They Think I Should Be the Class Rep But Cannot I Fit in Conversationally?

Well I completed a certificate in basic accounting last year, and in September I went back to college to do another year's study which will hoepfully lead me to get a diploma.
Many of the students on my course this year are the same ones  was with last year, although there are several new students. I have always made a point of trying to be socialable at college, and the main time for socialising is the mid-tutorial break in th refrectory. However, whilst I am sure no-one dislikes me, and people are reasonably friendly, I cannot help feel that I often a fish out of water when handing around with fellow students, and its been hard to pinpoint exactly why. However I feel the penny dropped at my last tutorial yestarday. What I've noticed at college often applies to other social situations.

I am by nature a very formalised individual. If I'm ever walking from one place to another with a group of people, particularly young people, I simply don't fit in with their very casual form of conversation. Sometimes whilst others engage in a casual, jokey chit-chat whilst ambling along the street, I may find myself having a slightly more serious or straight-forward conversation with one of the quieter people. This may be why I've often found I got on better with more middle-aged people than my own generation.

It is this casual, jokey type of chit-chat and banter that I find I cannot fit in with at college. I may be sitting in a circle with fellow students or walking to or from refrectory. Yestarday for instance, I was walking with a group of lads to refrectory, and one of them was joking about someone who thought it would snow next week, as a few long-range forecasts had predicted, and that he'd put a bet on that it wouldn't snow, and they were al saying in the casual kind of way "its not gonna snow." (In my area you get an average of one day per winter with a light covernig of snow - its vitrually unheard of in October!) I attempted to but in and contribute to the discussion by referring to a long-range weather forecaster Piers Corbyn, who critiqued the newspaper reports predicting snow. However, as I preceeded to make my contribution, I seemed to be locked out and overshadowed by the discussion, despite the fact I had relevent factual information to share.

It seems like that one incident is symptomic of my difficulties socially at college and elsewhere. For me, it feels like I am having to pander a lower and less intelligent form of discussion in order to win friendship.

I find this a very frustrating issue, because I consider it be far more virtuous to be genuine, factual and honest in conversation, than to have to dumb down your language and any relevent knowledge and intelligence.

Being Appointed as Class Rep

At the end of the tutorial the tutor announced that we needed to appoint one person to be the class representative on the college's student forum, which would involve occasional, optional meetings and possibly the odd free lunch. The tutor left the room for about two minutes to allow us all to confer.

Immediately after he left I spoke out to the class and said "hands up anyone who's relevatively free during the daytime." As everyone works in the daytime, no one raised their hand. Then another student proposed to nominate me, and then said "hands up who wants to appoint ...." Then every student raised their hands. They obviously see something good in me, so I left college with a good feeling.

It just goes to show that some of us who may be weak in mingling socially can excel with offered a platform to speak and announce publically. I'm glad I was able to demonstrate that confidence and an element of leadership last night.

A Brief Update and a Highly Complex Story of that Saturday

Just because this blog has been very quiet for three months now does not mean that I've finished socialising.Quite the contrary. Since getting involved in the social attraction 'academy' I've been out on many Friday ro Saturday nights with other guys from the adademy, including a few workshops with the coach, and in the process of these and a various other socials I've approached about 100 girls/groups of girls within the past few months. I've learnt a bit about how to approach well, natural conversation techniques, storytelling and body language. So much has happened that I just haven't had the time to explain and clarify it all. However some events have occured recently that I really cannot keep to myself.

