Why I Ocassionaly Visit an Escort - Yet Never Slept with One

For as long as I can remember, I have had a very strong desire to touch a girl I am attracted to in sensual way and for many years any type of physical contact with a woman, let alone anything sexual, seemed like an unobtainable fantasy.

As a consequence I have for the past twenty years, as documented throughout this blog made a big effort in the following three areas:

1. Trying to find a girlfriend
2. Trying to make more friends and build a social life that would involve meeting women and increase my chances of finding a girlfriend
3. Developing social attraction

However despite years of efforts, and despite (in the last couple of years especially), managing to go on a few first dates, dressing up, booking a venue, and managing to hold a decent conversation and in some cases even build some connection - the women have for one reason or another not wanted to continue dating me. 

It seems that when women agree to go out on a first date, their default is to think "no" to further dates, unless they feel some sort of spark or connection. My default is to say "yes" (given that I know I'm attracted to them before I ask them out) unless I discover a major disagreement or a red flag, and then I would want to continue meeting and discuss what we both want out of a relationship and see if we can agree to something, and continue dating and become boyfriend and girlfriend unless there is a good reason not to.

However, unless the woman is willing to continue dating me and begin to engage in a more physical relationship, then it would be appear that the only way to get physically intimate with an attractive woman is through hiring a escort.

If someone can suggest an alternative way of doing obtaining physical intimacy (not necessarily sexual but with the potential of it going that way) with an attractive woman without having to form some sort of connection or get her in love with you - then I'd like to know!

Levels of Intimacy

To make things clear, there is a very fine line between the type of intimacy I desperately crave sometimes, and the type that I would be very nervous about - although I would give it a go given the right circumstances, which I've yet to encounter. I'm going to divide this into three levels of physical intimacy:

Level 1: Mild: i.e. Hold hands, brief kisses.
Level 2: Semi-Sexual: Undressing each other, touching for extended periods in a more sensual way including more intimate body parts such as upper thighs and breasts
Level 3: Sexual: Penetrative intercourse and other similar activity such as oral.

At present, I have yet to ever engage, in Level 3 and do not feel entirely comfortable at this level. However I have a very strong desire for Level 2 - at least to be able to have this type of physical contact occasionally - doesn't have to be every week! The bizarre thing is when you visit escort sites the girls are always citing the often weird and extreme Level 3 activities they are willing to engage in with abbreviations - and I have no idea what they're talking about! 

So when I hire and escort I am seeking to spend an hour on Level 2 activity - I'll go as far as a gentle hand-job with any woman I find attractive! However I simply don't feel comfortable doing Level 3 stuff with a woman I don't know and only have an hour to spend with, and without an opportunity to talk through it later. Level 3 for me would at least need to be with a friend, whom I can build things up with on Level 2 first, and if I feel awkward after having done Level 3, we can at least talk about it afterwards and offload our experience.

The desire for self expression:

Physical intimacy is not the only reason I see an escort, though it is the primary one. There is also the mental side of being able to express myself in the way I show affection to a woman, and to talk to a woman about the things that turn me on, the things I might see a woman do that I could get a "kick" out of (That Gary Shearston song is one I definitely relate to). I like to get her to do a little dance, as if she was in a club, and then tell her how cool she looks, I love to find her ticklish spots and hear her laugh, and have her lay on the bed while I caress her whole body and she (hopefully) is able to close her eyes and enjoy the sensation.

One may suggest that this is all fake intimacy - but as with socialising, for me fake friendship and fake intimacy is better than none at all.

The Great Irony

It seems that if you cannot find a girlfriend, or a friend with benefits (which is very difficult as it normally still involves you creating sexual attraction and if you ask a friend for something sexual they might give you a slap!) then the only way to do obtain this type of intimacy with a woman is through hiring an escort.

I find it very ironic that in one sense it is easier to learn to fly a plane, then obtain a willing sexual or semi-sexual partner. Because whereas learning to fly (I would imagine) requires having serious money, time and resources, and knowing the right people, finding a willing sexual or semi-sexual partner requires:

1. No Money
2. No Resources
3. No Skills
4. Limited Time

Moving Forward

I am continuing to search for a girlfriend and will regularly go to singles night, swipe on the apps and take whatever dating opportunities come my way. At the same time I will continue to hire an escort when I see one I like at a convenient time.

However the frustrating thing is not only the financial cost of hiring an escort but the lack of transparency in the process - many of the girls are foreign and their English is limited.

It has occurred to me that there are two key obstacles in being able to obtain this type of intimacy outside of escort services.

1. Market Forces: Any woman that interests me, is going to have several, if not many other men wanting to date her. I, by contract, am not likely to have other women on the go.

2. Exclusivity: I sometimes think my life would be much better if we lived in a society where we simply didn't have exclusive relationships. That dating, romantic and sexual activity was more like going to a dance event, where we constantly share partners.

At a Latin dance event, both men and women will simply dance with whoever they wish to for one song, then move onto another partner for the next. There seems to be no jealousy, and even if you are a beginner dancer or not the best, you will still find people willing to dance with you. Everyone can get a bite of the cherry, so to speak.

The problem is when women are seeking just one boyfriend, a culture of exclusive relationships excludes a good proportion of men from being able to have any type of physical intimacy at all. Because even if you go on dates and they go reasonably well, and they quite like you, you're in competition with so many other men, and the woman has a better option to go with, leaving you with nothing and back to square one.

While I seek out a proper girlfriend, I am trying to think of ways I can find a woman/women women who would be willing to meet up just occasionally (i.e. once a month, once every 2-3 months even) to engage in Level 2 intimacy, with an openness of moving onto Level 3 should we both feel aroused and comfortable. This in theory shouldn't be that difficult what I am seeking requires no money, no resources, no skills and only limited time.

Yet it seems like a very difficult thing to obtain. I think my best bet would be mentioning this issue to a few trusted friends, as to find a third party, who may know some women in or into open relationships, or simply enjoy sex, and would be willing to meet up ocassionaly with an inexperienced man - even if its just out of sympathy. We could have a quick zoom call first, just to check we're comfortable with each other, and then meet at either of our places at a convenient time. 

Don't tell me to go on dating apps or hookup apps - my profile would just get lost in the sea of men! 

As I say this is simply a substitute whilst looking for a permanent girlfriend. 

But it seems so ironic that something so simple, and so natural, is so difficult to obtain.

2008-2023: 15 Years of Dating Efforts and Hard Graft

At the age of 41, and with very little relationship experience, I find myself thinking its my fault as I have not tried hard enough. What motivates me is partly fear of missing out, and the thinking when I get to 70, 60 or even 50 I'll be thinking "why didn't I do something about this when I was younger"

Therefore, so my own benefit mainly, I felt I should document my dating efforts I made over the past 15 years. This is post is my no mean exhaustive. I could not go into every single dating site I've joined, every single message sent, or every single girl I asked out, or every single singles night, speed dating event or social I went to in the hope of finding a girlfriend.

Before 2008

Prior to 2008, I had never asked a girl out because I simply didn't know anyone well enough to do so. My social life consisted of me sharing my parents friends, other middle aged couples, as this had been what was safe, easy and comfortable for me. The only people I knew were those at work, church (I used to go with my parents) and in a small political organisation which was very elderly.

I did join a few dating sites, and placed the odd add in the Personals section of the local newspaper, but to be honest, I was incredibly shy, and was often too by various worries which were leading to a type of OCD.

I did have my eye on a daughter of one of the couples at church, she was at university at this time but would come down occasionally. Whenever she was there, I would try to find a 'window of opportunity' to talk to her over coffee after the service, ask her how her course was going etc, in the hope I could build some sort of connection with her and maybe ask her out. 

2008

I had added this girl as a Facebook friend and discovered in early 2008 she was moving back to my town. By this time her parents had moved to another church, so I suspected she might go there too. So one Sunday I decided to go along on my own to that church. I managed to catch her during coffee after the service, ask her how work was going etc, and then suggested meeting her coffee the following week as I was off work (I wanted to do this in person and not just via facebook). She (reluctantly I feel) agreed and that was my first date. Nothing romantic at all. I tried to make other suggestions afterwards, but she was always busy, and I eventually managed to get a third party friend to ascertain her interest in me at her brothers wedding later that year.

2009

By this time I had moved to a different church which had a 20s group which had become my primary social homebase. There was one particular girl I grew to like there, and one particular evening I felt she might be into me. So I asked her if she'd meet for coffee and she agreed. Again, nothing romantic here. I tried asking her to meet again, she initially agreed, but cancelled. Then a couple of months later, I wrote a little letter was a return envelope asking if she would consider being in a relationship with me. She replied and said no and I was devastated, as I did not know anyone else.

(At this time, I was looking for a Christian wife, as this was what the family expected for me and church was a big part of my life at this time. I did and still do have a faith however religion has always been a very loaded and sensitive subject for me, so I will not go into further details).

I then decided to sign onto a Christian dating website and went to a few Christian singles events in London. Again I couldn't make any connections. I did start chatting to a girl in the West Country for a month or so and we were almost able to meet up, but circumstances got in the way and then she met someone else. Again I was devastated.

2010

By the end of 2009 my social prospects looked bleak. I would continue sending girls messages online, if she replied it was always dry up very quickly. The 20s group at church was depleting due to a mix of people leaving the church or getting into relationships and had become very male dominated. I HAD to make changes. I looked outside the churches and did a google search for social events and found a group which was a pre-curser to meetup.com.

