Social Shields and Avoiding Awkward Conversations

For as long as I can remember, I have adopted various 'social shields' as a way to get out of an awkward conversation. By awkward conversations I am talking about when someone asks me a question about an issue that I wish to keep private, not because of any kind of bad behavior I've done, but when it relates to a matter of personal preferences that for some hard to explain reason is a sensitive issue for me - often because there is some kind of pre-concieved image tied into my preference whichever way that I am embarrased to associate myself with. My main social shields used to be my watch, and being concerned about time keeping, and needing the toilet. These days, it tends to be my mobile, and its use is not in such obvious situations as it used to be, as I am better prepared and able to handle more questions.

One thing I am sensitive to is knowing what personal things certain people know about me and what I keep private from them. Now sometimes I may have very mixed feelings about whether I want to tell someone I know, such as a work colleague, certain things about my life, preferences and beliefs. On the one hand if I do tell them, it will open myself up to some more interesting conversations and enable me to discuss things that I definitely do want to talk about, but won't make much sense unless I explain the sensitive issue first. On the other hand, revealing the sensitive issue has the potential to give rise to more awkward questions and conversations with that person, and there may be future occassions when I may be concerned as to what that person is thinking about me when a certain situation arises (i.e. if you tell someone you fancy a certain girl and then three months later you're all out together, that's just one general example of the sort of thing I mean). On the basis that you cannot undo information you have given to someone, I generally play safe, and if telling that person something about me is just going to make life harder, I just choose avoid to avoid that topic.

What makes life very difficult, is when someone, whilst not necessarily asking you direct, tries to engage you in a conversation about something that just so happens to be a sensitive issue for you. Sometimes the conversation will start on a 'safe' subject, and then in a way that cannot possibly be anticipated, the other person veers the conversation off into what happens to be your senstive area. Sometimes they may feel very strongly about an issue, and I strongly disagree with them, and they try to engage me into a topic, and when this happens, the only form of defense I can use is to pretend to be having to concentrate on whatever I'm doing a bit more, or look at the clock. If I express my views on the matter, I feel it could lead to a whole host of awkward questions, and potentially awkward situations in future - so it is safer just to keep the whole subject private.

When it comes to how open I am on a certain issue, I am often wanting to be all or nothing with people. Either that person knows the full story, or much of it when it comes to my views or preferences on this subject, with all the whys and that, or I just keep quiet about it. Because that person only knowing half the story is likely to make me feel most uncomfortable and leave me wondering what that person is thinking. Besides 'coming out' as such (I'm not gay) on a subejct and explaining everything at once provides a necessary shield against potential awkward questions that may arise in due course. Its like answering them all in advance so you don't have to face them unexpectedly later.

What If They Find Out Through A Third Party

Unfortantly, a recent incident occured by which I appear to have discovered, that a certain person does know after all something about me that I intended to keep private. I have a number of ideas about how that person may have found out. This is surprising in a way, in view of the way they had been talking to me about this subject. I have to say I have absolutely no respect for someone who knows your secrets, and then tries to engage you with a conversation topic you haven't opened up about to try to get you t reveal more, when revealing with could make life more difficult in future. Now the issue I wish to address is: How do you deal with this type of issue with a person with aspergers?

In short I would say, when a person has found something out about another, and has become apparent to both parties, that really that person would rather not have had them know, but its out there now anyway, the best way is to try and reveal in gently, away from others, that you happen to know this, and give the person time to ask questions about what they know and explain their position, and 'come out and reveal all.' Basically revealling everything necessary to avoid awkward conversations in future. Give the person time and space to adjust to the fact you knew about this issue, and if necessary allow them time out to wander and think it through.

I am of course beig very vague in this post, this is necessary to protect my own and other people's identities among those I know. How exactly one will deal with this will vary upon the individual situation. But I hope readers will understand the general principles here, in terms of why some issues will want to be kept private, and have to sensitively tackle a sensitive issue with someone, especially one with aspergers, when unwanted things have become revealled. 

The Problems of Understanding Jokes

At work, one person recieved a present at the Secret Santa that had a joke attached to it. I cannot elaborate online, for the sake of people's identities. Nevertheless, this incident has helped me to explain better the two-fold difficulty of understanding jokes.

