Report of a Social Attraction Workshop

My last post referred to some help I was looking into regarding social and relationship issues Well this past Saturday I went along to one of the so-called 'boot-camps' that the guy I referred to runs. I say so-called because it is completely opposite to what most people would consider a boot-camp (young thugs being kicked and marched about by a drill sargeants etc) and indeed, when I mentioned to Alan, the guy who runs these, that the word bootcamp did not sound very appealing and suggesting workshop would be more appropriate, he took my suggestion on board.

Anyway, the workshop took place from six till nearly midnight in the city centre. It was just me and one other guy, who I had met in the previous workshop, and Alan. The first couple of hours were spent talking things through and preparing in a nice cafe. The plan for the evening was to go out to several bars between eight and midnight and approach and chat to girls. Exactly where and how we would go about this was very much open-ended, depending on what we wanted (so hardly a bootcamp!)

During the first hour I was feeling a little uneasy for two reasons. Firstly Alan made a few suggestions about how we might approach girls in the bar or attract their attention, ideas that didn't sound entirely comfortable to me. At around the same time as this I hurt myaw on a piece of cake. I had almost recovered from an aching jaw following a filling, and by biting a rather heavy piece of chocolate cake I did the equilivent of twisting my back but in my jaw. The teeth were fine, however I had to briefly excuse myself to go to the toilet to see if I could see what had happened, and go outside and phone Dad to see if he had any ideas about it, as I cannot remember this happening to me before. At this stage of the evening I was feeling somewhat apprehensive, concerned about my jaw and not in the mood for socialising. What perhaps made it harder was that I tend to panic in these kinds of moments, yet this was a lesson in social attraction, so I was trying to give a good impression during this moment of adversity - it wouldn't have been such an issue in an accountancy lesson!

However after calling Dad, I went back in and started to get back on track. I'm proud to say that Alan really liked my opinion opener I could use to approach girls. Before we hit the bars, Alan went through a process called anchoring with me. Anchoring is a concept in neuro-linguistic programming, by which one can get into the right frame of mind for a particular situation within a few minutes. Alan, being trainined in NLP found an anchor that would work for me. We found an empty space downstairs to do this and it took about five mintues. I fwlt a little weary of this and cautious if this would involve being subjected to some kind of mind-control, but the process seemed fine for me and seemed to work even though I did not feel anything during the anchoring process. During the anchoring process I used to nearby leather seatee to reinact a social situation I wanted to be in that night, I wasn't told to do this but I just did it to help myself prepare.

Around 8:15pm we went into a nearby bar. Once we'd arrived Alan suggested I go and walk up towards the stairs and approach a girl along the way, with Alan going to the upstairs part of the bar. I managed to aproach a couple of girls who had just walked down the stairs before I was about to walk up, and gave them my opinion opener. It was a successful approach, we chatted for about five minutes and they even asked me my name. We walked towards the bar area together and I introdued them to the other guy I was with, who has a little more experience with me, having been on a previous similar workshop. We continued to talk with them later on into the night.

In the meantime, I walked upstairs and tried several more approaches. Alan told me during the night that I was doing a good job - I was certainly able to approach girls boldly with confidence, but I made my mistakes and not everything went perfectly. Alan met a couple of friends he knew at the bar too, one being a girl, and they helped us along too. It soon became difficult keeping the energy levels up, as I do get tired easily in social situations - Asperger's means the brain has to work harder.

At around 10:30pm we headed off to another place, that was busier and louder, and far more difficult for approaching girls. There were numerous hen parties, and large groups of women sitting around the sofas. Myself and the other guy approached a few women, and found a few windows of opportunities. It was hard, but as Alan said "this is where you learn." I also began to get my energy levels back here. At around 11:20pm, the other guy I was with sat down on the sofa and decided to call it a day, whilst I persevered for a bit longer. At around 11:30 we both left to go to the station - he got the train eastwards to his place, I got the train westwoods to my place.

It was a really fun night. Great to be able to approach girls with other people doing it, with support, and it was great being able to experiment somewhat with different types of approaches, putting the social skills I've learnt into practice. All being well I'll be doing it again this coming weekend.

Helping People Succeed Socially and Find Relationships: Breaking Down the Processes

If your goal is to learn to drive, to learn to play guitar, to improve your football skills, or to get a promotion, you can achieve this largely by effort and determination. Sure, some people will find these things easier than others, and some will achieve these things by being in the right place at the right time, but just about anyone who finds such things difficult yet has the determination will eventually achieve their goals.

This seems to be the key difference between the goal of finding a girlfriend, and ultimately, marriage and starting a family, and every other ambition. Whilst most people want to find a partner, the problem is that finding the right relationship is not done through drive and determination, and it seems like its just a matter of luck that romance will just happen to blossom at some point before you get too old.