I managed to get one random date with a girl from the Christian dating site in April 2010, again, nothing romantic. However for the most part my efforts were redirected to trying to gain a better and more fun social life in general. I went to numerous 'organised socials' (much of this is covered in my early blog posts) in 2010, 2011, and in the years that followed.

2011

In early 2011, an American friend of one of my best friends (whom I knew from the my old church and had reached out to me since I we started going there in 2000) set me up with one of his work colleagues. We had a decent date, Pizza Express then a gig (run by people we knew) but again nothing romantic and no connection from either side.

In May 2011 I saw a Facebook ad for a workshop for men wanting to get help with attracting women. I went along and became one of this coach. Once a month or so I would meet with the coach and one or two other guys and we would go out into town to see if we can approach women, and on other Saturdays night I would simply meet with the others guys. Again no real success here, got the odd number, but nothing followed through. 

Around the same time, I decided to move to a different church again, as the 20s group in my current church had greatly depleted and there were no opportunities for dating or social progress. There were already a few people I knew in the church I started attending, and I ended up being invited to another young adults group there. While this was helpful in terms of having a better social life in general, no real dating opportunities arose from this.

2012-2013

The main benefit of the social attraction coaching I underwent in 2011-2012 was to give me some understanding of what attracts women, opportunities to approach, and knowing how I can improve my lifestyle in such a way to attract women. This became more my focus at this time. I had the belief that if i changed by lifestyle and the way I communicate, a girl would just come along. As I play guitar, my coach said I should get into a band. He also recommended I try and find ways to be seen out with more women. 

My friend (the one I knew from church since 2000 and who also ran music nights) gave me a few opportunities to play guitar at his events, and then in 2013 I was fortunate enough to meet a female singer looking for a guitarist to gig with, and we started gigging together, 2013 was a year a major social progress for me as it was also the year I passed my driving test!

2014-2016

In the summer of 2014 I did perhaps the bravest thing I have done in regards to meeting a woman. A took part in local charity version of the TV show 'Take Me Out'. I saw an advert looking for another man and I jumped at the opportunity. I got one light on, but I think she only left her's on to avoid a blackout. I dressed in a nice fitted smart jacket, my video I am sure referred to my gigs and my interest in making money online at the time, so not quite sure what the girls didn't see in me.

However, a little later in 2014, after years of effort, I FINALLY found a girlfriend, indeed I met two women that were really into me that year. The relationship lasted until around March 2015. I cannot say any more than on this..

I continued with the gigs with my female singer and really felt like I was 'the man' at times. Following the break up of the relationship (which to be fair never went very deep, either physically or emotionally, we'd just meet up on Saturdays over food and snuggle up on the sofa and watch TV, mainly, which was nice) I had the odd date coming from online, in amongst sending MANY messages where there was no reply. But again, they didn't feel any connection or chemistry so nothing happened.

2017-2019

In 2017, I met another girl who I managed to meet up with five times. We had one date, she said afterwards she didn't feel any connection (as usual) however we did meet up on four other occasions. We only met as I had mentioned "Countdown" on my profile (the TV show) and she was due to appear on Countdown that year. 

The following year (to the best of my memory) I applied for the Channel 4 TV show 'First Dates' and to my surprise was invited to the studio to do an interview in London which would have been included if I had either been given a match or deemed suitable for the show. Soon afterwards, I had a skype call with a psychologist or psychotherapist to determine my suitability for the show, but in the end nothing came about it.

My energies at this stage were still more directed and building a better social life in general as opposed to dating. Things were drying up at this point on the gigs front, but I took up salsa dancing. Whilst salsa dancing is great for getting you out into a social environment, it is a much harder avenue than it would seem for meeting a partner, as the environment is not very conducive to great conversations.

In around 2018-2019, I felt 'burnt out' from all the years of accumulated social and dating efforts. 

2020 and beyond

After the feelings of deflation and burn out in 2018-2019 and the shock of the events in 2020, including the loss of my job, as of 2022, I am now back and raring to go onto the dating scene. 

I had managed to secure three first dates in 2022 and one in 2023. One was a girl I knew as a friend (I knocked on her door one morning to ask her our), one was a girl I met in a facebook group, one was a girl I was set up with, and the other I met on Bumble (which for the most part is a complete dead-end of no response swipes!) 

There's one girl I almost went on a date and I find it very regrettable about the timing and situations where we've met, see my previous post. 

I would hope to think that readers will consider myself to have made valiant efforts. I often feel like a total failure in this area of life, but I feel that if I continue this way, and not met anyone or had the relationship I want by the age of70, no one could say "you should have tried harder when you were young". 

Deconstructing a Crush

Over the past few weeks I have been struggling with a feeling of an unrequited crush on a particular woman. This has been the first time I have felt like this for many years, probably not since 2010. I'll call her Lucy. 

Background

I first Lucy met at a meeting about a subject that interests me over a just over a year ago and remember her questions and contributions towards the end. Then about a year ago I went to an alternative dating night, in the hope I might meet someone compatible with me. To my great surprise, Lucy was there and she recognised me. We had a chat, and had quite a few common interests, and exchanged numbers. I asked her out for a drink and she initially agreed to meet me on Wednesday, but then had to cancel as she was double booked. I then invited her to a friend's house party but she said she was busy, then she told me she'd met someone and they were exclusive. I felt a bit cheesed off, because, if only she could have made the first date, I might have had a chance.

Fast forward to a few weeks ago, I was at another house party with some friends who share similar interests (won't go into details on this as it detracts from the point) and Lucy was there, and it appears this exclusive relationship was now over. I told my good friend Matt (not real name and who has great flirting skills with woman and tries to help me in this area) that I liked her, and she was the one I had already been in contact. To be honest I liked her even more seeing her at this party than I did previously. 

Unfortunately, late in the evening, it all turned a bit awkward. Matt began chatting a lady who turned out to be Lucy's sister, and Lucy seemed interested so her sister left them to chat and flirt together. I was around and really anxiously hoping, I could find a window of opportunity to join in the conversation, but it seemed my friend Matt and Lucy got into a bit of an 'us zone' and Lucy was really into my friend, I noticed her do her lipstick at one point. In the end Lucy's mum offered Matt and myself as well as Lucy a lift back to the train station, it was really obvious Lucy was into my friend, on the way to the car, and Lucy clearly found an excuse to sit in the back with Matt. 

Just for the record Matt is a fantastic mate that I've known for three years now, we hand out together, done all sorts of things together and talk really openly about everything. Matt has a great desire to protect me (being a much bigger guy than myself) and would never do anything to upset me. He can get carried away, unintentionally. That said on the walk towards the car I felt increasingly uncomfortable as Matt and Lucy were flirting together, and was really hoping Matt would try and create an opening for me. Matt assured once we out of the car that he wasn't going to contact Lucy afterwards and he was't crazy about her, and that our friendship is far more important, to which I am extremely grateful. 

Why the Crush and its Can we Deconstruction it?

Since this happened, I have suffered from so many feelings of sadness and unrequited love. Part of the reason for posting this is for me to process my feelings, and hopefully 'deconstruct' the crush I have on Lucy.

What is it I like so much about Lucy? Well, I think its a combination of her being a physically attractive woman in her 30s, but also the vibe she gives off in a social setting, her energy, something that is hard to define, alongside the fact we have common interests and values and in a sense common aspirations (not in terms of career path). All these things combined in one woman would be very rare to find, given that some of our views and interests may be considered, well unusual. There are plenty of women I am attracted to, both physically and in terms of vibe and energy, but I know that ultimately I would likely have too many differences to get along. With Lucy, I see someone who is further ahead than me in the path I want to move into.

Critically, I also see qualities in Lucy, which I lack, or get the feeling she has something in her life which I am missing out on. I know she has experience in acting, and this shows in the way she flirts and communicates. She has an outward confidence that I lack, a social awareness I lack, and yet outside of this she seems to have more  experience in relation to common interests, that I lack. Even though I now have a great social life, and get to go to quite a few house parties and nights out, I acutely remember the time, 20 years ago, when I didn't have friends, and would be infatuated by these bubbly, expressive, outgoing type of girls because by their vibe, it would appear that they live really exciting social lives. I now know that in reality, there is probably nothing all that exciting about the lives of the likes of Lucy - apart from possibly attention of the opposite sex which is a big deal - but otherwise if Lucy is living this super exciting life, it probably is not a lifestyle the suits me.  

Now when I think of Lucy, what is it that I instinctively want from her life? Sex? Not primarily, I don't think. I think its simply the desire to be part of her life, or involved in some way, and be able to have that communicable connection. I would want to meet up, and talk about the possibility of having a relationship. 

I think there's also an element of envy in my feelings towards my friend Matt, how seemed to have Lucy hanging my his fingertips late into the evening, and a feeling of inadequacy on my part, that I was unable to connect with Lucy on a verbal, flirting and banter type of level whilst my friend could. 