This incident helps me to explain that there is often not a one but a two-fold difficulty for someone with Aspergers to understand a joke. The first difficulty is to do with the fact the Aspergers people tend not be broad and balanced thinkers and do not have a wide general knowledge. They tend to instead go much deeper into their own favourite subject, looking into the tiny details, which can make life lonely as there is no-one who will engage with their distinct interests. It also means that whilst they may appear highly intelligent when discussing a favourite subject, they will also lack a lot of more foundational knowledge, some of which is rarely taught and expected to 'picked-up' such as many innuendos, and as a result some situation may make an Asperger's person appear 'stupid.' Often jokes are based around some assumed piece of common knowledge. If you don't have that piece of knowledge you have no chance of getting it.

The second difficulty is to do with the fact that jokes involve connecting two or more unconnected dots in the back of your mind all within an instant. Now recently I have watched a bit comedy and paid some attention to the structure of jokes I have heard. By chance I even thought of one, albeit a crude and possibly offensive one, but I found it funny, and I'll explain those dots that need connecting. Here's the joke in the format of a conversation between a mother and son.

Son. "Oh I can't stand being overweight many more, I've really got to something to lose weight."

Mother. "Well if join the Army you'll be losing large chunks off your weight when your on the front-line in Afrghanistan"

Perhaps this is both a bad constucted joke and a potentially hurtful one for wounded ex-servicemen and their families, so I apologise if I caused any offence. The joke is that if you get deployed to Afghanistan you may lose weight, by having your legs and arms blown by hitting hit by an IED. You'll lose weight but in all the wrong places!

The thing is to get such a joke you have to both be aware of what is happening in Afghanistan and then quickly remember this and connect the loss of limbs to weight loss. You have to mentally jump over a bridge in order to make sense.

Another issue with jokes is that the answer is not always logical. Here's an example of a joke that I was told has been popular recently.

Q. What is the Capital of France?

A. £2.50.

The joke is based upon the word Capital, and the answer is in relation to the current economic crisis in the eurozone. But why pick £2.50? Why not £1.50, or £3.50 - they're all small amounts of money? This is what I mean by the answer not being logical. Any small figure would do, and there's no logical reason to pick any particular number - unless one can improve upon it of course.

With all these complications in jokes I find it incredible that at least 95% of people regularly get them, and someone like myself, who is quite intelligent (at least I give off that impression) and academic, dosen't. Its like walking into a party - one of the most complicated things for the human brain to deal with, and yet somehow everyone is expected to be able to do it confidently or else look like a 'loser.'

I Just Cannot Trigger Attraction. Is There Any Way I Can Bypass This Phase?

I sometimes think that the more I read or hear about the things that attract women, the more I realise that my whole persona is one that is simply not geared towards it. I have heard it said that the three key qualitites that attract women are, firstly benig supposedly 'pre-selected' by other women, secondly, being a leader of men, and thirdly, a protector or loved ones. I am by nature none of those things. I do have many good qualities - I am well organised, hard-working, mature, loyal, reliable and independent, I managed to get a a mortgage at age 21, but none of those characteristics triggers a woman's attraction switches. The things that cause a woman's attraction are my weak areas. I have been feeling that I really need something tantermuont to an arranged marriage, because it would enable me to find a relationship with a girl who would appreciate the qualities I do have whilst bypassing the attraction phase.

That said, I am working hard to develop those areas that trigger a girl's attraction. I try to use stories about things I've done which may demonstrate an element of those attraction qualities, and can hopefully sub-communite that I have those things. I often find that when I am at home I brainstorm the various natural conversational techniques I have learnt that can help to improve my communication with women, but when I am actually in a social situation talking to a girl I find myself forgetting much of it

A good case in point would be this past Thursday. It was my uncle's birthday and he was hosting drinks at a local pub. I decided I would come along. I didn't know who would be there, though I suspected there would be people I knew present. Now whenever I find myself arriving at an organised social or walking into a party, I cannot help but appear a little apprehensive, for the simple reason that I don't know exactly what the logistics will be like on arrival. Who's going to be there? Will they be standing, mingling around or sitting in a circle round the table? Who will be the first person I know who will spot me arriving? These were all uncertainties I had on Thursday. Now I wasn't worried about any of these things, I was actually very relaxed about it all. Nevertheless, when I walked into the pub, these were the things I was looking for when looking to see my uncle and his friends. So I entered in, turned round the corner and sure enough I saw my uncle and some friends sitting around a table. I then had to spend a minute or so digesting the situation - OK, so this person's here, that person's here, is that so-and-so? are these people part of the group? All these little things. Whilst I am digesting the situation, trying to say Hello to people, an attractive girl who was in the group who I'd met a few times before said Hello to be, and said "are you OK?" or something of that nature and I said "yes, I'm justy taking a minute to digest this, see who's here" or words to that effect. The point is, in having to digest the situation, it seems that I cannot help but display slightly uncomfortable body language, which can be misinterpreted. I wish I could go up confidently to everyone and say 'Hi' making good eye contact, but I just can't do that in this type of situation.

