Why I Ocassionaly Visit an Escort - Yet Never Slept with One

For as long as I can remember, I have had a very strong desire to touch a girl I am attracted to in sensual way and for many years any type of physical contact with a woman, let alone anything sexual, seemed like an unobtainable fantasy.

As a consequence I have for the past twenty years, as documented throughout this blog made a big effort in the following three areas:

1. Trying to find a girlfriend
2. Trying to make more friends and build a social life that would involve meeting women and increase my chances of finding a girlfriend
3. Developing social attraction

However despite years of efforts, and despite (in the last couple of years especially), managing to go on a few first dates, dressing up, booking a venue, and managing to hold a decent conversation and in some cases even build some connection - the women have for one reason or another not wanted to continue dating me. 

It seems that when women agree to go out on a first date, their default is to think "no" to further dates, unless they feel some sort of spark or connection. My default is to say "yes" (given that I know I'm attracted to them before I ask them out) unless I discover a major disagreement or a red flag, and then I would want to continue meeting and discuss what we both want out of a relationship and see if we can agree to something, and continue dating and become boyfriend and girlfriend unless there is a good reason not to.

However, unless the woman is willing to continue dating me and begin to engage in a more physical relationship, then it would be appear that the only way to get physically intimate with an attractive woman is through hiring a escort.

If someone can suggest an alternative way of doing obtaining physical intimacy (not necessarily sexual but with the potential of it going that way) with an attractive woman without having to form some sort of connection or get her in love with you - then I'd like to know!

Levels of Intimacy

To make things clear, there is a very fine line between the type of intimacy I desperately crave sometimes, and the type that I would be very nervous about - although I would give it a go given the right circumstances, which I've yet to encounter. I'm going to divide this into three levels of physical intimacy:

Level 1: Mild: i.e. Hold hands, brief kisses.
Level 2: Semi-Sexual: Undressing each other, touching for extended periods in a more sensual way including more intimate body parts such as upper thighs and breasts
Level 3: Sexual: Penetrative intercourse and other similar activity such as oral.

At present, I have yet to ever engage, in Level 3 and do not feel entirely comfortable at this level. However I have a very strong desire for Level 2 - at least to be able to have this type of physical contact occasionally - doesn't have to be every week! The bizarre thing is when you visit escort sites the girls are always citing the often weird and extreme Level 3 activities they are willing to engage in with abbreviations - and I have no idea what they're talking about! 

So when I hire and escort I am seeking to spend an hour on Level 2 activity - I'll go as far as a gentle hand-job with any woman I find attractive! However I simply don't feel comfortable doing Level 3 stuff with a woman I don't know and only have an hour to spend with, and without an opportunity to talk through it later. Level 3 for me would at least need to be with a friend, whom I can build things up with on Level 2 first, and if I feel awkward after having done Level 3, we can at least talk about it afterwards and offload our experience.

The desire for self expression:

Physical intimacy is not the only reason I see an escort, though it is the primary one. There is also the mental side of being able to express myself in the way I show affection to a woman, and to talk to a woman about the things that turn me on, the things I might see a woman do that I could get a "kick" out of (That Gary Shearston song is one I definitely relate to). I like to get her to do a little dance, as if she was in a club, and then tell her how cool she looks, I love to find her ticklish spots and hear her laugh, and have her lay on the bed while I caress her whole body and she (hopefully) is able to close her eyes and enjoy the sensation.

One may suggest that this is all fake intimacy - but as with socialising, for me fake friendship and fake intimacy is better than none at all.

The Great Irony

It seems that if you cannot find a girlfriend, or a friend with benefits (which is very difficult as it normally still involves you creating sexual attraction and if you ask a friend for something sexual they might give you a slap!) then the only way to do obtain this type of intimacy with a woman is through hiring an escort.

I find it very ironic that in one sense it is easier to learn to fly a plane, then obtain a willing sexual or semi-sexual partner. Because whereas learning to fly (I would imagine) requires having serious money, time and resources, and knowing the right people, finding a willing sexual or semi-sexual partner requires:

1. No Money
2. No Resources
3. No Skills
4. Limited Time

Moving Forward

I am continuing to search for a girlfriend and will regularly go to singles night, swipe on the apps and take whatever dating opportunities come my way. At the same time I will continue to hire an escort when I see one I like at a convenient time.