I Am Sick of People Not Having Answers

Now when I talk to most people about wanting to find a girlfriend, I often get answers like "just keep doing what you're doing, it will happen natually one day when you're not looking." Well I'm sorry, but almost everything I have achieved in my life has been done through effort and determination - few good things have "just happened." The problem is such answers often come from people who have had it easy in this area - they just happened to find the right person when they were young or just bumped into the right people naturally and never had to think about it. It just won't do.

Over the past year I have met a few people that I regard as very strong socially, who can find dates with ease. One thing I have been trying to do is to identify and pinpoint what it is they do which makes them strong socially, and stand out (in my view) from others. I am now beginning to think this is the key towards helpeing people with Asperger's Syndrome succeed socially - take the most socially competent people, examine what it is they do in social situations, the ways they approach and talk to people, break down and anaylise what they're doing, and then teach the person with Asperger's Syndrome how to copy them. I think this could help not just people with Asperger's, but many other less socially competant people too.

Now I am not suggesting that anyone has to change their personalities, and indeed there would be some things that could not be performed by everyone. However there is a big difference between trying to change your personality to one like someone else's, and learning what it is another person does that makes them good socially, taking what you can of that person's social skills, and putting new found social skills into practice.

My Experience at a Workshop

Recently I discovered online, a man who runs workshops locally to help clients improve their social attraction, with a key area being to help men approach girls and giving them the social skills that will make them attractive to women. I went to a short taster workshop two weeks ago, and in this workshop, there were around eight men, including myself, and we went through several conversational excersizes, and discussed body language. I have to say I felt very comfortable in this setting, and did not feel like I was out of my league or a fish out of water, but felt compatable with the other guys there.

I have since had a private consultation with this man and intend to go along to another workshop, and maybe more in due course.

Now what I appreciate about the guy who runs this academy, is that through his experience, he has worked out what it is that attracts women, and has broken it down into steps that can be taught to men who are not naturals in this area. He said to me "I can get you a girlfriend," not literally of course, but he can teach me the steps that would make it inevitable that girls would be interested in me.

I seriously think this is the kind of way I will learn to succeed socially. By learning anaylitically what it is that popular people do in social settings, anaylising their conversation techniques, particularly with women, and going out and putting those things into practice. This I feel could be the answer for any man who cannot makes friends or for whom romance does not blossom naturally. That way no one should have to rely on luck to find a relationship, but can now learn how to find a girlfriend by learning the steps and processes that attract women, and yes, though effort and determination.

Another Funny Video

I am not suggesting these are my views and my apologiese go to anyone in the military who may be offended. Just watch this from a child's perspective and you'll be alright.

Social Skills I am Trying to Put into Practice

I think the reason why I haven't posted anything here for a month is because I've been too busy socialising and haven't had the time to analyse every occasion and report on it! Over the past month or so I have been to several good organised socials and other social events where I have had the opportunities to interact with some attrative women.

Now having read a number of articles online and an e-book about how to build attraction with women and demonstrate those so-called 'alpha-male' characteristics that attract women, I have been wanting to put those principles into practice. Now I don't go and do exactly what a book says, but I like to take the key principles it advocates and apply them in such a way that suits both the type of social occassion and my personality. What I often find is that whilst I may know some of the theory, I cannot put it into practice on the spot.

One thing I am trying to do is to comment on things such as the woman's clothes, or style or bag, or any other observations. Friendly, kind comment obviously, and nothing suggestive of course. Another thing I am trying to do is to make statements about myself and what I have been doing that will help them to view me as one with high social status (I've mentioned the car journey in my last post a few times) and arouse some curisity, by telling them only part of a story and leaving them wanting to know more. One thing I have learnt is that, just as in job interviews where one can put a spin on their previous work experience making it out to be a higher level than it really is i.e. by refering to something significant they did in the previous job, making it appear as if they did that regularly when in reality they only did it once, one can put a spin on their social life highlighting those few occassions that would make me appear to be off high social status, when in reality such occassions aer few and far between.

However, I still find myself dealing with awkward silences. One thing I often notice when in a conversation with two or more people who I don't know particularly well, is that the other two people end up doing most of the conversation and subtly I become the one on the sidelines. I'm the one trying to keep up.

Before social events, I often 'revise' first on my notes from things I have read about socialising and attracting women. Bear in mind that at events life organised socials, I'm not there to 'pull' and no-one else is supposed to be, but nonetheless I do want to display those traits that are attractive to women and show myself to be a confident, datable, male. However after 'revising' I often find my stumbling block is operating within the context of the conversations I find myself in or developing. That the reason why I often find public speaking easier than mingling - when speaking in front of a group I have full control over the context. Problems arise when the context is based around something you don' know much about - and that could be a countless number of things. I'm thinking the best way to deal with that is to observe how people who are strong socially deal with such a situation, and follow their example.