I also find it regrettable that the situations where Lucy and have met have both been slightly awkward and uncomfortable ones for me, appearing like a 'low value' male, and I just wished she could see me in situation where I could shine, where I an doing something impressive, demonstrating knowledge and experience or something. The alternative dating night was awkward, possibly for both of us, and this recent house party was awkward for me. I think I also feel like I've messed up in some way, have failed somehow. At the party, while Matt and Lucy were bantering away, I couldn't help but look awkward, at times trying to talk to other people, but not wanting to stray too far from Matt and Lucy and look for my 'window of opportunity' to join in, or in the hope that Matt might slip in a good word for me (as I said, he's apologised in case I was upset my his getting carried away and I accept that totally).

There's also the feeling of "if only she liked me..." because if she did, thus could work between us.

All in all it was an awkward situation that took place on the night, though not through anybody's fault. Analysing the reasons for my crush is the most helpful thing for me to do in order to 'deconstruct' it and hopefully realise that for one reason or another a relationship wouldn't work between us, or discover something I don't like about her. 

As it happened, Matt did bump into Lucy again at another meeting (I wasn't there) and it was awkward! Lucy already figured out I liked her, and referred to the moment we got in the car - what a memory! And quite scary how women know you like them, when I have nowhere near this level of perception, making me feel somewhat vulnerable that they can read my body language far better than I can theirs, let another reason that makes them attractive because they have what I lack.

What would make me happy

I have asked Matt to slip in a good word about me in passing if he bumps into Lucy again. I'm not necessarily saying I want Lucy as my girlfriend, though I'm certainly open to this - however my mind would be more at ease if Lucy could know the real me in some way, perhaps being aware I have aspergers and that would explain my social awkwardness, and maybe if she heard a few stories that put me in a positive light. 

Problems finding a girlfriend and possible solutions

I've had a bit of a down day today. This area of dating and meeting someone special is something I am DESPERATE to get sorted but there seems to be no solution. I feel STUCK. I went for a walk and tried to analyse the problem.

I drafted up on a Notepad document the PROBLEMS and POSSILE SOLUTIONS to my (lack of) dating dilemma.

Problems 1. I have accumulated several good friends and a large social circle, and I am meeting with friends in one context or another several times a week. However, at this present moment this social circle does not contain any eligible single women, and the places we go to when out, are not generally conducive to meeting new single women. 2. There is one environment in particular I go into where I am meeting women of the right age who are single, which is salsa dancing classes and event. However in this context I go on my own, I don't have any real friends who are there with me, just mere acquaintances that I may see regularly at most. It is not easy to get into a conversation with people at salsa, as there's loud music playing and people are there to dance and talk. 3. As a result, I have no place where I get any support/feedback from friends hinting if a certain girl is interested, or how I should go about getting to know them or asking them out. 4. I have tried online dating and it is a laborious chore. I struggle to 'sell' myself and have to send messages to women who I probably have little in common with and, rarely get replies and if I do it always dries up quickly. I've tried it and its both difficult, bording, and is not working as an avenue to meet women. 5. I cannot do flirting and banter, which is all part of online dating and messaging. I had coaching ten years ago and tried to learn, but it just does not come naturally and its me pretending to be something I am not. Teaching me flirting and banter skills is like teaching someone with no natural musical ability to play an instrument. 6. I do have a sense of humour, however it doesn't generally slip into conversations, but has to be explained, and while my best friends love my humour, most new people will find it wierd. 7. In general, when I might meet a woman who happens to be single, its hard to know how to transition from saying 'Hello' to finding out if they are single, their current dating situation, then knowing when its appropriate to ask them out, without going in too early. 8. I am a very honest and straight talking individual. However my having genuine difficulties in the area of dating, expressing those difficulties and the desire to be chased instead can in itself be a turn off when part of the attraction comes from you having options and interest from women. 9. Occasionally I think of a creative solution to my problem i.e. business cards, however I am constantly told these will backfire! Possible solutions: 1. A professional matchmaker who can find me dates with people they know are ready for a relationship 2. Friends to introduce me to any suitable women, or to find places, environments whereby I can approach and meet single women, get into a proper conversation, social proof 3. A different type of singles night/environment. Perhaps a quieter night with tables with ice-breaker questions, relating to dating issues, which facilitate genuine conversation and discussion, and can get to know people authentically. And having other close friends in the scene who can help me navigate it. 4. Something TANTERMOUNT to an arranged marriage. Rather than trying to the navigate the dating process through flirting, banter, push-pull, tension, etc once we have established we both like each other enough to 'try out' a relationship both in terms of looks and personality, we move to discuss how we develop it, how often we meet, what we do together, etc. 5. Mail order brides as a last resort attempt.

Do I actually want an exclusive relationship, or do I just feel like I'm missing out?

In recent years one of my main social activities has been latin dancing, salsa and bachata. This has brought huge value in my life, especially as it enables me to get physical close to many hot, attractive women. As far as I'm can see this is the only way to get close physical and sometimes sensual contact with women without going through all the hoops needed to form a relationship.

While you get some people, though not many, attending dance events as a couple, in terms of dancing, hardly anyone will ever go to one of these dance events and only want to dance with one partner. You're free to dance with any woman, and women come to dance with a wide range of men. A dance is nothing more than a dance. When the song ends you find another partner. No one is seeking to 'settle down' with one exclusive dance partner. If they're a regular, chances are you'll dance with them again either later that night or at another event. Other people you may only ever dance with once.  

It occurred to me that if dating and sex was a dance event, that is was abnormal to be exclusive, and that all men and women (except those not interested at all) were open for dating and sexual activity with multiple partners, with no intention of finding an exclusive partner, life would be better, and it would remove this frustration. There could be a local dating community forum, you could say you're looking for someone to go down the pub on Wednesday, or your date at some social function, or you want a sexual encounter, and you find someone who at least likes you enough, and is available that night. Hopefully you'd get to know many people socially this way, just like you familiarise yourself with certain dance partners.

I'm starting to think that when I say I want a girlfriend, what I really mean is that I don't like seeing girls to find a boyfriend they are exclusive with and become unavailable and socially more detached from everyone else other than the boyfriend, at least not unless I also can find an exclusive girlfriend.

At a dance event, it is very inclusive. You don't have to be the best or more sought after dancer to find people to dance with you. Most women will be open to dancing with a wide range of men. Of course it's hard if you're a beginner, however you'll probably find more advanced dancers willing to help you.

Whereas with dating, sex and relationships, a large number of guys who are not the most attractive (in the broader sense) will get left out in the cold in a climate of exclusivity. Its very ironic that it can be hard to meet another 30 or 40 year old woman who we have much in common with for coffee, if she has some other boyfriend, because I might be seen as a threat, yet I could visit any 80 year old who I may have nothing in common with and there would be no issue! Whereas if we did away with our exclusive dating climate, one could meet up with anyone with no issues of temptation or jealousy!

What I'm basically saying is that the only real reason I feel dissatisfied being single is because of the culture of exclusivity. I wish it wasn't that way, or else could find a significant local community of normal, attractive heterosexual people including many women who purposefully reject exclusive relationships and are as open to dating multiple men as and when in the same way as if you go to a dance event. And you can make general platonic friends with such people knowing that there won't be some new romantic boyfriend getting in the way. 

These are just my thoughts at the present time, which are developing always. I'm not trying to propose anything, just thinking through my underlying thoughts and feelings. Sometime you say you want one thing, but when you think hard enough and ash why, you realise what you actually want is not quite what you were thinking. 

So admittedly much of my own motivation for finding an exclusive girlfriend is so that I don't get left out in the cold, tossed around by the social tide, and lack what girls with exclusive boyfriends have.

 

Is there ANY GENUINE SOLUTION out of the Catch 22 situation?

In the past couple of months I have had so many thoughts rattling around my mind, and been spending many evenings and lunch breaks wandering around local parks collecting my thoughts, talking to myself, and trying to find SOLUTIONS to scramble my way out of this catch 22 situation. 

The problem being, how do I stop being perpetually single and be able to GET IN to relationships without it being a huge effort! 

How to go beyond first dates and get through the HOOPS necessary to get to physical intimacy with a woman.

I have been thinking hard and strategically about what I actually want. Do I want a steady girlfriend? Do I want a friend with benefits? Do I just want one off encounters?

The answer is what I would like MOST is to be settled into a steady relationship with an attractive girl. HOWEVER, failing that, and in the meantime, I want to find a way to have some sort of sensual and sexual intimacy with women (without paying huge prices), while searching for a proper girlfriend. It's not just the having sex, its things like walking to the beach together, hand in hand, extended touching, all the things that you see couples do.

HOW DO I ACHIEVE THIS?

Here's a summary of how I am feeling and why:

Wanting to make up for lost time in terms of not having sex and relationships but having no clear methodology as to how to go about this. Feeling like its my fault for not trying hard enough when I was younger.

This is the real Catch 22: IF I said to myself "I'm now 40, I want to sort out of my driving problem and learn to drive" (which I did at 30 btw), while the process of undertaking lessons and tests may not be easy, you can sure of these THREE things:

1. It is perfectly socially acceptable to be OPEN about this and say "Hey, I'm turned 40, I've decided its time I learnt to drive"

2. OTHER PEOPLE will be supportive of your aim, they'll say "good for you" rather than "just be yourself and stop looking.

3. There is a CLEAR METHODOLOGY of how to achieve your aim to become a driver. Hire an instructor who will teach you HOW to drive, and learn and practice everything you need to pass a test. Just about anyone with the determination will achieve it eventually

The same could be said for almost every other goal like learning a language, playing an instrument or losing weight.

