people are, there are some things they cannot offer which someone you're own age can. There is no scope for a relationship with older people, and interaction is usually not quite on the same wavelength.

This is a problem we all need to be aware of, whatever types of circles we mix in.

Report on an Organised Social on Saturday Night

I went to another organised social on Saturday night. This one was fantastic for me. Although there were a few slightly difficult moments I was very happy throughout the night.

When I entered the pub, I instantly saw a number of people I knew and the first person to say 'Hi' was Maria, who I am particularly fond of. Now my fondness for Maria is not a sexual thing, though she is an attractive lady. To cut a long story short, when I met her at a previous event I found her very interesting, as I thought she was acting rather suggestively towards me, being rather touchy, mouthing the words of the song being played towards me etc, and this is not something I'm used to. On another occasion I managed to get to know her better as a person in a quieter setting, and we had a good conversation and got to know each other better.

Now I went to sit down close to the main circle where people were sitting, just slightly to the edge as there wasn't a space as such. It's hard in any case to join in the conversation, but one thing Maria is very good at is including anyone who may not be interacting much and helping them mix in. So I was very happy. I chatted to several others too, including Martin, a quiet guy, whom I feel I get along with quite easily and is someone whom I feel is on a similar wavelength to me.

There was another group at the other side of the bar, and I found an approriate time to move towards that end and successfully managed in mingle with a number of people, some I knew and some I didn't. It is worth noting that conversations can often revolve around the different events the organisation puts on etc.

One interesting encounter was when I confidently approached one girl and had mistaken her for someone else! (they did look similar) This was quite a good thing, it got her laughing a bit as made a nice ice-breaker.

During the course of the evening I was pleasantly suprised to see a quite a few people I was not expecting to be there. Though it was a good evening there were a few little problems. One is that after a couple of hours of socialising I do get tired, especially in a noisy environment. Sometimes it became hard to even hear what others are saying. Maria was very helpful here. If I ever looked a bit anxious I could just explain that I'm getting tired etc. I haven't told her I have Asperger's yet by  the way.

As the place was becoming very crowded and hot, we decided at one point we would move onto another bar. However the process of deciding to move on and then actually moving on was at least half an hour. I tried to mingle whilst waiting around, and I fear that one lady, who I hadn't met before may have misunderstood me. She said something like "why can't you just enjoy it."

This is one thing I want people to understand. Someone with Asperger's may at times look like they're anxious, not because they're upset or being grumpy etc, but because they're having to concentrate harder than everyone else in the social situation and the fact their concentrating invariably cannot be hidden from on their facial expressions. I tried to explain to the lady that I was tired in some sort of way (didn't say I had asperger's).

At one point I said to Maria, that we needed to find out who was going on and where we were going, so we wouldn't all lose each other. She suggested I tried to round people up to see who was going. I attempted, didn't feel I was doing very well at it, but Maria said "I like it."

In the end a large group of about a dozen of us in total went onto another place. I walked with Maria and a couple of others. Though I was very happy, I often find when people are joking around (as they do when walking from one pub to another) the conversation goes above my head. I do have my sense of humour but it doesn't really fit in with those types of situations.

We arrived at a club by the beach with an outdoor seating area. We initially went into the main club room to buy our drinks. This is not an environment I'm that familiar with, and I was overawed with the crowds and the noise. Maria kept saying to me, in a caring and friendly way "are you alright?" I just explained that there's  lot to digest and she totally understood. Maria told me she worries about everyone in this way.

We sat in the outside area to have our drinks. The others who came along joined us. All in all it was a very nice time. At around 1:00am, Maria's friend really wanted to go home, she didn't like the place, but Maria wanted to stay out until sunrise. Well I was not prepared to stay till sunrise but was not in a rush to go home either, and the idea was for the three of us to share a taxi home, as we all live in the same direction. I think I even may have used a few skills in negotiation that night, in trying to find out exactly what people wanted to do to clarify things and see if we could agree to something. I suggested that we make a compromise by agreeing on a time to leave. Maria eventually decided that she'll "have to be an adult" and go earlier than she'd like.

Maria, her friend and myself all got a taxi home, which was really nice. It was wonderful to feel included in the group. I think I helped to negotiate how we would share the costs of the journey too. All in all a great night out and felt very much on a high afterwards.

The Toilet can Sometimes be My Best Friend

Here is a common pattern that takes place with me at organised socials when I am trying to mingle around and talk to people. Firstly, I get into a conversation with someone or with a few people. Then, either with one comment from someone or just gradually, the conversation changes direction into a topic which I don't know much about or cannot discuss easily. Initially I will try to follow along, and see if there is anything I can say to contribute to the conversation, but after two or three minutes, I start to feel conscious of the fact that I am getting a bit isolated. After about five minutes I might begin to feel it is time to move on and try talking to someone else, sometimes also spotting someone else I want to chat to. However I don't want to appear rude and just walk away. What I need is a get out excuse.

The tactic I have somehow developed is to say 'excuse me' then go to the toilet (its quite often at these moments I actually need the toilet, to a certain degree) as my way out of the conversation. Then once I'm out of the toilet, I can go back to the main room, and hopefully find someone else to talk to.

Often in a pub or a noisy environment, the toilet can be the one place to go for a brief respite, collect your thoughts, and prepare yourself once again to go back and socialise, maybe even to have another brief look at your social preparation notes from your pocket while no one is watching. Everyone needs to go occassionally, but no-one knows when you need to go. The toilet can sometimes be your best friend.

Introducing Myself - My Background

It is difficult to know how to start a new blog, so I decided the best way was for me to give you some background to my life so far as social interaction goes. This is just an overview, details will follow in due course in later posts.

The majority of children with Asperger's Syndrome wish to make friends with their peers but find themselves unable to know how to do so. I was not like this. Up until the age of about 20 I had no real interest in making friends with others my age. I lived at home with my family and always wanted time to myself. Oftentimes when I was growing up the first thing I would do on Saturday morning was to go outside and talk to my imaginary people, and would spend the school playtime doing the same, wanting the other kids to leave me alone. That said I did develop a few friends in my primary school years, even going to their houses after school on occasion, quite how that happened I do not know. However by the time I started secondary school I really was not interested at all in making friends with my peers. I think that might have been to do with the impressions I had of teenagers when I was a young child and thinking "I could never possibly be like or fit in with them."

In my teens, my social life outside the family basically amounted to latching onto my parents' friends occasionally, usually other middle aged couples, because that is what I found safe, easy and comfortable. For instance when my parents invited another couple round for dinner I might join them for the meal then go upstairs once I'd had enough and talk to my imaginary people. 

However, about a year after I had started working, which was around late 2002 - early 2003, I started to want my own friends of my own age. I felt I was missing out on my youth. Now today I have a good social life, although I still do many things by myself. I have some great friends, from a mixture of different places, and I have found a means of being able to meet more new people regularly, which is very important for me. However in the past seven years or so I have worked hard to develop and build friendships with some key opportunities and many frustrations along the way. I have learnt much about the social world, something I was clueless about when I was 20, and this has caused me to analyse the social dynamics of different situations that I am in or observing.