Now as I chatted to the girl I mentioned and to other people, I did get some things right. I managed to incorporate a few conversational techniques I have learnt which help the interaction, but I often feel frustrated that I can never say anything that will trigger attraction, or make the girls laugh. Girls may think I'm a nice person and consider it a decent conversation but I just cannot create any sparks or make it feel special in any way. And I find myself forgetting so many things that I've learnt and can remember when I am at home on my own.

I wasn't trying to target any patricular person at this social, and I am trying to move away from targeting certain girls and focusing on displaying attractive qualities to everyone. My aim is to be able to come across to everyone as confident and socially attractive and for girls to be able to look upon me as potential boyfriend material rather than I guy who lacks a bit of confidence and may need a bit of a boost.

How does one find a relationship if they cannot display such characteristics, or appear nervous? I think of certain older married men who display a shy, retiring, personality, and think "How Ever Did They Find Their Wives!?"  It seems strange to me how the majority of men are able to find relationships and can trigger attraction with at least one woman and have an interaction that is more than just a 'nice conversation.' It leads me to the question sometimes - is there such a way I can find a relationship with a girl that would bypass the attraction phase?

Speed Dating

Last night I went out speed dating. There were fourteen girls there and I spent about three minutes chatting to each one. Prior to speed dating I had an hour's coaching with Alan who runs the attraction academy I've been involved with. I had previously brainstormed a few ideas for how to approach the dates, one who the use of assumption stacking rather than just questions, and a list of a few things I should say about myself and subjects that may be useful to discuss.

I arrived at the venue with another guy from the academy, we were directed to the room where speed dating was going to take place. It felt slightly awkward seeing the girls around who you knew you would be speed dating with in a few mniutes, so I tried to make a good impression by chatting to my friend from the academy and a few other guys around. One guy who was new to the town I spoke to was very helpful, in that my conversation with him enabled me to practice takling to the girls.

So speed dating commenced and it started off fairly smoothly. Having not done this before I did not know what to expect from the girls, or how they might want me to approach the conversation. I found early on that the girls were going into 'interviewer' mode with me, they all asked me basic things like 'what do you do?' etc, and I tried to give an attractive answer. On the one hand this made things a bit easier as it wasn't me doing all the work, but at the same time it makes it harder for me to stimulate a more fun and attraction-building conversation, when a q&a frame is being set. It was a contrast in some way to the ways girls respond when you approach them cold in pubs and bars.

I tried assumption stacking and second guessing things about them, as this is something I was trained to do in attraction coaching, but also asked questions. I don't think I quite managed to build a deeper connection with anyone or create any solid attraction. It is frustrating because when you're actually interacting with girls you forget much of what you've been taught.

One embarrasing thing though. I realised later that I had accidently used the girls toilets, with their not being clear signposts at the club and thinking that they were unisex. Over the break I went into a cubicle and could hear the girls talking abuot the guys they interacted with, and I fear that someone may I have said something negative about something I said to them. Oh dear!

There was also a moment when there was a bit of a mix up with the order of girls I should be dating - apparently that's quite normal.

One thing that was trickly was trying to hold a conversation which creates attraction whilst handling the practical matter of writing each girl's name and number down on our cards and making sure I get it right.

Well I am really hoping I will have some new contacts after this. I definitely want to do it again soon, and next time I will be much better prepared, because I will know the place, know the set-up, know the way that girls approach each interaction (interviewing), knowing in practice the length of time I have with each girl, and thus I will be in a better position to prepare myself better for the occassion.

Interacting in the Classroom

Having spent year and plus one half-term so far taking an evening class in accounting at college, I have began to pinpoint some observations about classroom interactions, that felt really noticable this week.

We're currently preparing for the first exam for this course, and on Monday's tutorial the tutor gave every student a practice paper to work on in class, that we could do using our books and notes to help and being allowed to discuss the questions with fellow students.