Yet when it come to finding a girlfriend, or intimate encounters in the meantime...not only is there NO CLEAR METHODOLOGY but you're left in a real catch 22 situation, in that if you tell a prospective partner that you are looking and TRYING to find a girlfriend, or that you have a genuine STRUGGLE in this area, they will likely be TURNED OFF dating you! WHAT A CATCH 22 - YOU'RE HAVING TO DISGUISE YOUR TRUE FEELINGS, and try to be social and interested in other stuff that you're not! WITH EVERYTHING ELSE AT LEAST YOU CAN BE OPEN ABOUT YOUR OBJECTIVES.

And yes people do have occasional flings, intimate encounters and friends with benefits, yet if you ASK a woman if she'd be happy to be a friend with benefits you're most likely to a frosty response!

With all that said, I do believe that if you REALLY want something, there is always a solution out there, you've just got to scramble around to find it. 

"You'll meet her when your not looking" The PROBLEM

So many times when I talk about my lack of dating success, I get told something like "just relax, chill out more, the right girl will turn up when you least expect it...."

Now, if I was 20 years old, and was REGULARLY meeting datable women, I could except this fine. However, being 40 years old, and having been to many singles events, speed dating and other meet-up type events over many years, and now actually having a decent social life (largely thanks to covid ironically) and having been to many salsa dancing classes and events in recent years...and seriously NOT seeking to date anyone, just being around friends...then one has to realise I am talking about my dating frustrations IN VIEW of the fact that I HAVE been doing exactly what you said...yet when after so many years of being socially active and STILL you have little dating prospects, or at least not knowing how to utilise them...then if you want to change that it is no good just saying "it will happen when you're not looking".

I don't want to be in this situation at age 70, 60, or even 50, look at attractive young girls while I'm looking old and grey and think "if only I tried when I was younger". But the only way to PREVENT those feelings when you're older (which I'm starting to get already is to TRY HARDER when you're younger. 

And with ANYTHING ELSE in life that you want to achieve, such as learning to drive, acquiring a skill like playing an instrument, or taking up a certain sport, or losing weight, you are expected to accomplish this through EFFORT and DETERMINATION and there is NO STIGMA attached to saying you are TRYING, people will admire you for this. 

Want to lose 3 stone? "Oh the weight will drop off when you stop thinking about it...?" Of course not.

So if you're aim is to improve your dating and relationships life, you're in a CATCH 22 if appearing to TRY is going to be detrimental to your success!

Anyway here is what I'm thinking when I hear people say "it will happen when you're not trying"

If you are a MAN, women will RARELY be direct and tell you straight that they fancy you, or ask you out, they will rather give off subtle hints in the hope you will make the first move. There's been a few occasions when I thought this may be happening, in which case I had to think VERY hard about how to ask her out, but for the most part, I CANNOT READ THE SIGNS. People have told me about these types of situations retrospectively but at the times I just don't see it. And the times in which it happens are probably too few and far between to become good at noticing the signals, and usually require instant response when you least expect it.
Given that is the situation, and women are very rarely going to be direct, then HOW, as a MAN can you expect it to just 'happen'?

Why I'm restarting this blog ten years later!

Well it's been over 10 years since my last post and reached the grand old age of 40! Blogging is one of those things you start doing because you are eager to share some information, and for a period of time you think you are going to want to post something everyday, but at some point you begin to tire of it. You still have loads you wish to report but presenting that information can be burdensome, especially when very few people are reading this.

Summary of the Past Ten Years

Am I now married or in any serious relationship? No. However, I did have a couple of short term girlfriends back to back at age 32 in 2014-2015, one I met at a singles night and the other on pof. It was a bit of a fluke I feel. I had several dates with another girl a bit further away in 2017. And a couple of other dates with two different women earlier this year. Otherwise not much to report on that front.

However in terms of my social life in general, things have improved incredibly. During 2012 I continued in the dating coaching I had in 2012, my coach suggested I that join a band, start playing my guitar in live settings (I am a fairly good guitarist btw - not sure if I mentioned that earlier) and try to be seen to be around more women, to make myself more attractive to women. 

Around this time my uncle and another friend were hosting a monthly music night, mostly original acts, and I managed to get a few opportunities to play there around 2012 and into 2013. However more significantly, in 2013 I met an attractive female singer through a musicians networking site, who happened to live a ten minute walk away from me, and after initially meeting in June 2013, we performed our first live, paid gig in a pub in August, and continued to do more gigs in different venues, for the next five years, and this opened up a whole new social life for me. Things have largely dried up on this front, we may or may not do more music together in future, but its been a fantastic experience.

In 2017, when things were drying up on the music front, I decided to step out of my comfort zone and take up salsa dancing, which I enjoy very much to this day. I wouldn't say I made many close friends salsa dancing - its not an easy environment to get to know people that well as people are there to dance not talk - however it is added enormous value to my life in terms of acquiring the skill that allows you to go to salsa events confidently and thus opens up a new social world, and you get to interact with women, some very attractive ones I might add. 

I was really getting into salsa and had a few other social outlets in 2019 and then...oh no, 2020 happened. The lockdown in the spring of 2020 was some of my worst nightmares come true, and took me back to the sad place I was in in the early 2000s when I had no friends, except this time there wasn't any potential to forge friendships. Because everyone was scared, either of catching the virus, or of being caught by the police. I couldn't even ask someone to meet for a cup of tea without being called something nasty!

Now if I had seen some tangible, verifiable and robust scientific justification for the lockdown, and real evidence that normal human interactions between healthy people were now somehow going to kill people, and that this lockdown was for a strictly limited period of no more than a couple of months - after which we go back to normal with NO restrictions of any kind...I would have been OK with it. However I did my research and found no such evidence that lockdown was justified, yet massive evidence that we were experiencing grand scale fraud driven by people with vested interests...in which case, if there is no clear scientific justification for putting us into lockdown, how can we ever trust the government to give us the scientific justification to get us out of lockdown?

However, against all the odds, I made more friends than ever before in 2020. I connected with others online who thought exactly like me, and we started meeting in parks, against the guidance. It was indeed quite easy for those of us who disagreed with the prevailing narrative to make friends, as we all felt isolated, lost friends and were desperate for like minded connections.

Time to find a girlfriend

However as I stated at the start of this post, while my friendship circles have increased significantly, this has not automatically translated into me finding a girlfriend. However I have a very good friend who I met through the lockdown period who is very good on this front, we discuss this regularly. 

I feel that now I have hit 40, its time to really focus on finding a special lady, and going on more dates in the meantime. It's been getting to me lately, however I thought I would use this annonymous blog to document my thoughts on this and my journey.

Review of an Organised Social and Approching More Girls

Last night I went to an organised social, the first for several months now. Everyone there was between 18 and 29, with an equal mix of men and women. I only decided to go on the day. Having not been to any social like this for sometime, and after having had a new haircut, with a more fashionable style, I just couldn't face staying in on my own again.

The place was very busy when I arrived but I settled in quite nicely. It was mainly the men who were there at first, the girls seemed to arrive all at a similar time about 20 minutes later.

One unfortunate dynamic that occured in the first pub was that the girls ended up sitting all round a table, and the guys were standing around mingling beside the other table. I mean I was quite happy to mingle with the guys and as always do my best to be socialable and take an interest in everyone. But what seemed to happen at one point, and I can never pinpoint easily how this happens, is that the guys were split into a couple of groups and I somehow found myself shut out of both conversation. Solution - toilet time!

Back from the toilet things got a bit better as the guys started sitting down on another table. In the meantime I introduced myself and shook hands with the girls, along with some other men there, but the combination of the loud music and the positioning of the girls in a circle made it virtually impossible to have any proper conversation with them.

Soon after though, we moved to another pub. I'd already mentioned to the guys after I came back from the toilet that "I'm not happy with this dynamic, with the girls all around that table and the guys standing around, we need to go somewhere else to break this dynamic!" This did seem like the worst possible dynamic because when your somewhere sitting round a table it doesn't really look noticable if your not really engaged in the conversation, whereas if you are standing up mingling and you're and the converstion of the people closest to you are talking ahead of you, you can look rather like a 'loser.' That said you don't want to be stuck at the same seat all night. You need a mix of standing and mingling and sitting.

As we moved to another pub I managed to interact with the girls more. Prior to the night and on the train journey there I had done my usual brainstorming. This was for both possible topics to disucss, and also conversational techniques and opinion openers to use. I largely feel I succeeded with this.

I had more social success in the second pub. I managed to get sitting on a stall opposite a couple of girls and got them engaged in a conversation, using some of the techniques I have learnt in the past year. I tried out a new opinion opener on them (although I wasn't making a cold approach). Later on I managed even to use an ice-breaker, with one man and one girl, that I actually learned unwittingly from my parents to get a couple of people talking, and to get the conversation to become more interesting. I feel really proud of this moment because I actually managed to lead the conversation for a time. However I may also have unwittingly got those two into some type of 'us' zone, as on the second time round, they both agreed to do it again, and have the loser by a drink. When he suggested this I said I wasn't prepared to play such a game as I didn't have enough cash left, so the two of them did it between them.

