Last night I went to an organised social, the first for several months now. Everyone there was between 18 and 29, with an equal mix of men and women. I only decided to go on the day. Having not been to any social like this for sometime, and after having had a new haircut, with a more fashionable style, I just couldn't face staying in on my own again.
The place was very busy when I arrived but I settled in quite nicely. It was mainly the men who were there at first, the girls seemed to arrive all at a similar time about 20 minutes later.
One unfortunate dynamic that occured in the first pub was that the girls ended up sitting all round a table, and the guys were standing around mingling beside the other table. I mean I was quite happy to mingle with the guys and as always do my best to be socialable and take an interest in everyone. But what seemed to happen at one point, and I can never pinpoint easily how this happens, is that the guys were split into a couple of groups and I somehow found myself shut out of both conversation. Solution - toilet time!
Back from the toilet things got a bit better as the guys started sitting down on another table. In the meantime I introduced myself and shook hands with the girls, along with some other men there, but the combination of the loud music and the positioning of the girls in a circle made it virtually impossible to have any proper conversation with them.
Soon after though, we moved to another pub. I'd already mentioned to the guys after I came back from the toilet that "I'm not happy with this dynamic, with the girls all around that table and the guys standing around, we need to go somewhere else to break this dynamic!" This did seem like the worst possible dynamic because when your somewhere sitting round a table it doesn't really look noticable if your not really engaged in the conversation, whereas if you are standing up mingling and you're and the converstion of the people closest to you are talking ahead of you, you can look rather like a 'loser.' That said you don't want to be stuck at the same seat all night. You need a mix of standing and mingling and sitting.
As we moved to another pub I managed to interact with the girls more. Prior to the night and on the train journey there I had done my usual brainstorming. This was for both possible topics to disucss, and also conversational techniques and opinion openers to use. I largely feel I succeeded with this.
I had more social success in the second pub. I managed to get sitting on a stall opposite a couple of girls and got them engaged in a conversation, using some of the techniques I have learnt in the past year. I tried out a new opinion opener on them (although I wasn't making a cold approach). Later on I managed even to use an ice-breaker, with one man and one girl, that I actually learned unwittingly from my parents to get a couple of people talking, and to get the conversation to become more interesting. I feel really proud of this moment because I actually managed to lead the conversation for a time. However I may also have unwittingly got those two into some type of 'us' zone, as on the second time round, they both agreed to do it again, and have the loser by a drink. When he suggested this I said I wasn't prepared to play such a game as I didn't have enough cash left, so the two of them did it between them.
Eventually we went into a third pub but by this time the group seemed to be dissembling, probably due to the crowds of people. So I decided at this point I would slip back to the station, but not before going into a favourite pub in the town and making a cold approach with my new opener. I found a couple of girls and a suitable moment to approach them, keeping an eye on my mobile whilst pretending I was recieving a text whilst looking for my window of opportunity. This time I seemed to hit the mark as far as this went. The girls seemed to be engaging with me, one of them even asked me what I do, thus investing something herself into the conversation. Mind you, they said they had to leave by this time. So mixed feeling about this one!
I bumped into a girl I had been speed dating with coming out of that pub. She recognised me, though I did not recognise her. And I managed a fifteen mintue interaction at the train station sitting down in the waiting room. I found an excuse to give that girl my number, though I don't think I liked her enough to want to ask for hers. A man from work was also entering the station and saw me chatting to the girl. She said to him "we only just met." I hope I impressed him somewhat.
Overall I am pleased I was able to put some things I have learnt recently into practice, and perhaps one thing I have learnt is to take a more chilled out approach to approaching girls. That said I still feel I have some social deficiency that I cannot quite pinpoint, but that seems to prevent me from actually making real friendships and bonding with people, particularly women. I hope to continue practicing doing these kinds of interactions.
The place was very busy when I arrived but I settled in quite nicely. It was mainly the men who were there at first, the girls seemed to arrive all at a similar time about 20 minutes later.
One unfortunate dynamic that occured in the first pub was that the girls ended up sitting all round a table, and the guys were standing around mingling beside the other table. I mean I was quite happy to mingle with the guys and as always do my best to be socialable and take an interest in everyone. But what seemed to happen at one point, and I can never pinpoint easily how this happens, is that the guys were split into a couple of groups and I somehow found myself shut out of both conversation. Solution - toilet time!
Back from the toilet things got a bit better as the guys started sitting down on another table. In the meantime I introduced myself and shook hands with the girls, along with some other men there, but the combination of the loud music and the positioning of the girls in a circle made it virtually impossible to have any proper conversation with them.
Soon after though, we moved to another pub. I'd already mentioned to the guys after I came back from the toilet that "I'm not happy with this dynamic, with the girls all around that table and the guys standing around, we need to go somewhere else to break this dynamic!" This did seem like the worst possible dynamic because when your somewhere sitting round a table it doesn't really look noticable if your not really engaged in the conversation, whereas if you are standing up mingling and you're and the converstion of the people closest to you are talking ahead of you, you can look rather like a 'loser.' That said you don't want to be stuck at the same seat all night. You need a mix of standing and mingling and sitting.
As we moved to another pub I managed to interact with the girls more. Prior to the night and on the train journey there I had done my usual brainstorming. This was for both possible topics to disucss, and also conversational techniques and opinion openers to use. I largely feel I succeeded with this.
I had more social success in the second pub. I managed to get sitting on a stall opposite a couple of girls and got them engaged in a conversation, using some of the techniques I have learnt in the past year. I tried out a new opinion opener on them (although I wasn't making a cold approach). Later on I managed even to use an ice-breaker, with one man and one girl, that I actually learned unwittingly from my parents to get a couple of people talking, and to get the conversation to become more interesting. I feel really proud of this moment because I actually managed to lead the conversation for a time. However I may also have unwittingly got those two into some type of 'us' zone, as on the second time round, they both agreed to do it again, and have the loser by a drink. When he suggested this I said I wasn't prepared to play such a game as I didn't have enough cash left, so the two of them did it between them.
Eventually we went into a third pub but by this time the group seemed to be dissembling, probably due to the crowds of people. So I decided at this point I would slip back to the station, but not before going into a favourite pub in the town and making a cold approach with my new opener. I found a couple of girls and a suitable moment to approach them, keeping an eye on my mobile whilst pretending I was recieving a text whilst looking for my window of opportunity. This time I seemed to hit the mark as far as this went. The girls seemed to be engaging with me, one of them even asked me what I do, thus investing something herself into the conversation. Mind you, they said they had to leave by this time. So mixed feeling about this one!
I bumped into a girl I had been speed dating with coming out of that pub. She recognised me, though I did not recognise her. And I managed a fifteen mintue interaction at the train station sitting down in the waiting room. I found an excuse to give that girl my number, though I don't think I liked her enough to want to ask for hers. A man from work was also entering the station and saw me chatting to the girl. She said to him "we only just met." I hope I impressed him somewhat.
Overall I am pleased I was able to put some things I have learnt recently into practice, and perhaps one thing I have learnt is to take a more chilled out approach to approaching girls. That said I still feel I have some social deficiency that I cannot quite pinpoint, but that seems to prevent me from actually making real friendships and bonding with people, particularly women. I hope to continue practicing doing these kinds of interactions.
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