Needless to say, I am still practicing, and trying to gain experience in some way every weekend, if not during the week as well

A Night Out With The Girlies

Last Saturady night I found myself in a situation that some people might envoy, and others might find decidedly awkward. I ended up being on a night out in town with a group of girls and being the only man in our group. One of the girls who is on my course at college decided to organise a night out, a few men were going to come but they didn't turn up in the end. Unfortunately all the girls were attached in some way

The girl organising sent everyone an email suggesting that we either come to her house or meet up in town. I thought about what to do and decided it was easier to go to her place first. I was the first to arrive, and a bunch of girls arrived soon after. Now I have read and watched many video clips about talking to women, and know quite a few of the principles. However when I find myself in a situation with an opportunity to put such things into practice, my mind tends to go blank and the best I can do is the usual mundane types of conversations.

For instance, I know one thing that is always key is being able to make girls laugh. However, my mind doesn't naturally think of funny things to say, as this normally involves instantanously having to connect a number of unrelated dots on the spot. If I try, it normally is not understood as a joke and it doesn't work.

Now I said this situation of being the only man with a bunch of girls can either be a fantastic situation or be awkward and difficult. Which way it is depends on how you manage to interact with the girls. For a man who knows how to take a lead in a conversation, mak the girls laugh, appear as strong and confident and demonstrate masculine traits, it can be fantastic. For someone who is not this way, the situation can be awkward, because benig the odd one out can make it difficult to engage in conversations, especially when they divert on to girly subjects, and you don't necessary feel that welcome.

Now on this occassion, as with any social situation, I do my best to try to appear attractive. I put on nice clothing, made sure my hair was tidy and used a bit of aftershave. I try to remain calm, not twitching too much, trying to look confident and not needy in any way, and to make good conversation, trying to show an interest in others and be positive.

However oftentimes, especially with an all-female group, the conversation veers in a direction that is not favourable, such an on girly subjects. I would be interested to know how the very confident, so-called 'alpha males' handly this, or maybe it never happens when they're around. This took place for a while in the house, and my best approach was to keep calm, show what intersted I could. When I felt there was a window of opportunity I would engage the girls on a subject, by asking for a femail view on something. On this occassion I asked three girls that were sitting on the opposite sofa, what I should make of a girl who's words and actions contradict each other. I don't know whether this is a good way to engage with the opposit sex, but I feel that anything that generates interest has some value.

The most interesting thing about the night was the car journey to the club. One of the ladies volunteered to drive us. There were five girls and me all crammed into a Vauxhall Astra. The larger girl sat in the front seat and the rest of us were crammed in the back, with some of the girls laynig down on the three os us' laps, trying to keep her head down so that she is not seen by any policemen. It was a fun journey, but the main thing I appreciated about it was that events like this give you good talking points for future socials.

We arrived at the club, and again I tried to look confident. If I wasn't sure what to say or do, my best policy is to look calm and confident and keep quiet, that way at least you are probably not scoring any positive or negative points in the social stakes.

All in all, it was a slightly unusual night but I did enjoy it. Being out with a bunch of girls was a useful experience and hopefully I;ve learnt something from it.

The Need for Chemistry in a Relationship

On Sunday evening I was talking with Hannah who I've known for about four years, and who I tried hard to go out with a couple fo years ago. To give you some background information: When I first knew Hannah I initially wasn't sure about her, but there was a time in late 2008 where I thought she was giving signals to suggest she was interested in me (flicking her hair once, telling me personal stories without me asking a thing) bearing in mind she is a very shy girl. She agreed to meet up with me for a coffee in January 2009, we aranged a second date a month later but it never happened due to a mix up in the place we agreed to meet up. After that I found she didn't seem quite so keen on me for a while. After much thought and discussion with friends and family, I wrote her a note in April 2009 sealed in a stamped address envelope to gently ask her if she would be interested in a relationship. She replied with a 'no' reply. Due to circumstances I didn't see much of her in the six months that followed. But I remember in October that year there were one or two occassions when her body language seemed to be warming up again, and this has been the case at times since, although not consistantly.

Sunday Evening's Conversation

Moving forward, when I was chatting to Hannah she was in a much brighter and livelier mood than usual. Normally it can be hard work keeping the conversation going with her (thats with anyone not just me) but on this occassion she was really showing an interest in me and the things I was doing, asking me some questions. This isn't an absolute first, as she has had odd bursts when she comes out of her shell. Now I have recently grown a beard which seems to be suiting me. The first thing Hannah said when I saw her was that she really liked me beard. Her body language was very warm, she was leaning towards me with her arm leaning in my direction.