Eventually we went into a third pub but by this time the group seemed to be dissembling, probably due to the crowds of people. So I decided at this point I would slip back to the station, but not before going into a favourite pub in the town and making a cold approach with my new opener. I found a couple of girls and a suitable moment to approach them, keeping an eye on my mobile whilst pretending I was recieving a text whilst looking for my window of opportunity. This time I seemed to hit the mark as far as this went. The girls seemed to be engaging with me, one of them even asked me what I do, thus investing something herself into the conversation. Mind you, they said they had to leave by this time. So mixed feeling about this one!

I bumped into a girl I had been speed dating with coming out of that pub. She recognised me, though I did not recognise her. And I managed a fifteen mintue interaction at the train station sitting down in the waiting room. I found an excuse to give that girl my number, though I don't think I liked her enough to want to ask for hers. A man from work was also entering the station and saw me chatting to the girl. She said to him "we only just met." I hope I impressed him somewhat.

Overall I am pleased I was able to put some things I have learnt recently into practice, and perhaps one thing I have learnt is to take a more chilled out approach to approaching girls. That said I still feel I have some social deficiency that I cannot quite pinpoint, but that seems to prevent me from actually making real friendships and bonding with people, particularly women. I hope to continue practicing doing these kinds of interactions.

Being Secure in Your Insecurities: A Challenge for 2012

A couple of months ago, I was definitely feeling like I was quite poorly grounded, and this was showing itself somewhat in my Facebook status's. The reason was to do with my uncertainties. For a start I am studying accountancy in my spare time but I really don't know when and how I'll be able to get a job in that type of work. Also socially I'm feeling somewhat poorly grounded. Of course there's always organised socials but that is very much an artifical context, and what I am lacking is any kind of close group of mutual friends of both sexes and my age range that I can hang out with, and get to know girls through. Sometimes it looks like something is about to take off that will change that, but all too often those thing don't materialise due to other people's circumstances. It means it's hard to know from one week to the next, or one month to the next, what social opportunities there may be. I have a number of friends that meet up with me for a cup of tea or something, but thats mainly older single guys, and all too often on my Saturday evenings I'm left with a choice of a social in an artificial context or being on my own.

I feel quite insecure about the fact that I am always seeking out new people. I don't really want to have that identity. At the same time I am very much a political person and an 'issues' man. My interests are quite specialist in a way and not everyone wants to talk about them. Politics by nature is something that divides people rather than unites them. So I feel awkward about on the one hand being political, into my own interests and views etc, and yet also feeling insecure socially and wanting to make new friends, regardless, really of their opinions on everything.

Being socially in need is not an identity that I really want, yet I am socially in need and don't want to be on my own, without opportunities to meet women.

To add to the mix, there are things that make me worried, and things that make me angry.

I am very much aware of that fact that a man who is well grounded and secure in his identity is far more attractive to women than one who poorly grounded. And I definitely want to be well-grounded, but how is that possible when life is full of uncertainties?

Being Secure in Your Insecurities

I think that over the past year, I have steadily learnt from one of my closest friends how to be secure in your insecurites. My friend has been through a divorce this past year, and the issues around visiting his son whilst going through the divorce. On top of that he is living with another couple and isn't likely to ever to be able to afford to buy his own property.

My friend has uncertainties and issues. But he is very much an alpha male. He comes across as well-grounded despite his issues. He is very much a leader of men. Other men, including myself will call him when they have a problem, and he is very good at helping guys get out of their rut, who probably otherwise would not have any way of breaking out and fulfilling their potential.

I meet with this guy and a group of other guys every few weeks. One thing I have identified about my friend is that he is secure in his insecurities. This is something I hope to become this year.

Usually as I start a new year I will begin with a degree of optimism as I determine to make a fresh start, hoping all my problems with go away and brainstorming how to expand my social circule. However, most people have some kind of issue which won't disappear overnight. As I've thought about this, it seems that in order to be secure in your insecurities, you need to first know yourself well and know exactly what your insecurities are, and to in a sense, contain them all into separate boxes.

If its an uncertainty about your social life, then its good to identify what your issue is, and what it is you all looking and hoping for. If it is a struggle with your identity or who you are as an individual, it is good to be able to pinpoint what is causing you to be insecure. If it is about an ongoing worry or anger issue, it is good to be able to pinpoint precisely what it is you are worried or angry about, identifying the issue. Put the issue in a box, so it doesn't get out of hand.

It may not always be possible to eliminate a certain problem entirely, however there should always be ways to manage the problem to avoid it escalating and getting out of control. Identifying the problem is the first step to tackling the issue, because by identifying it you made it seem smaller - it's not as big as you first think it is. And it then enables you to go and talk to someone about the problem and seek the precise help you need.

Often when a person is in a panic or in a fit of rage, much of the reason for this is because something has just occurred that has put that person into 'shock' mode, and there hasn't been time for that person to digest the issue they're worried about, so the problem seems a lot bigger than it is. Once the person has had time to compose themself and break down the issue and identify what aspect is causing worry, anger, stress etc, they are far better equipped to address the issue.

A soldier, full of energy, will be far more effective when he can pinpoint who his specific enermy is and target them, than when he faced with his opposing enermy territory that is too much to handle, and find himself in a panic about it and not know which part of enermy territory he should target.

Its the same principle with dealing with personal problems. Identify the insecurity, then try to be comfortable with this insecurity, knowing that is part of who you are, and then with a clear understanding of the problem, work on addressing the problem. That's what I call being secure in your insecuritites.

The Right Way to Address Another Persons Negative Behavioral Traits

A very minor incident that happened today reminded me and helped me to clarify in my mind something I've been thinking about lately, to do with dealing with bad behavior, or negative behavioral traits, that may occur in people with Aspergers, but also applies to neuro-typicals.

I know a man who is in many ways very helpful, but has a number of undesirable traits that he seems to be somewhat aware of himself. Those traits are firstly, that he can quckly change his tone from being friendly to being somewhat aggresive, after something he sees that irritates him, and secondly, he is easily able to see the negatives in people, and can find a bone to pick with anyone he knows.

On several occasions, he has had to point out to me a few technical mistakes I make occasionally, sometimes when he has seen a pattern. These are not fatal errors or especially numerous ones, but the type that everyone will make from time to time. He has often accused me, when pointing out these errors, of sighing and groaning at him or over-reacting or even taking offence at them, and has said he finds it 'rude.' He's accused me of trying to pass the blame onto another person. This is led to us almost falling out once or twice.

Now when someone tells me I've done something wrong or made a mistake. that's bad news. It doesn't really matter who the messenger is, although how the messager delivers may impact my impression of the seriousness of the error. But it's bad news because I want to get things right, I want to be regarded as competant, I want to progress in life an in my career, and anything that says I'm not up to standard is bad news. How do we normally react to bad news? With a sigh or a groan. That's our natural reaction!

So you've just had a tickling off over a basic mistake, perhaps some errors in a spreadsheet or walking too fast, you naturally sigh and groan, the the same person moans at you for a sigh or a groan and tells you you're being rude, then guess what - you have compounded the problem. You are now faced with two pieces of bad news - you've made an error and your behavior is sub-standard and rude. What's you naturally reaction? An even bigger sigh, and on, and on. It can go round in circles.

Now this type of situation happens all the time. It happens in schools when a telling off over a sub-standard homework assignment is followed by a a telling off over a bad reaction to the teacher's displeasure. At least that's how I see it.

Now my question is, do we learn better when we are in a good mood or a bad mood? Sometimes it appears the only times we're taught how to 'behave' is by being told off when we get it wrong. As autistic speaker Ros Blackburn has said, there is a difference between being told how to behave, and being told off about how you behave. I would like to suggest that after facing a rebuke on two different accounts, it is a bit much to expect one to walk back to their desk with a happy smile on their face!

It is important that we distinguish between what is 'rude' and what is a natural reaction to bad news. I strongly object to the charge of 'rudeness' simply because I'm displaying my natural reaction, and the fact I happen to have a nervous and reactionary disposition and a tendency to panic. One must be careful in their use of words. If we say 'it may appear rude' is better than 'that's rude' it helps to shows we recognise that they are not being malicious.

The main point I wish to make is this. If someone, after facing a ticking off over one thing, is reacting badly, and has a behavioral trait that needs to be addressed for whatever reason, the time to address it is not when that person is being told off for another misnomer. No, the time to address such traits is when a more calm, controlled and positive situation arises, such as their annual review, which will most likely begin with a few 'well dones.' If more urgent, organise a one-to-one meeting several hours or days later when that person is in a good mood, and at that kind of meeting start off with something positive, and just gently mention the negative trait or issue that needs addressing, and explain calmly how that person needs to be aware how their behavior is impacting others. That way, it will also help ensure that what you are saying is accurate depiction of the person's behavior and not a 'reaction' to it. A few positives will assure them that their misnomers do not make them incompetent or a failier, and that in itself will mean that they will be less likely to react badly when the next one is brought to their attention.

In short, don't bombard you child, pupil or work colleague with more than one rebuke at once. Address behavior when that person is in a good mood in a planned and organised setting, and do it all carefully and sensitively.