What I noticed particularly on Monday, although I've been noticing this generally since I began studying is how much my fellow students socialise by conferring and discussing the work during the tutorial, and how much they like to compare answers or exchange knowledge from each other when doing excersizes in class. I noticed this particularly on Monday as the tutorial was orientated towards doing a practice exam paper.

Usually, some of the students will ask me "is this right?," or "have you got this?"... during class, and I apperciate that because it shows they must have some regard for me. I always try and help when they ask, and sometimes I feel I do hit the mark by sharing knowledge correctly and interacting well. However, quite often someone might ask about question 2.2b, and I have to say "sorry I haven't read it through yet."  It often takes three reads to really understand the question and focus on it properly. But yes, I try hard to fit in with their way of learning.

Now I consider it perfectly natural to want to discuss the work and share ideas about it, with perhaps a bit of conferrnig outside the tutorial. However what seems bizarre and illogical to me is the extent to which fellow student do this. Considering that all the accountancy exams have to be taken alone, and considering that there are clear notes, explanations, and answers available in the textbooks, which the tutor is able to clarify where necessary, why do students spend so much time conferring with each other on questions, rather than just quietly get on with the work and refer their textbooks for help? Why go to an still-learning student for help who is at the same level as you and has a 50% chance of getting the answer right, when there's a textbook in front of you that is 100% correct?

It just doesn't make sense!

They Think I Should Be the Class Rep But Cannot I Fit in Conversationally?

Well I completed a certificate in basic accounting last year, and in September I went back to college to do another year's study which will hoepfully lead me to get a diploma.
Many of the students on my course this year are the same ones  was with last year, although there are several new students. I have always made a point of trying to be socialable at college, and the main time for socialising is the mid-tutorial break in th refrectory. However, whilst I am sure no-one dislikes me, and people are reasonably friendly, I cannot help feel that I often a fish out of water when handing around with fellow students, and its been hard to pinpoint exactly why. However I feel the penny dropped at my last tutorial yestarday. What I've noticed at college often applies to other social situations.

I am by nature a very formalised individual. If I'm ever walking from one place to another with a group of people, particularly young people, I simply don't fit in with their very casual form of conversation. Sometimes whilst others engage in a casual, jokey chit-chat whilst ambling along the street, I may find myself having a slightly more serious or straight-forward conversation with one of the quieter people. This may be why I've often found I got on better with more middle-aged people than my own generation.

It is this casual, jokey type of chit-chat and banter that I find I cannot fit in with at college. I may be sitting in a circle with fellow students or walking to or from refrectory. Yestarday for instance, I was walking with a group of lads to refrectory, and one of them was joking about someone who thought it would snow next week, as a few long-range forecasts had predicted, and that he'd put a bet on that it wouldn't snow, and they were al saying in the casual kind of way "its not gonna snow." (In my area you get an average of one day per winter with a light covernig of snow - its vitrually unheard of in October!) I attempted to but in and contribute to the discussion by referring to a long-range weather forecaster Piers Corbyn, who critiqued the newspaper reports predicting snow. However, as I preceeded to make my contribution, I seemed to be locked out and overshadowed by the discussion, despite the fact I had relevent factual information to share.

It seems like that one incident is symptomic of my difficulties socially at college and elsewhere. For me, it feels like I am having to pander a lower and less intelligent form of discussion in order to win friendship.

I find this a very frustrating issue, because I consider it be far more virtuous to be genuine, factual and honest in conversation, than to have to dumb down your language and any relevent knowledge and intelligence.

Being Appointed as Class Rep

At the end of the tutorial the tutor announced that we needed to appoint one person to be the class representative on the college's student forum, which would involve occasional, optional meetings and possibly the odd free lunch. The tutor left the room for about two minutes to allow us all to confer.

Immediately after he left I spoke out to the class and said "hands up anyone who's relevatively free during the daytime." As everyone works in the daytime, no one raised their hand. Then another student proposed to nominate me, and then said "hands up who wants to appoint ...." Then every student raised their hands. They obviously see something good in me, so I left college with a good feeling.

It just goes to show that some of us who may be weak in mingling socially can excel with offered a platform to speak and announce publically. I'm glad I was able to demonstrate that confidence and an element of leadership last night.