Last Saturday Night

I was out last Saturday night with a guy frmo the academy. We practiced some of the conversational techniques we'd learnt first, then approach several groups of girls, and then the following happened. Below is a revised extract of an email report I sent to the coach. Read on its a fascinating story:

We went to the cocktail place, and I started to feel irritated because I witnessed what appeared to be an approach by a couple of guys to two girls at a table. They were good looking and seemed to be doing it better than us so I was feeling a bit annoyed, but I decided after we had a drink and doing a couple of other approaches, to approach one of the guys in the group and simply ask him about how he approaches or ask the girl about it. This altered the course of the night. The men had high energy levels and using a lot of jokes and banter. After I approached the group the guy said he thought he'd seen me on TV (i've never been on TV) and thought I may have a hidden camera with me . He also offered to help me make approaches promising me a number every week (I didn't take it up). During the interaction one of the guys took a photo with me in there with the girl and also lifted me up by the legs! The girl was much more genuine and very friendly and level-headed, she asked me about my job etc. I told her where I worked and my studies etc, and that I started a business doing talks on diability issues. She did flirt with me somewhat but was flrting with others too. Later I mentioned I had Aspergers, and she replied my saynig that I seemed perfectly normal and would never have guessed. Basically it was a wierd mix of this group trying to teach me about interacting with girls and then thinking I was filming for BBC3 etc. All this time it was quite easy for me because everyone else was investing in the interaction with me so I didn't have to say or do much. Now as I got in there, the guy I was with left to go to another place, so I had one eye on trying not to lose him. So after about 10-15 minutes with those guys I said goodbye, went out and called the other guy, however as he couldn't get into pub he was going into, I suggested he come back to the cocktail place. So I walked back there and he met me there and I introduced him to the group. He had to leave soon after but as things were going well I stayed on, and the girl asked me (seriously) if I'd come along to a nightclub with them, I just had to say yes.

As we were walking to the cluib it felt like the girl was very genuine and perhaps trying to look after me a bit, the guys were acting silly, she was kind of saying "don't take notice of him" and it felt like the main guy might have been taking me on for a ride (i'm used to that) but the girl was totally genuine. When I got to the club, the other guys went in but the security man wouldn't let me in without ID. However the girl came to my rescue and opened the door and insisted they let me in. I stayed there about half an hour, although I felt a bit lost there as everyone seemed to know loads of people among the crowds - doing approaches in clubs is a completely different ballgame! Nevertheless when the girl seemed to walways make sure I was alright.

Way Home

As I left to go to the bus stop for the night bus, I was approached by two teenage girls if I could lend them my phone as they had no credit. She said I could hold her bag whilst she phones so she won't run off. Initially I lent it to them but as there was no signal they gave it back. I witnessed them being approached by a coloured guy a few mniutes later, and I asked the coloured guy something related, just out of interest.

Now the girls came back to me as I sat down at the bus stop where they appeared to be waiting, and started making a mockery of me, negative assumption stacking about my lack of relationships, which frighteningly for two completely immature girls (they seriously did not look old enough to be out) was largely correct. It just seems sometimes I always invariable portray an image of low social status. I basically acted like I was better than them, and in other words told them they needed to grow up and explanied a bit about Asperger's Syndrome and that they ought to appreciate the fact some peolpe simply struggle socially just like some struggle physically and mentally, which they didn't seem to understand. There were making a mockery of me but they were giving me attention, and then one of them asked again if she could borrow my phone. I said no at first, because I've been mugged in the past and from experience I couldn't trust them. She insisted I could hold her blackberry, so after pestering me a bit I gave in and let them call their Mum on my phone. However, she didn't give me her blackberry and after calling they walked away with my phone. When I challenged them they both denied they had it, abnd then walked off, and basically I couldn't get hold of it.

Its pay as you go so its no emergency as such, but nevertheless I called the police immediately when I got home, and called to get it immobilsed.

Needless to say, I proceeded to tell this story to friends and a couple of girls I approached at the bus stop the following day.

The Last Three Saturday Nights

In the past three Saturday nights since I went to the workshop on social attraction discussed in the previous post, I have continued to go out with a number of other guys from the 'academy' and attempt to approach girls. On the first Saturday, Alan was hosting another taster workshop, which I was invited to come as a guest for free, and six of us who were there, including the guy I was on the previous workshop with went out. What was also interesting was that two of the other two guys there I knew from organised socials!