Social Shields and Avoiding Awkward Conversations

For as long as I can remember, I have adopted various 'social shields' as a way to get out of an awkward conversation. By awkward conversations I am talking about when someone asks me a question about an issue that I wish to keep private, not because of any kind of bad behavior I've done, but when it relates to a matter of personal preferences that for some hard to explain reason is a sensitive issue for me - often because there is some kind of pre-concieved image tied into my preference whichever way that I am embarrased to associate myself with. My main social shields used to be my watch, and being concerned about time keeping, and needing the toilet. These days, it tends to be my mobile, and its use is not in such obvious situations as it used to be, as I am better prepared and able to handle more questions.

One thing I am sensitive to is knowing what personal things certain people know about me and what I keep private from them. Now sometimes I may have very mixed feelings about whether I want to tell someone I know, such as a work colleague, certain things about my life, preferences and beliefs. On the one hand if I do tell them, it will open myself up to some more interesting conversations and enable me to discuss things that I definitely do want to talk about, but won't make much sense unless I explain the sensitive issue first. On the other hand, revealing the sensitive issue has the potential to give rise to more awkward questions and conversations with that person, and there may be future occassions when I may be concerned as to what that person is thinking about me when a certain situation arises (i.e. if you tell someone you fancy a certain girl and then three months later you're all out together, that's just one general example of the sort of thing I mean). On the basis that you cannot undo information you have given to someone, I generally play safe, and if telling that person something about me is just going to make life harder, I just choose avoid to avoid that topic.

What makes life very difficult, is when someone, whilst not necessarily asking you direct, tries to engage you in a conversation about something that just so happens to be a sensitive issue for you. Sometimes the conversation will start on a 'safe' subject, and then in a way that cannot possibly be anticipated, the other person veers the conversation off into what happens to be your senstive area. Sometimes they may feel very strongly about an issue, and I strongly disagree with them, and they try to engage me into a topic, and when this happens, the only form of defense I can use is to pretend to be having to concentrate on whatever I'm doing a bit more, or look at the clock. If I express my views on the matter, I feel it could lead to a whole host of awkward questions, and potentially awkward situations in future - so it is safer just to keep the whole subject private.

When it comes to how open I am on a certain issue, I am often wanting to be all or nothing with people. Either that person knows the full story, or much of it when it comes to my views or preferences on this subject, with all the whys and that, or I just keep quiet about it. Because that person only knowing half the story is likely to make me feel most uncomfortable and leave me wondering what that person is thinking. Besides 'coming out' as such (I'm not gay) on a subejct and explaining everything at once provides a necessary shield against potential awkward questions that may arise in due course. Its like answering them all in advance so you don't have to face them unexpectedly later.

What If They Find Out Through A Third Party

Unfortantly, a recent incident occured by which I appear to have discovered, that a certain person does know after all something about me that I intended to keep private. I have a number of ideas about how that person may have found out. This is surprising in a way, in view of the way they had been talking to me about this subject. I have to say I have absolutely no respect for someone who knows your secrets, and then tries to engage you with a conversation topic you haven't opened up about to try to get you t reveal more, when revealing with could make life more difficult in future. Now the issue I wish to address is: How do you deal with this type of issue with a person with aspergers?

In short I would say, when a person has found something out about another, and has become apparent to both parties, that really that person would rather not have had them know, but its out there now anyway, the best way is to try and reveal in gently, away from others, that you happen to know this, and give the person time to ask questions about what they know and explain their position, and 'come out and reveal all.' Basically revealling everything necessary to avoid awkward conversations in future. Give the person time and space to adjust to the fact you knew about this issue, and if necessary allow them time out to wander and think it through.

I am of course beig very vague in this post, this is necessary to protect my own and other people's identities among those I know. How exactly one will deal with this will vary upon the individual situation. But I hope readers will understand the general principles here, in terms of why some issues will want to be kept private, and have to sensitively tackle a sensitive issue with someone, especially one with aspergers, when unwanted things have become revealled. 

The Problems of Understanding Jokes

At work, one person recieved a present at the Secret Santa that had a joke attached to it. I cannot elaborate online, for the sake of people's identities. Nevertheless, this incident has helped me to explain better the two-fold difficulty of understanding jokes.

This incident helps me to explain that there is often not a one but a two-fold difficulty for someone with Aspergers to understand a joke. The first difficulty is to do with the fact the Aspergers people tend not be broad and balanced thinkers and do not have a wide general knowledge. They tend to instead go much deeper into their own favourite subject, looking into the tiny details, which can make life lonely as there is no-one who will engage with their distinct interests. It also means that whilst they may appear highly intelligent when discussing a favourite subject, they will also lack a lot of more foundational knowledge, some of which is rarely taught and expected to 'picked-up' such as many innuendos, and as a result some situation may make an Asperger's person appear 'stupid.' Often jokes are based around some assumed piece of common knowledge. If you don't have that piece of knowledge you have no chance of getting it.

The second difficulty is to do with the fact that jokes involve connecting two or more unconnected dots in the back of your mind all within an instant. Now recently I have watched a bit comedy and paid some attention to the structure of jokes I have heard. By chance I even thought of one, albeit a crude and possibly offensive one, but I found it funny, and I'll explain those dots that need connecting. Here's the joke in the format of a conversation between a mother and son.

Son. "Oh I can't stand being overweight many more, I've really got to something to lose weight."

Mother. "Well if join the Army you'll be losing large chunks off your weight when your on the front-line in Afrghanistan"

Perhaps this is both a bad constucted joke and a potentially hurtful one for wounded ex-servicemen and their families, so I apologise if I caused any offence. The joke is that if you get deployed to Afghanistan you may lose weight, by having your legs and arms blown by hitting hit by an IED. You'll lose weight but in all the wrong places!

The thing is to get such a joke you have to both be aware of what is happening in Afghanistan and then quickly remember this and connect the loss of limbs to weight loss. You have to mentally jump over a bridge in order to make sense.

Another issue with jokes is that the answer is not always logical. Here's an example of a joke that I was told has been popular recently.

Q. What is the Capital of France?

A. £2.50.

The joke is based upon the word Capital, and the answer is in relation to the current economic crisis in the eurozone. But why pick £2.50? Why not £1.50, or £3.50 - they're all small amounts of money? This is what I mean by the answer not being logical. Any small figure would do, and there's no logical reason to pick any particular number - unless one can improve upon it of course.

With all these complications in jokes I find it incredible that at least 95% of people regularly get them, and someone like myself, who is quite intelligent (at least I give off that impression) and academic, dosen't. Its like walking into a party - one of the most complicated things for the human brain to deal with, and yet somehow everyone is expected to be able to do it confidently or else look like a 'loser.'

I Just Cannot Trigger Attraction. Is There Any Way I Can Bypass This Phase?

I sometimes think that the more I read or hear about the things that attract women, the more I realise that my whole persona is one that is simply not geared towards it. I have heard it said that the three key qualitites that attract women are, firstly benig supposedly 'pre-selected' by other women, secondly, being a leader of men, and thirdly, a protector or loved ones. I am by nature none of those things. I do have many good qualities - I am well organised, hard-working, mature, loyal, reliable and independent, I managed to get a a mortgage at age 21, but none of those characteristics triggers a woman's attraction switches. The things that cause a woman's attraction are my weak areas. I have been feeling that I really need something tantermuont to an arranged marriage, because it would enable me to find a relationship with a girl who would appreciate the qualities I do have whilst bypassing the attraction phase.

That said, I am working hard to develop those areas that trigger a girl's attraction. I try to use stories about things I've done which may demonstrate an element of those attraction qualities, and can hopefully sub-communite that I have those things. I often find that when I am at home I brainstorm the various natural conversational techniques I have learnt that can help to improve my communication with women, but when I am actually in a social situation talking to a girl I find myself forgetting much of it

A good case in point would be this past Thursday. It was my uncle's birthday and he was hosting drinks at a local pub. I decided I would come along. I didn't know who would be there, though I suspected there would be people I knew present. Now whenever I find myself arriving at an organised social or walking into a party, I cannot help but appear a little apprehensive, for the simple reason that I don't know exactly what the logistics will be like on arrival. Who's going to be there? Will they be standing, mingling around or sitting in a circle round the table? Who will be the first person I know who will spot me arriving? These were all uncertainties I had on Thursday. Now I wasn't worried about any of these things, I was actually very relaxed about it all. Nevertheless, when I walked into the pub, these were the things I was looking for when looking to see my uncle and his friends. So I entered in, turned round the corner and sure enough I saw my uncle and some friends sitting around a table. I then had to spend a minute or so digesting the situation - OK, so this person's here, that person's here, is that so-and-so? are these people part of the group? All these little things. Whilst I am digesting the situation, trying to say Hello to people, an attractive girl who was in the group who I'd met a few times before said Hello to be, and said "are you OK?" or something of that nature and I said "yes, I'm justy taking a minute to digest this, see who's here" or words to that effect. The point is, in having to digest the situation, it seems that I cannot help but display slightly uncomfortable body language, which can be misinterpreted. I wish I could go up confidently to everyone and say 'Hi' making good eye contact, but I just can't do that in this type of situation.

Now as I chatted to the girl I mentioned and to other people, I did get some things right. I managed to incorporate a few conversational techniques I have learnt which help the interaction, but I often feel frustrated that I can never say anything that will trigger attraction, or make the girls laugh. Girls may think I'm a nice person and consider it a decent conversation but I just cannot create any sparks or make it feel special in any way. And I find myself forgetting so many things that I've learnt and can remember when I am at home on my own.