However the frustrating thing is not only the financial cost of hiring an escort but the lack of transparency in the process - many of the girls are foreign and their English is limited.

It has occurred to me that there are two key obstacles in being able to obtain this type of intimacy outside of escort services.

1. Market Forces: Any woman that interests me, is going to have several, if not many other men wanting to date her. I, by contract, am not likely to have other women on the go.

2. Exclusivity: I sometimes think my life would be much better if we lived in a society where we simply didn't have exclusive relationships. That dating, romantic and sexual activity was more like going to a dance event, where we constantly share partners.

At a Latin dance event, both men and women will simply dance with whoever they wish to for one song, then move onto another partner for the next. There seems to be no jealousy, and even if you are a beginner dancer or not the best, you will still find people willing to dance with you. Everyone can get a bite of the cherry, so to speak.

The problem is when women are seeking just one boyfriend, a culture of exclusive relationships excludes a good proportion of men from being able to have any type of physical intimacy at all. Because even if you go on dates and they go reasonably well, and they quite like you, you're in competition with so many other men, and the woman has a better option to go with, leaving you with nothing and back to square one.

While I seek out a proper girlfriend, I am trying to think of ways I can find a woman/women women who would be willing to meet up just occasionally (i.e. once a month, once every 2-3 months even) to engage in Level 2 intimacy, with an openness of moving onto Level 3 should we both feel aroused and comfortable. This in theory shouldn't be that difficult what I am seeking requires no money, no resources, no skills and only limited time.

Yet it seems like a very difficult thing to obtain. I think my best bet would be mentioning this issue to a few trusted friends, as to find a third party, who may know some women in or into open relationships, or simply enjoy sex, and would be willing to meet up ocassionaly with an inexperienced man - even if its just out of sympathy. We could have a quick zoom call first, just to check we're comfortable with each other, and then meet at either of our places at a convenient time. 

Don't tell me to go on dating apps or hookup apps - my profile would just get lost in the sea of men! 

As I say this is simply a substitute whilst looking for a permanent girlfriend. 

But it seems so ironic that something so simple, and so natural, is so difficult to obtain.

2008-2023: 15 Years of Dating Efforts and Hard Graft

At the age of 41, and with very little relationship experience, I find myself thinking its my fault as I have not tried hard enough. What motivates me is partly fear of missing out, and the thinking when I get to 70, 60 or even 50 I'll be thinking "why didn't I do something about this when I was younger"

Therefore, so my own benefit mainly, I felt I should document my dating efforts I made over the past 15 years. This is post is my no mean exhaustive. I could not go into every single dating site I've joined, every single message sent, or every single girl I asked out, or every single singles night, speed dating event or social I went to in the hope of finding a girlfriend.

Before 2008

Prior to 2008, I had never asked a girl out because I simply didn't know anyone well enough to do so. My social life consisted of me sharing my parents friends, other middle aged couples, as this had been what was safe, easy and comfortable for me. The only people I knew were those at work, church (I used to go with my parents) and in a small political organisation which was very elderly.

I did join a few dating sites, and placed the odd add in the Personals section of the local newspaper, but to be honest, I was incredibly shy, and was often too by various worries which were leading to a type of OCD.

I did have my eye on a daughter of one of the couples at church, she was at university at this time but would come down occasionally. Whenever she was there, I would try to find a 'window of opportunity' to talk to her over coffee after the service, ask her how her course was going etc, in the hope I could build some sort of connection with her and maybe ask her out. 

2008

I had added this girl as a Facebook friend and discovered in early 2008 she was moving back to my town. By this time her parents had moved to another church, so I suspected she might go there too. So one Sunday I decided to go along on my own to that church. I managed to catch her during coffee after the service, ask her how work was going etc, and then suggested meeting her coffee the following week as I was off work (I wanted to do this in person and not just via facebook). She (reluctantly I feel) agreed and that was my first date. Nothing romantic at all. I tried to make other suggestions afterwards, but she was always busy, and I eventually managed to get a third party friend to ascertain her interest in me at her brothers wedding later that year.