A Brief Update and a Highly Complex Story of that Saturday

Just because this blog has been very quiet for three months now does not mean that I've finished socialising.Quite the contrary. Since getting involved in the social attraction 'academy' I've been out on many Friday ro Saturday nights with other guys from the adademy, including a few workshops with the coach, and in the process of these and a various other socials I've approached about 100 girls/groups of girls within the past few months. I've learnt a bit about how to approach well, natural conversation techniques, storytelling and body language. So much has happened that I just haven't had the time to explain and clarify it all. However some events have occured recently that I really cannot keep to myself.

Last Saturday Night

I was out last Saturday night with a guy frmo the academy. We practiced some of the conversational techniques we'd learnt first, then approach several groups of girls, and then the following happened. Below is a revised extract of an email report I sent to the coach. Read on its a fascinating story:

We went to the cocktail place, and I started to feel irritated because I witnessed what appeared to be an approach by a couple of guys to two girls at a table. They were good looking and seemed to be doing it better than us so I was feeling a bit annoyed, but I decided after we had a drink and doing a couple of other approaches, to approach one of the guys in the group and simply ask him about how he approaches or ask the girl about it. This altered the course of the night. The men had high energy levels and using a lot of jokes and banter. After I approached the group the guy said he thought he'd seen me on TV (i've never been on TV) and thought I may have a hidden camera with me . He also offered to help me make approaches promising me a number every week (I didn't take it up). During the interaction one of the guys took a photo with me in there with the girl and also lifted me up by the legs! The girl was much more genuine and very friendly and level-headed, she asked me about my job etc. I told her where I worked and my studies etc, and that I started a business doing talks on diability issues. She did flirt with me somewhat but was flrting with others too. Later I mentioned I had Aspergers, and she replied my saynig that I seemed perfectly normal and would never have guessed. Basically it was a wierd mix of this group trying to teach me about interacting with girls and then thinking I was filming for BBC3 etc. All this time it was quite easy for me because everyone else was investing in the interaction with me so I didn't have to say or do much. Now as I got in there, the guy I was with left to go to another place, so I had one eye on trying not to lose him. So after about 10-15 minutes with those guys I said goodbye, went out and called the other guy, however as he couldn't get into pub he was going into, I suggested he come back to the cocktail place. So I walked back there and he met me there and I introduced him to the group. He had to leave soon after but as things were going well I stayed on, and the girl asked me (seriously) if I'd come along to a nightclub with them, I just had to say yes.

As we were walking to the cluib it felt like the girl was very genuine and perhaps trying to look after me a bit, the guys were acting silly, she was kind of saying "don't take notice of him" and it felt like the main guy might have been taking me on for a ride (i'm used to that) but the girl was totally genuine. When I got to the club, the other guys went in but the security man wouldn't let me in without ID. However the girl came to my rescue and opened the door and insisted they let me in. I stayed there about half an hour, although I felt a bit lost there as everyone seemed to know loads of people among the crowds - doing approaches in clubs is a completely different ballgame! Nevertheless when the girl seemed to walways make sure I was alright.

Way Home

As I left to go to the bus stop for the night bus, I was approached by two teenage girls if I could lend them my phone as they had no credit. She said I could hold her bag whilst she phones so she won't run off. Initially I lent it to them but as there was no signal they gave it back. I witnessed them being approached by a coloured guy a few mniutes later, and I asked the coloured guy something related, just out of interest.

Now the girls came back to me as I sat down at the bus stop where they appeared to be waiting, and started making a mockery of me, negative assumption stacking about my lack of relationships, which frighteningly for two completely immature girls (they seriously did not look old enough to be out) was largely correct. It just seems sometimes I always invariable portray an image of low social status. I basically acted like I was better than them, and in other words told them they needed to grow up and explanied a bit about Asperger's Syndrome and that they ought to appreciate the fact some peolpe simply struggle socially just like some struggle physically and mentally, which they didn't seem to understand. There were making a mockery of me but they were giving me attention, and then one of them asked again if she could borrow my phone. I said no at first, because I've been mugged in the past and from experience I couldn't trust them. She insisted I could hold her blackberry, so after pestering me a bit I gave in and let them call their Mum on my phone. However, she didn't give me her blackberry and after calling they walked away with my phone. When I challenged them they both denied they had it, abnd then walked off, and basically I couldn't get hold of it.

Its pay as you go so its no emergency as such, but nevertheless I called the police immediately when I got home, and called to get it immobilsed.

Needless to say, I proceeded to tell this story to friends and a couple of girls I approached at the bus stop the following day.