I wasn't trying to target any patricular person at this social, and I am trying to move away from targeting certain girls and focusing on displaying attractive qualities to everyone. My aim is to be able to come across to everyone as confident and socially attractive and for girls to be able to look upon me as potential boyfriend material rather than I guy who lacks a bit of confidence and may need a bit of a boost.

How does one find a relationship if they cannot display such characteristics, or appear nervous? I think of certain older married men who display a shy, retiring, personality, and think "How Ever Did They Find Their Wives!?"  It seems strange to me how the majority of men are able to find relationships and can trigger attraction with at least one woman and have an interaction that is more than just a 'nice conversation.' It leads me to the question sometimes - is there such a way I can find a relationship with a girl that would bypass the attraction phase?

Speed Dating

Last night I went out speed dating. There were fourteen girls there and I spent about three minutes chatting to each one. Prior to speed dating I had an hour's coaching with Alan who runs the attraction academy I've been involved with. I had previously brainstormed a few ideas for how to approach the dates, one who the use of assumption stacking rather than just questions, and a list of a few things I should say about myself and subjects that may be useful to discuss.

I arrived at the venue with another guy from the academy, we were directed to the room where speed dating was going to take place. It felt slightly awkward seeing the girls around who you knew you would be speed dating with in a few mniutes, so I tried to make a good impression by chatting to my friend from the academy and a few other guys around. One guy who was new to the town I spoke to was very helpful, in that my conversation with him enabled me to practice takling to the girls.

So speed dating commenced and it started off fairly smoothly. Having not done this before I did not know what to expect from the girls, or how they might want me to approach the conversation. I found early on that the girls were going into 'interviewer' mode with me, they all asked me basic things like 'what do you do?' etc, and I tried to give an attractive answer. On the one hand this made things a bit easier as it wasn't me doing all the work, but at the same time it makes it harder for me to stimulate a more fun and attraction-building conversation, when a q&a frame is being set. It was a contrast in some way to the ways girls respond when you approach them cold in pubs and bars.

I tried assumption stacking and second guessing things about them, as this is something I was trained to do in attraction coaching, but also asked questions. I don't think I quite managed to build a deeper connection with anyone or create any solid attraction. It is frustrating because when you're actually interacting with girls you forget much of what you've been taught.

One embarrasing thing though. I realised later that I had accidently used the girls toilets, with their not being clear signposts at the club and thinking that they were unisex. Over the break I went into a cubicle and could hear the girls talking abuot the guys they interacted with, and I fear that someone may I have said something negative about something I said to them. Oh dear!

There was also a moment when there was a bit of a mix up with the order of girls I should be dating - apparently that's quite normal.

One thing that was trickly was trying to hold a conversation which creates attraction whilst handling the practical matter of writing each girl's name and number down on our cards and making sure I get it right.

Well I am really hoping I will have some new contacts after this. I definitely want to do it again soon, and next time I will be much better prepared, because I will know the place, know the set-up, know the way that girls approach each interaction (interviewing), knowing in practice the length of time I have with each girl, and thus I will be in a better position to prepare myself better for the occassion.

Interacting in the Classroom

Having spent year and plus one half-term so far taking an evening class in accounting at college, I have began to pinpoint some observations about classroom interactions, that felt really noticable this week.

We're currently preparing for the first exam for this course, and on Monday's tutorial the tutor gave every student a practice paper to work on in class, that we could do using our books and notes to help and being allowed to discuss the questions with fellow students.

What I noticed particularly on Monday, although I've been noticing this generally since I began studying is how much my fellow students socialise by conferring and discussing the work during the tutorial, and how much they like to compare answers or exchange knowledge from each other when doing excersizes in class. I noticed this particularly on Monday as the tutorial was orientated towards doing a practice exam paper.

Usually, some of the students will ask me "is this right?," or "have you got this?"... during class, and I apperciate that because it shows they must have some regard for me. I always try and help when they ask, and sometimes I feel I do hit the mark by sharing knowledge correctly and interacting well. However, quite often someone might ask about question 2.2b, and I have to say "sorry I haven't read it through yet."  It often takes three reads to really understand the question and focus on it properly. But yes, I try hard to fit in with their way of learning.

Now I consider it perfectly natural to want to discuss the work and share ideas about it, with perhaps a bit of conferrnig outside the tutorial. However what seems bizarre and illogical to me is the extent to which fellow student do this. Considering that all the accountancy exams have to be taken alone, and considering that there are clear notes, explanations, and answers available in the textbooks, which the tutor is able to clarify where necessary, why do students spend so much time conferring with each other on questions, rather than just quietly get on with the work and refer their textbooks for help? Why go to an still-learning student for help who is at the same level as you and has a 50% chance of getting the answer right, when there's a textbook in front of you that is 100% correct?

It just doesn't make sense!

They Think I Should Be the Class Rep But Cannot I Fit in Conversationally?

Well I completed a certificate in basic accounting last year, and in September I went back to college to do another year's study which will hoepfully lead me to get a diploma.
Many of the students on my course this year are the same ones  was with last year, although there are several new students. I have always made a point of trying to be socialable at college, and the main time for socialising is the mid-tutorial break in th refrectory. However, whilst I am sure no-one dislikes me, and people are reasonably friendly, I cannot help feel that I often a fish out of water when handing around with fellow students, and its been hard to pinpoint exactly why. However I feel the penny dropped at my last tutorial yestarday. What I've noticed at college often applies to other social situations.

I am by nature a very formalised individual. If I'm ever walking from one place to another with a group of people, particularly young people, I simply don't fit in with their very casual form of conversation. Sometimes whilst others engage in a casual, jokey chit-chat whilst ambling along the street, I may find myself having a slightly more serious or straight-forward conversation with one of the quieter people. This may be why I've often found I got on better with more middle-aged people than my own generation.

It is this casual, jokey type of chit-chat and banter that I find I cannot fit in with at college. I may be sitting in a circle with fellow students or walking to or from refrectory. Yestarday for instance, I was walking with a group of lads to refrectory, and one of them was joking about someone who thought it would snow next week, as a few long-range forecasts had predicted, and that he'd put a bet on that it wouldn't snow, and they were al saying in the casual kind of way "its not gonna snow." (In my area you get an average of one day per winter with a light covernig of snow - its vitrually unheard of in October!) I attempted to but in and contribute to the discussion by referring to a long-range weather forecaster Piers Corbyn, who critiqued the newspaper reports predicting snow. However, as I preceeded to make my contribution, I seemed to be locked out and overshadowed by the discussion, despite the fact I had relevent factual information to share.

It seems like that one incident is symptomic of my difficulties socially at college and elsewhere. For me, it feels like I am having to pander a lower and less intelligent form of discussion in order to win friendship.

I find this a very frustrating issue, because I consider it be far more virtuous to be genuine, factual and honest in conversation, than to have to dumb down your language and any relevent knowledge and intelligence.

Being Appointed as Class Rep

At the end of the tutorial the tutor announced that we needed to appoint one person to be the class representative on the college's student forum, which would involve occasional, optional meetings and possibly the odd free lunch. The tutor left the room for about two minutes to allow us all to confer.

Immediately after he left I spoke out to the class and said "hands up anyone who's relevatively free during the daytime." As everyone works in the daytime, no one raised their hand. Then another student proposed to nominate me, and then said "hands up who wants to appoint ...." Then every student raised their hands. They obviously see something good in me, so I left college with a good feeling.

It just goes to show that some of us who may be weak in mingling socially can excel with offered a platform to speak and announce publically. I'm glad I was able to demonstrate that confidence and an element of leadership last night.

A Brief Update and a Highly Complex Story of that Saturday

Just because this blog has been very quiet for three months now does not mean that I've finished socialising.Quite the contrary. Since getting involved in the social attraction 'academy' I've been out on many Friday ro Saturday nights with other guys from the adademy, including a few workshops with the coach, and in the process of these and a various other socials I've approached about 100 girls/groups of girls within the past few months. I've learnt a bit about how to approach well, natural conversation techniques, storytelling and body language. So much has happened that I just haven't had the time to explain and clarify it all. However some events have occured recently that I really cannot keep to myself.

Last Saturday Night

I was out last Saturday night with a guy frmo the academy. We practiced some of the conversational techniques we'd learnt first, then approach several groups of girls, and then the following happened. Below is a revised extract of an email report I sent to the coach. Read on its a fascinating story:

We went to the cocktail place, and I started to feel irritated because I witnessed what appeared to be an approach by a couple of guys to two girls at a table. They were good looking and seemed to be doing it better than us so I was feeling a bit annoyed, but I decided after we had a drink and doing a couple of other approaches, to approach one of the guys in the group and simply ask him about how he approaches or ask the girl about it. This altered the course of the night. The men had high energy levels and using a lot of jokes and banter. After I approached the group the guy said he thought he'd seen me on TV (i've never been on TV) and thought I may have a hidden camera with me . He also offered to help me make approaches promising me a number every week (I didn't take it up). During the interaction one of the guys took a photo with me in there with the girl and also lifted me up by the legs! The girl was much more genuine and very friendly and level-headed, she asked me about my job etc. I told her where I worked and my studies etc, and that I started a business doing talks on diability issues. She did flirt with me somewhat but was flrting with others too. Later I mentioned I had Aspergers, and she replied my saynig that I seemed perfectly normal and would never have guessed. Basically it was a wierd mix of this group trying to teach me about interacting with girls and then thinking I was filming for BBC3 etc. All this time it was quite easy for me because everyone else was investing in the interaction with me so I didn't have to say or do much. Now as I got in there, the guy I was with left to go to another place, so I had one eye on trying not to lose him. So after about 10-15 minutes with those guys I said goodbye, went out and called the other guy, however as he couldn't get into pub he was going into, I suggested he come back to the cocktail place. So I walked back there and he met me there and I introduced him to the group. He had to leave soon after but as things were going well I stayed on, and the girl asked me (seriously) if I'd come along to a nightclub with them, I just had to say yes.