During the past three Saturdays, I discovered that going out and approaching women was much harder without Alan being there. That said, on the first night I did manage to approach around eight or nine girls or groups of girls, which was more than anyone else there. There were four of us out, and two of them only made only approach to a couple of girls, although that lasted about 45 minutes.

On the second Saturday, only myself and one other guy went out. I was in a very positive mood to start the evening, and had prior to the evening done a brainstorm of techniques and conversation ideas. One of them was for both of us to make separate approaches early on in the evening and then we all meet up after 5 minutes. Unfortunately, that plan didn't quite work out. That night, there seemed to be a shortage of suitable sets to approach in the first bar. We then decided to go out to find a better place, but a number of places seemed to be unusually quiet that night. We even walked into one bar, but looking at both the ads on the wall and the way the bar attendees were dressed, I thought this might be a gay bar, so I decided that we'd better not stay here, before we ordered drinks. Much of that evening was spent wondering around looking for suitable places, getting more tired and downcast along the way.

Last weekend was much better, there were three of us, which was considerable easier than having just two. It was the myself, the guy I was out with the previous week and another man from the academy, one of the organised socials guys. I probably made about 10 approaches. I consciously made the effort to approach a couple of girls first thing we arrived before buying drinks. We later bumped into a couple of girls we had met two weeks ago. And later on in the night I approached three girls who remembered me from school. I didn't recognise them but they recognised me.

I have approached a number of girls during the daytime in other situations recently too.

I'm Getting Personal Coaching

I have decided to opt for a month of online coaching, with Alan, who runs the academy. I intend to email him everyday to tell him what I have been up to socially and we'll discuss ways to improve and build upon interactions. I don't know how much it will help but I decided it's time to give it a go. Today I took my final exam for a course I am doing, so this is the perfect window of opportunity to work on my social abilities and learn to get good with women.

I intend to post at least my side of our email correspondence on this blog. I hope I am wrong but I'm starting to feel this blog is getting a bit more boring lately. I certainly haven't reported on everything I have done socially or been prompt in it, but hopefully that will start to change.

Report of a Social Attraction Workshop

My last post referred to some help I was looking into regarding social and relationship issues Well this past Saturday I went along to one of the so-called 'boot-camps' that the guy I referred to runs. I say so-called because it is completely opposite to what most people would consider a boot-camp (young thugs being kicked and marched about by a drill sargeants etc) and indeed, when I mentioned to Alan, the guy who runs these, that the word bootcamp did not sound very appealing and suggesting workshop would be more appropriate, he took my suggestion on board.

Anyway, the workshop took place from six till nearly midnight in the city centre. It was just me and one other guy, who I had met in the previous workshop, and Alan. The first couple of hours were spent talking things through and preparing in a nice cafe. The plan for the evening was to go out to several bars between eight and midnight and approach and chat to girls. Exactly where and how we would go about this was very much open-ended, depending on what we wanted (so hardly a bootcamp!)

During the first hour I was feeling a little uneasy for two reasons. Firstly Alan made a few suggestions about how we might approach girls in the bar or attract their attention, ideas that didn't sound entirely comfortable to me. At around the same time as this I hurt myaw on a piece of cake. I had almost recovered from an aching jaw following a filling, and by biting a rather heavy piece of chocolate cake I did the equilivent of twisting my back but in my jaw. The teeth were fine, however I had to briefly excuse myself to go to the toilet to see if I could see what had happened, and go outside and phone Dad to see if he had any ideas about it, as I cannot remember this happening to me before. At this stage of the evening I was feeling somewhat apprehensive, concerned about my jaw and not in the mood for socialising. What perhaps made it harder was that I tend to panic in these kinds of moments, yet this was a lesson in social attraction, so I was trying to give a good impression during this moment of adversity - it wouldn't have been such an issue in an accountancy lesson!