What really caught my attention was that she told me she had gained in confidence recently and she said she wanted to find a nice gentleman 'but I know that's not easy' (refering to things she's heard me talk about subsequent to me trying to date her) and 'well you're a nice gentleman but....' and she seemed to get carried away before saying 'oh I don't know why I'm going into all this' and then I kind of halted that part of the conversation too. Hannah then told me she gets obsessive about things and has had many disasters in her life, but that she had made a resolutino to be more positive and change her ways. I tried to flirt with her a bit afer that. The conversation went on for a bit....

Chemistry

What was significant about this conversation is that lasted for about 10 minutes or so, is that I felt there was real chemistry between us, and because of her warm body language it felt like the chemistry was mutual. The reason for this I think, is that Hannah and I come from similar backgrounds. Our family homes could not have been more stable, no divorces etc, but we've both struggled socially and haven't developed at the same rate as others. As a result I think we can relate to each other quite well. With the vast majority of girls that I meet and get to know a bit, I am able to get along alright, but it would never go beyond a surface level, and hardly ever, if ever has there been any real chemistry between myself and a girl. I don't think I have ever felt any chemistry between myself and a girl until Sunday night.

Whilst I am still thinking about how to approach this particular situation, this occassion made me think of a few things. One of my problems is perhaps that my unusual social background (stable family but delayed social development) and general approach to life means I cannot relate to many girls beyond a surface level, which seems necessary for any relationship to develop, and hence, there is no real chemistry between us. It would be very hard for a conversation to move into more intimate and emotionally charged territory. I can think of several couples who have got together because of some common shared experience. In one case both partners had been affected by a car accident in different ways. In other both partners come from adopted parents and don't know their biological Mum's (or something along those lines). In such cases the common backgrounds or experiences is what helped produce the chemistry and allowed a relationship to develop. Now I'll leave this post with just one question to ponder and perhaps answer in the comments section:

How does someone with a very unusual background that few can relate to, do to find someone whereby there will be some chemistry in the relationship?

Review of My Organised Social

This past weekend has been a strange one in a way. It was made up with many fairly dull hours, but there were two separate occurances on Saturday and Sunday that were quite exciting.

What was perhaps most interesting about the night was the train journeys there and back. On the way there, I was sittnig behind a group of ladies on a hen night. It was interesting to overhear they're conversation. I managed to make a little bit of conversation with them, and at one stage one of them was taking photos of the girls. After taking several photos she jokingly pointed the camera in my direction. With two very attractive girls on the seats in front of me, I thought I'd take the initiative by saynig "you can if you like" and then standing up with my arms round these two girls. I gave them my name so they can tag me on FaceBook. Needless to say, when that photo is uploaded, they'll be some interesting comments from my friends!

I arrived at vthe venue for the organised social quite early, and was the first person to arrive at our reserved area of the pub, apart from the host, who was a new lady, about 26 and quite attractive. Being the first person to arrive made the first 10 or so minutes of the social before anyone else came, feel a bit like a date. As a whole this social was just unremarkable. Nothing very exciting, but nothing too embarrising either. I felt fairly tired, but we were sat on cosy leather sofas for the first bit so that wasn't too much of a problem.

One of the attractions about organised socials is that sometimes they arrange for the group to have free entry into a club afterwards. This happened on Saturday. I was feeling rather tired but it was only 10:00 so I thought I'd see what the club was like, and stayed there for probably just over an hour before leaving. The music was loud, and I didn't buy a drink because the bar was so croweded when we arrived that I couldn't see what was on offer and it was too awkward. Being such as loud place made me wonder how anyone can seriously get to know a girl in that environment. On the other hand, with the place being so crowded you were bumping into people anyway, and getting from one place to another would often involve brushing past many attractive women (there was quite a lot more girls than men there) without it being an issue. So from that perspective I can see how relationships could start there (if you keep your mobile's on).

The journey home was quite interesting too. Near me no the train were a bunch of people in their late teens/early 20's. Now often when I see a group of people like this hanging around and get to hear the conversations, as it was on this occassion, I can see exactly why I just couldn't fit in with my peers. It's hard to pinpoint what it is about their interactions, but the things I noticed were a rather casual approach to relationships, them not really knowing what their plans were for the night (arguing about it on the train), and what I may consider a rather sloppy, less than formidable use of language. Not slang, but rather the use of these modern words and expressions that appear to have been invented by teenagers. The only language I've ever known is standard English, to me it's far easier and more straight forward than any other version of the English language and it makes you sound more intelligent and credable. Hopefully in due course I will be able to give more detailed or better observations on such kinds of people, that will demonstrate to my readers more accurately why I simply didn't fit in. But for now these are my observations.