As we were walking to the cluib it felt like the girl was very genuine and perhaps trying to look after me a bit, the guys were acting silly, she was kind of saying "don't take notice of him" and it felt like the main guy might have been taking me on for a ride (i'm used to that) but the girl was totally genuine. When I got to the club, the other guys went in but the security man wouldn't let me in without ID. However the girl came to my rescue and opened the door and insisted they let me in. I stayed there about half an hour, although I felt a bit lost there as everyone seemed to know loads of people among the crowds - doing approaches in clubs is a completely different ballgame! Nevertheless when the girl seemed to walways make sure I was alright.

Way Home

As I left to go to the bus stop for the night bus, I was approached by two teenage girls if I could lend them my phone as they had no credit. She said I could hold her bag whilst she phones so she won't run off. Initially I lent it to them but as there was no signal they gave it back. I witnessed them being approached by a coloured guy a few mniutes later, and I asked the coloured guy something related, just out of interest.

Now the girls came back to me as I sat down at the bus stop where they appeared to be waiting, and started making a mockery of me, negative assumption stacking about my lack of relationships, which frighteningly for two completely immature girls (they seriously did not look old enough to be out) was largely correct. It just seems sometimes I always invariable portray an image of low social status. I basically acted like I was better than them, and in other words told them they needed to grow up and explanied a bit about Asperger's Syndrome and that they ought to appreciate the fact some peolpe simply struggle socially just like some struggle physically and mentally, which they didn't seem to understand. There were making a mockery of me but they were giving me attention, and then one of them asked again if she could borrow my phone. I said no at first, because I've been mugged in the past and from experience I couldn't trust them. She insisted I could hold her blackberry, so after pestering me a bit I gave in and let them call their Mum on my phone. However, she didn't give me her blackberry and after calling they walked away with my phone. When I challenged them they both denied they had it, abnd then walked off, and basically I couldn't get hold of it.

Its pay as you go so its no emergency as such, but nevertheless I called the police immediately when I got home, and called to get it immobilsed.

Needless to say, I proceeded to tell this story to friends and a couple of girls I approached at the bus stop the following day.

The Last Three Saturday Nights

In the past three Saturday nights since I went to the workshop on social attraction discussed in the previous post, I have continued to go out with a number of other guys from the 'academy' and attempt to approach girls. On the first Saturday, Alan was hosting another taster workshop, which I was invited to come as a guest for free, and six of us who were there, including the guy I was on the previous workshop with went out. What was also interesting was that two of the other two guys there I knew from organised socials!

During the past three Saturdays, I discovered that going out and approaching women was much harder without Alan being there. That said, on the first night I did manage to approach around eight or nine girls or groups of girls, which was more than anyone else there. There were four of us out, and two of them only made only approach to a couple of girls, although that lasted about 45 minutes.

On the second Saturday, only myself and one other guy went out. I was in a very positive mood to start the evening, and had prior to the evening done a brainstorm of techniques and conversation ideas. One of them was for both of us to make separate approaches early on in the evening and then we all meet up after 5 minutes. Unfortunately, that plan didn't quite work out. That night, there seemed to be a shortage of suitable sets to approach in the first bar. We then decided to go out to find a better place, but a number of places seemed to be unusually quiet that night. We even walked into one bar, but looking at both the ads on the wall and the way the bar attendees were dressed, I thought this might be a gay bar, so I decided that we'd better not stay here, before we ordered drinks. Much of that evening was spent wondering around looking for suitable places, getting more tired and downcast along the way.

Last weekend was much better, there were three of us, which was considerable easier than having just two. It was the myself, the guy I was out with the previous week and another man from the academy, one of the organised socials guys. I probably made about 10 approaches. I consciously made the effort to approach a couple of girls first thing we arrived before buying drinks. We later bumped into a couple of girls we had met two weeks ago. And later on in the night I approached three girls who remembered me from school. I didn't recognise them but they recognised me.

I have approached a number of girls during the daytime in other situations recently too.

I'm Getting Personal Coaching

I have decided to opt for a month of online coaching, with Alan, who runs the academy. I intend to email him everyday to tell him what I have been up to socially and we'll discuss ways to improve and build upon interactions. I don't know how much it will help but I decided it's time to give it a go. Today I took my final exam for a course I am doing, so this is the perfect window of opportunity to work on my social abilities and learn to get good with women.

I intend to post at least my side of our email correspondence on this blog. I hope I am wrong but I'm starting to feel this blog is getting a bit more boring lately. I certainly haven't reported on everything I have done socially or been prompt in it, but hopefully that will start to change.

Report of a Social Attraction Workshop

My last post referred to some help I was looking into regarding social and relationship issues Well this past Saturday I went along to one of the so-called 'boot-camps' that the guy I referred to runs. I say so-called because it is completely opposite to what most people would consider a boot-camp (young thugs being kicked and marched about by a drill sargeants etc) and indeed, when I mentioned to Alan, the guy who runs these, that the word bootcamp did not sound very appealing and suggesting workshop would be more appropriate, he took my suggestion on board.

Anyway, the workshop took place from six till nearly midnight in the city centre. It was just me and one other guy, who I had met in the previous workshop, and Alan. The first couple of hours were spent talking things through and preparing in a nice cafe. The plan for the evening was to go out to several bars between eight and midnight and approach and chat to girls. Exactly where and how we would go about this was very much open-ended, depending on what we wanted (so hardly a bootcamp!)

During the first hour I was feeling a little uneasy for two reasons. Firstly Alan made a few suggestions about how we might approach girls in the bar or attract their attention, ideas that didn't sound entirely comfortable to me. At around the same time as this I hurt myaw on a piece of cake. I had almost recovered from an aching jaw following a filling, and by biting a rather heavy piece of chocolate cake I did the equilivent of twisting my back but in my jaw. The teeth were fine, however I had to briefly excuse myself to go to the toilet to see if I could see what had happened, and go outside and phone Dad to see if he had any ideas about it, as I cannot remember this happening to me before. At this stage of the evening I was feeling somewhat apprehensive, concerned about my jaw and not in the mood for socialising. What perhaps made it harder was that I tend to panic in these kinds of moments, yet this was a lesson in social attraction, so I was trying to give a good impression during this moment of adversity - it wouldn't have been such an issue in an accountancy lesson!

However after calling Dad, I went back in and started to get back on track. I'm proud to say that Alan really liked my opinion opener I could use to approach girls. Before we hit the bars, Alan went through a process called anchoring with me. Anchoring is a concept in neuro-linguistic programming, by which one can get into the right frame of mind for a particular situation within a few minutes. Alan, being trainined in NLP found an anchor that would work for me. We found an empty space downstairs to do this and it took about five mintues. I fwlt a little weary of this and cautious if this would involve being subjected to some kind of mind-control, but the process seemed fine for me and seemed to work even though I did not feel anything during the anchoring process. During the anchoring process I used to nearby leather seatee to reinact a social situation I wanted to be in that night, I wasn't told to do this but I just did it to help myself prepare.

Around 8:15pm we went into a nearby bar. Once we'd arrived Alan suggested I go and walk up towards the stairs and approach a girl along the way, with Alan going to the upstairs part of the bar. I managed to aproach a couple of girls who had just walked down the stairs before I was about to walk up, and gave them my opinion opener. It was a successful approach, we chatted for about five minutes and they even asked me my name. We walked towards the bar area together and I introdued them to the other guy I was with, who has a little more experience with me, having been on a previous similar workshop. We continued to talk with them later on into the night.

In the meantime, I walked upstairs and tried several more approaches. Alan told me during the night that I was doing a good job - I was certainly able to approach girls boldly with confidence, but I made my mistakes and not everything went perfectly. Alan met a couple of friends he knew at the bar too, one being a girl, and they helped us along too. It soon became difficult keeping the energy levels up, as I do get tired easily in social situations - Asperger's means the brain has to work harder.

At around 10:30pm we headed off to another place, that was busier and louder, and far more difficult for approaching girls. There were numerous hen parties, and large groups of women sitting around the sofas. Myself and the other guy approached a few women, and found a few windows of opportunities. It was hard, but as Alan said "this is where you learn." I also began to get my energy levels back here. At around 11:20pm, the other guy I was with sat down on the sofa and decided to call it a day, whilst I persevered for a bit longer. At around 11:30 we both left to go to the station - he got the train eastwards to his place, I got the train westwoods to my place.

It was a really fun night. Great to be able to approach girls with other people doing it, with support, and it was great being able to experiment somewhat with different types of approaches, putting the social skills I've learnt into practice. All being well I'll be doing it again this coming weekend.