2009

By this time I had moved to a different church which had a 20s group which had become my primary social homebase. There was one particular girl I grew to like there, and one particular evening I felt she might be into me. So I asked her if she'd meet for coffee and she agreed. Again, nothing romantic here. I tried asking her to meet again, she initially agreed, but cancelled. Then a couple of months later, I wrote a little letter was a return envelope asking if she would consider being in a relationship with me. She replied and said no and I was devastated, as I did not know anyone else.

(At this time, I was looking for a Christian wife, as this was what the family expected for me and church was a big part of my life at this time. I did and still do have a faith however religion has always been a very loaded and sensitive subject for me, so I will not go into further details).

I then decided to sign onto a Christian dating website and went to a few Christian singles events in London. Again I couldn't make any connections. I did start chatting to a girl in the West Country for a month or so and we were almost able to meet up, but circumstances got in the way and then she met someone else. Again I was devastated.

2010

By the end of 2009 my social prospects looked bleak. I would continue sending girls messages online, if she replied it was always dry up very quickly. The 20s group at church was depleting due to a mix of people leaving the church or getting into relationships and had become very male dominated. I HAD to make changes. I looked outside the churches and did a google search for social events and found a group which was a pre-curser to meetup.com.

I managed to get one random date with a girl from the Christian dating site in April 2010, again, nothing romantic. However for the most part my efforts were redirected to trying to gain a better and more fun social life in general. I went to numerous 'organised socials' (much of this is covered in my early blog posts) in 2010, 2011, and in the years that followed.

2011

In early 2011, an American friend of one of my best friends (whom I knew from the my old church and had reached out to me since I we started going there in 2000) set me up with one of his work colleagues. We had a decent date, Pizza Express then a gig (run by people we knew) but again nothing romantic and no connection from either side.

In May 2011 I saw a Facebook ad for a workshop for men wanting to get help with attracting women. I went along and became one of this coach. Once a month or so I would meet with the coach and one or two other guys and we would go out into town to see if we can approach women, and on other Saturdays night I would simply meet with the others guys. Again no real success here, got the odd number, but nothing followed through. 

Around the same time, I decided to move to a different church again, as the 20s group in my current church had greatly depleted and there were no opportunities for dating or social progress. There were already a few people I knew in the church I started attending, and I ended up being invited to another young adults group there. While this was helpful in terms of having a better social life in general, no real dating opportunities arose from this.

2012-2013

The main benefit of the social attraction coaching I underwent in 2011-2012 was to give me some understanding of what attracts women, opportunities to approach, and knowing how I can improve my lifestyle in such a way to attract women. This became more my focus at this time. I had the belief that if i changed by lifestyle and the way I communicate, a girl would just come along. As I play guitar, my coach said I should get into a band. He also recommended I try and find ways to be seen out with more women. 

My friend (the one I knew from church since 2000 and who also ran music nights) gave me a few opportunities to play guitar at his events, and then in 2013 I was fortunate enough to meet a female singer looking for a guitarist to gig with, and we started gigging together, 2013 was a year a major social progress for me as it was also the year I passed my driving test!

2014-2016

In the summer of 2014 I did perhaps the bravest thing I have done in regards to meeting a woman. A took part in local charity version of the TV show 'Take Me Out'. I saw an advert looking for another man and I jumped at the opportunity. I got one light on, but I think she only left her's on to avoid a blackout. I dressed in a nice fitted smart jacket, my video I am sure referred to my gigs and my interest in making money online at the time, so not quite sure what the girls didn't see in me.

However, a little later in 2014, after years of effort, I FINALLY found a girlfriend, indeed I met two women that were really into me that year. The relationship lasted until around March 2015. I cannot say any more than on this..

