Please, Please, Please, Allow Me To Explain Myself

Thursday, 11 November 2010

Please, Please, Please, Allow Me To Explain Myself

Today I had a conversation with my parents that unfortunately was rather disheartening. Sometimes it really gets to me the fact that as a 28 year old I have never had one girlfriend in my life. When it comes to women, I feel very much like an Older X Factor or American Idol contestant, who is a great singer, yet has tried for years to make it for years in the music industry and has never had their big break.

I have tried a lot in the past seven years, placing ads in the local paper and responding to them, siging up to a few dating websites, and trying to build a social life in general. Out of all the people I meet at work and other groups, only half of them will be female, a smaller percentage will be nearer my age, some of which will be in relationships, and others of which will not fancy me and vice versa or are just not suitable dating material. Most of the time on the Internet I will see a girl who looks interesting, send a quick message to say "Hi, how's your week going?" etc and the vast majority of the time they'll never get back.

Now my Mum thought (very hope she's wrong, as she doesn't see me in social situations much these days) that my problem may be that people first notice my Asperger tendencies about me, and may instinctively believe I am not ready for a relationship. I can quite suspect that people will notice me looking rather anxious, having to concentrate hard to follow conversations, and maybe appearing a bit distant and not getting jokes. I often feel that many people, though certainly not all but probably the majority of younger people, just don't really know how to relate to me, They'll be friendly enough, but they might think there is something not quite right that they cannot pinpoint, and wouldn't be inclined to invite me to social events or have me as part of their "in" crowd.

Now this is where I say "please, please, please, allow me to explain myself." I never know exactly what people are thinking, but if my suspicions are correct, I really want to have the chance to explain why I am that way. I would hope that if the people in question, especially potential girlfriends, realised the reason why I may appear anxious or uneasy in social settings is because I am having to concentrate harder to follow what's benig said, which invariably will impact my facial expressions, and if I can explain the complixities of jokes and reason with them how abusard it is to expect one to understand a joke in a flash etc, then I would hope people would take back any reservations they have about me as a person. If this is with potenial girlfriends, that they would be persuaded not to rule me out, knowing that these things do not signify unfriendliness, but are things that are just unavoidable (to a degree) for one with Asperger's.

On a slightly different note, what I really need right now is a viable means to meet many local, single girls of my age group. I am good looking and think I have much I can offer a girl but don't get the chance to demostrate my abilities in this way. I don't think pubs and clubs are that viable for me. Internet dating seems like a dead-end for me. In other situations one may bump into the odd single girl here and there, but when it's only the odd girl there is a limited chance the two of you would be compatable (I'm not settling for any old girl.) Maybe I should attempt to organise something?

1 comment:

Cat12 November 2010 at 10:53
I think this blog is fantastic - really interesting and illuminating. I'd encourage you to share it widely! Would it be ok if I shared it with a friend of mine?

If it's at all comforting it's difficult for many people to meet suitable partners (and internet dating is so discouraging!), and I think it's a great idea to organise something, maybe a small group night out with a mix of male and female friends. Perhaps you could ask a couple of friends to each bring another friend of the opposite sex so you have a nice mix? That way you'll have a couple of people you know and trust, and a couple of new people to meet too?

I'll keep reading your great blog and look forward to hearing about your night out!

Cat Carter
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Hello

I am a man in his late 20's, living in Southern England, working as a clerical assistant in an office, and learning to get through life with Asperger's Syndrome. To those who are unfamiliar, Asperger's Syndrome is a social communication disorder, a mild form of autism. As for me, it is not something that is noticable to most people, and I hope it is in effect a disability which is tantamount to being half deaf in one ear. If your friend is has only 50% hearing in one ear (as one friend of mine has) most of the time you would forget it and you certainly wouldn't regard that person as disabled. There would be occasions though, when you would have to remember they're partially deaf, and allow for the fact they might not always hear you so well. The same is true with having Asperger's. In a straightforward situation when everything is going smoothly, you might as well forget I have Asperger's. However when things get more difficult, particularly in a social setting, the effects of Asperger's Syndrome will become more noticeable. The purpose of this blog is to discuss the issue of social interaction from the perspective of one with Asperger's Syndrome. I by no means am intending to speak for all Asperger's people, but I do hope to enlighten my readers, through my thoughts, observations and experiences, as to some of the struggles and difficulties Asperger's people have in social settings. This is my personal blog so I may occassionally deviate away from the topic to Asperger's Syndrome. Whilst much of what I have written here is very blunt and direct, much of it is also very much related to my thoughts at the time of writing, and in view of a particular situation I find myself in. You cannot guarentee that what Isay in a partcular post reflects how I think of feel about something at all times. I have decided to keep my indentity anonymous, and names of individuals have been changed to protect their identities too. That said, I would delighted to see people get in touch with me. I really would love to make this an interactive blog with two way communication between myself and my readers, and if anyone wants to get to know me better, especially people from Southern England, I will be especially pleased to hear from you. I am happy to reveal my identity to some people, just not everyone who browses this site on the world wide web.