However after calling Dad, I went back in and started to get back on track. I'm proud to say that Alan really liked my opinion opener I could use to approach girls. Before we hit the bars, Alan went through a process called anchoring with me. Anchoring is a concept in neuro-linguistic programming, by which one can get into the right frame of mind for a particular situation within a few minutes. Alan, being trainined in NLP found an anchor that would work for me. We found an empty space downstairs to do this and it took about five mintues. I fwlt a little weary of this and cautious if this would involve being subjected to some kind of mind-control, but the process seemed fine for me and seemed to work even though I did not feel anything during the anchoring process. During the anchoring process I used to nearby leather seatee to reinact a social situation I wanted to be in that night, I wasn't told to do this but I just did it to help myself prepare.

Around 8:15pm we went into a nearby bar. Once we'd arrived Alan suggested I go and walk up towards the stairs and approach a girl along the way, with Alan going to the upstairs part of the bar. I managed to aproach a couple of girls who had just walked down the stairs before I was about to walk up, and gave them my opinion opener. It was a successful approach, we chatted for about five minutes and they even asked me my name. We walked towards the bar area together and I introdued them to the other guy I was with, who has a little more experience with me, having been on a previous similar workshop. We continued to talk with them later on into the night.

In the meantime, I walked upstairs and tried several more approaches. Alan told me during the night that I was doing a good job - I was certainly able to approach girls boldly with confidence, but I made my mistakes and not everything went perfectly. Alan met a couple of friends he knew at the bar too, one being a girl, and they helped us along too. It soon became difficult keeping the energy levels up, as I do get tired easily in social situations - Asperger's means the brain has to work harder.

At around 10:30pm we headed off to another place, that was busier and louder, and far more difficult for approaching girls. There were numerous hen parties, and large groups of women sitting around the sofas. Myself and the other guy approached a few women, and found a few windows of opportunities. It was hard, but as Alan said "this is where you learn." I also began to get my energy levels back here. At around 11:20pm, the other guy I was with sat down on the sofa and decided to call it a day, whilst I persevered for a bit longer. At around 11:30 we both left to go to the station - he got the train eastwards to his place, I got the train westwoods to my place.

It was a really fun night. Great to be able to approach girls with other people doing it, with support, and it was great being able to experiment somewhat with different types of approaches, putting the social skills I've learnt into practice. All being well I'll be doing it again this coming weekend.

Helping People Succeed Socially and Find Relationships: Breaking Down the Processes

If your goal is to learn to drive, to learn to play guitar, to improve your football skills, or to get a promotion, you can achieve this largely by effort and determination. Sure, some people will find these things easier than others, and some will achieve these things by being in the right place at the right time, but just about anyone who finds such things difficult yet has the determination will eventually achieve their goals.

This seems to be the key difference between the goal of finding a girlfriend, and ultimately, marriage and starting a family, and every other ambition. Whilst most people want to find a partner, the problem is that finding the right relationship is not done through drive and determination, and it seems like its just a matter of luck that romance will just happen to blossom at some point before you get too old.

I Am Sick of People Not Having Answers

Now when I talk to most people about wanting to find a girlfriend, I often get answers like "just keep doing what you're doing, it will happen natually one day when you're not looking." Well I'm sorry, but almost everything I have achieved in my life has been done through effort and determination - few good things have "just happened." The problem is such answers often come from people who have had it easy in this area - they just happened to find the right person when they were young or just bumped into the right people naturally and never had to think about it. It just won't do.

Over the past year I have met a few people that I regard as very strong socially, who can find dates with ease. One thing I have been trying to do is to identify and pinpoint what it is they do which makes them strong socially, and stand out (in my view) from others. I am now beginning to think this is the key towards helpeing people with Asperger's Syndrome succeed socially - take the most socially competent people, examine what it is they do in social situations, the ways they approach and talk to people, break down and anaylise what they're doing, and then teach the person with Asperger's Syndrome how to copy them. I think this could help not just people with Asperger's, but many other less socially competant people too.