I continued with the gigs with my female singer and really felt like I was 'the man' at times. Following the break up of the relationship (which to be fair never went very deep, either physically or emotionally, we'd just meet up on Saturdays over food and snuggle up on the sofa and watch TV, mainly, which was nice) I had the odd date coming from online, in amongst sending MANY messages where there was no reply. But again, they didn't feel any connection or chemistry so nothing happened.

2017-2019

In 2017, I met another girl who I managed to meet up with five times. We had one date, she said afterwards she didn't feel any connection (as usual) however we did meet up on four other occasions. We only met as I had mentioned "Countdown" on my profile (the TV show) and she was due to appear on Countdown that year. 

The following year (to the best of my memory) I applied for the Channel 4 TV show 'First Dates' and to my surprise was invited to the studio to do an interview in London which would have been included if I had either been given a match or deemed suitable for the show. Soon afterwards, I had a skype call with a psychologist or psychotherapist to determine my suitability for the show, but in the end nothing came about it.

My energies at this stage were still more directed and building a better social life in general as opposed to dating. Things were drying up at this point on the gigs front, but I took up salsa dancing. Whilst salsa dancing is great for getting you out into a social environment, it is a much harder avenue than it would seem for meeting a partner, as the environment is not very conducive to great conversations.

In around 2018-2019, I felt 'burnt out' from all the years of accumulated social and dating efforts. 

2020 and beyond

After the feelings of deflation and burn out in 2018-2019 and the shock of the events in 2020, including the loss of my job, as of 2022, I am now back and raring to go onto the dating scene. 

I had managed to secure three first dates in 2022 and one in 2023. One was a girl I knew as a friend (I knocked on her door one morning to ask her our), one was a girl I met in a facebook group, one was a girl I was set up with, and the other I met on Bumble (which for the most part is a complete dead-end of no response swipes!) 

There's one girl I almost went on a date and I find it very regrettable about the timing and situations where we've met, see my previous post. 

I would hope to think that readers will consider myself to have made valiant efforts. I often feel like a total failure in this area of life, but I feel that if I continue this way, and not met anyone or had the relationship I want by the age of70, no one could say "you should have tried harder when you were young". 

Deconstructing a Crush

Over the past few weeks I have been struggling with a feeling of an unrequited crush on a particular woman. This has been the first time I have felt like this for many years, probably not since 2010. I'll call her Lucy. 

Background

I first Lucy met at a meeting about a subject that interests me over a just over a year ago and remember her questions and contributions towards the end. Then about a year ago I went to an alternative dating night, in the hope I might meet someone compatible with me. To my great surprise, Lucy was there and she recognised me. We had a chat, and had quite a few common interests, and exchanged numbers. I asked her out for a drink and she initially agreed to meet me on Wednesday, but then had to cancel as she was double booked. I then invited her to a friend's house party but she said she was busy, then she told me she'd met someone and they were exclusive. I felt a bit cheesed off, because, if only she could have made the first date, I might have had a chance.

Fast forward to a few weeks ago, I was at another house party with some friends who share similar interests (won't go into details on this as it detracts from the point) and Lucy was there, and it appears this exclusive relationship was now over. I told my good friend Matt (not real name and who has great flirting skills with woman and tries to help me in this area) that I liked her, and she was the one I had already been in contact. To be honest I liked her even more seeing her at this party than I did previously. 

Unfortunately, late in the evening, it all turned a bit awkward. Matt began chatting a lady who turned out to be Lucy's sister, and Lucy seemed interested so her sister left them to chat and flirt together. I was around and really anxiously hoping, I could find a window of opportunity to join in the conversation, but it seemed my friend Matt and Lucy got into a bit of an 'us zone' and Lucy was really into my friend, I noticed her do her lipstick at one point. In the end Lucy's mum offered Matt and myself as well as Lucy a lift back to the train station, it was really obvious Lucy was into my friend, on the way to the car, and Lucy clearly found an excuse to sit in the back with Matt. 

Just for the record Matt is a fantastic mate that I've known for three years now, we hand out together, done all sorts of things together and talk really openly about everything. Matt has a great desire to protect me (being a much bigger guy than myself) and would never do anything to upset me. He can get carried away, unintentionally. That said on the walk towards the car I felt increasingly uncomfortable as Matt and Lucy were flirting together, and was really hoping Matt would try and create an opening for me. Matt assured once we out of the car that he wasn't going to contact Lucy afterwards and he was't crazy about her, and that our friendship is far more important, to which I am extremely grateful. 