Now I am not suggesting that anyone has to change their personalities, and indeed there would be some things that could not be performed by everyone. However there is a big difference between trying to change your personality to one like someone else's, and learning what it is another person does that makes them good socially, taking what you can of that person's social skills, and putting new found social skills into practice.

My Experience at a Workshop

Recently I discovered online, a man who runs workshops locally to help clients improve their social attraction, with a key area being to help men approach girls and giving them the social skills that will make them attractive to women. I went to a short taster workshop two weeks ago, and in this workshop, there were around eight men, including myself, and we went through several conversational excersizes, and discussed body language. I have to say I felt very comfortable in this setting, and did not feel like I was out of my league or a fish out of water, but felt compatable with the other guys there.

I have since had a private consultation with this man and intend to go along to another workshop, and maybe more in due course.

Now what I appreciate about the guy who runs this academy, is that through his experience, he has worked out what it is that attracts women, and has broken it down into steps that can be taught to men who are not naturals in this area. He said to me "I can get you a girlfriend," not literally of course, but he can teach me the steps that would make it inevitable that girls would be interested in me.

I seriously think this is the kind of way I will learn to succeed socially. By learning anaylitically what it is that popular people do in social settings, anaylising their conversation techniques, particularly with women, and going out and putting those things into practice. This I feel could be the answer for any man who cannot makes friends or for whom romance does not blossom naturally. That way no one should have to rely on luck to find a relationship, but can now learn how to find a girlfriend by learning the steps and processes that attract women, and yes, though effort and determination.

Another Funny Video

I am not suggesting these are my views and my apologiese go to anyone in the military who may be offended. Just watch this from a child's perspective and you'll be alright.

Social Skills I am Trying to Put into Practice

I think the reason why I haven't posted anything here for a month is because I've been too busy socialising and haven't had the time to analyse every occasion and report on it! Over the past month or so I have been to several good organised socials and other social events where I have had the opportunities to interact with some attrative women.

Now having read a number of articles online and an e-book about how to build attraction with women and demonstrate those so-called 'alpha-male' characteristics that attract women, I have been wanting to put those principles into practice. Now I don't go and do exactly what a book says, but I like to take the key principles it advocates and apply them in such a way that suits both the type of social occassion and my personality. What I often find is that whilst I may know some of the theory, I cannot put it into practice on the spot.

One thing I am trying to do is to comment on things such as the woman's clothes, or style or bag, or any other observations. Friendly, kind comment obviously, and nothing suggestive of course. Another thing I am trying to do is to make statements about myself and what I have been doing that will help them to view me as one with high social status (I've mentioned the car journey in my last post a few times) and arouse some curisity, by telling them only part of a story and leaving them wanting to know more. One thing I have learnt is that, just as in job interviews where one can put a spin on their previous work experience making it out to be a higher level than it really is i.e. by refering to something significant they did in the previous job, making it appear as if they did that regularly when in reality they only did it once, one can put a spin on their social life highlighting those few occassions that would make me appear to be off high social status, when in reality such occassions aer few and far between.

However, I still find myself dealing with awkward silences. One thing I often notice when in a conversation with two or more people who I don't know particularly well, is that the other two people end up doing most of the conversation and subtly I become the one on the sidelines. I'm the one trying to keep up.

Before social events, I often 'revise' first on my notes from things I have read about socialising and attracting women. Bear in mind that at events life organised socials, I'm not there to 'pull' and no-one else is supposed to be, but nonetheless I do want to display those traits that are attractive to women and show myself to be a confident, datable, male. However after 'revising' I often find my stumbling block is operating within the context of the conversations I find myself in or developing. That the reason why I often find public speaking easier than mingling - when speaking in front of a group I have full control over the context. Problems arise when the context is based around something you don' know much about - and that could be a countless number of things. I'm thinking the best way to deal with that is to observe how people who are strong socially deal with such a situation, and follow their example.

Needless to say, I am still practicing, and trying to gain experience in some way every weekend, if not during the week as well