Why the Crush and its Can we Deconstruction it?

Since this happened, I have suffered from so many feelings of sadness and unrequited love. Part of the reason for posting this is for me to process my feelings, and hopefully 'deconstruct' the crush I have on Lucy.

What is it I like so much about Lucy? Well, I think its a combination of her being a physically attractive woman in her 30s, but also the vibe she gives off in a social setting, her energy, something that is hard to define, alongside the fact we have common interests and values and in a sense common aspirations (not in terms of career path). All these things combined in one woman would be very rare to find, given that some of our views and interests may be considered, well unusual. There are plenty of women I am attracted to, both physically and in terms of vibe and energy, but I know that ultimately I would likely have too many differences to get along. With Lucy, I see someone who is further ahead than me in the path I want to move into.

Critically, I also see qualities in Lucy, which I lack, or get the feeling she has something in her life which I am missing out on. I know she has experience in acting, and this shows in the way she flirts and communicates. She has an outward confidence that I lack, a social awareness I lack, and yet outside of this she seems to have more  experience in relation to common interests, that I lack. Even though I now have a great social life, and get to go to quite a few house parties and nights out, I acutely remember the time, 20 years ago, when I didn't have friends, and would be infatuated by these bubbly, expressive, outgoing type of girls because by their vibe, it would appear that they live really exciting social lives. I now know that in reality, there is probably nothing all that exciting about the lives of the likes of Lucy - apart from possibly attention of the opposite sex which is a big deal - but otherwise if Lucy is living this super exciting life, it probably is not a lifestyle the suits me.  

Now when I think of Lucy, what is it that I instinctively want from her life? Sex? Not primarily, I don't think. I think its simply the desire to be part of her life, or involved in some way, and be able to have that communicable connection. I would want to meet up, and talk about the possibility of having a relationship. 

I think there's also an element of envy in my feelings towards my friend Matt, how seemed to have Lucy hanging my his fingertips late into the evening, and a feeling of inadequacy on my part, that I was unable to connect with Lucy on a verbal, flirting and banter type of level whilst my friend could. 

I also find it regrettable that the situations where Lucy and have met have both been slightly awkward and uncomfortable ones for me, appearing like a 'low value' male, and I just wished she could see me in situation where I could shine, where I an doing something impressive, demonstrating knowledge and experience or something. The alternative dating night was awkward, possibly for both of us, and this recent house party was awkward for me. I think I also feel like I've messed up in some way, have failed somehow. At the party, while Matt and Lucy were bantering away, I couldn't help but look awkward, at times trying to talk to other people, but not wanting to stray too far from Matt and Lucy and look for my 'window of opportunity' to join in, or in the hope that Matt might slip in a good word for me (as I said, he's apologised in case I was upset my his getting carried away and I accept that totally).

There's also the feeling of "if only she liked me..." because if she did, thus could work between us.

All in all it was an awkward situation that took place on the night, though not through anybody's fault. Analysing the reasons for my crush is the most helpful thing for me to do in order to 'deconstruct' it and hopefully realise that for one reason or another a relationship wouldn't work between us, or discover something I don't like about her. 

As it happened, Matt did bump into Lucy again at another meeting (I wasn't there) and it was awkward! Lucy already figured out I liked her, and referred to the moment we got in the car - what a memory! And quite scary how women know you like them, when I have nowhere near this level of perception, making me feel somewhat vulnerable that they can read my body language far better than I can theirs, let another reason that makes them attractive because they have what I lack.

What would make me happy

I have asked Matt to slip in a good word about me in passing if he bumps into Lucy again. I'm not necessarily saying I want Lucy as my girlfriend, though I'm certainly open to this - however my mind would be more at ease if Lucy could know the real me in some way, perhaps being aware I have aspergers and that would explain my social awkwardness, and maybe if she heard a few stories that put me in a positive light.