For as long as I can remember, I have had a very strong desire to touch a girl I am attracted to in sensual way and for many years any type of physical contact with a woman, let alone anything sexual, seemed like an unobtainable fantasy.
As a consequence I have for the past twenty years, as documented throughout this blog made a big effort in the following three areas:
1. Trying to find a girlfriend
2. Trying to make more friends and build a social life that would involve meeting women and increase my chances of finding a girlfriend
3. Developing social attraction
However despite years of efforts, and despite (in the last couple of years especially), managing to go on a few first dates, dressing up, booking a venue, and managing to hold a decent conversation and in some cases even build some connection - the women have for one reason or another not wanted to continue dating me.
It seems that when women agree to go out on a first date, their default is to think "no" to further dates, unless they feel some sort of spark or connection. My default is to say "yes" (given that I know I'm attracted to them before I ask them out) unless I discover a major disagreement or a red flag, and then I would want to continue meeting and discuss what we both want out of a relationship and see if we can agree to something, and continue dating and become boyfriend and girlfriend unless there is a good reason not to.
However, unless the woman is willing to continue dating me and begin to engage in a more physical relationship, then it would be appear that the only way to get physically intimate with an attractive woman is through hiring a escort.
If someone can suggest an alternative way of doing obtaining physical intimacy (not necessarily sexual but with the potential of it going that way) with an attractive woman without having to form some sort of connection or get her in love with you - then I'd like to know!
Levels of Intimacy
To make things clear, there is a very fine line between the type of intimacy I desperately crave sometimes, and the type that I would be very nervous about - although I would give it a go given the right circumstances, which I've yet to encounter. I'm going to divide this into three levels of physical intimacy:
Level 1: Mild: i.e. Hold hands, brief kisses.
Level 2: Semi-Sexual: Undressing each other, touching for extended periods in a more sensual way including more intimate body parts such as upper thighs and breasts
Level 3: Sexual: Penetrative intercourse and other similar activity such as oral.
At present, I have yet to ever engage, in Level 3 and do not feel entirely comfortable at this level. However I have a very strong desire for Level 2 - at least to be able to have this type of physical contact occasionally - doesn't have to be every week! The bizarre thing is when you visit escort sites the girls are always citing the often weird and extreme Level 3 activities they are willing to engage in with abbreviations - and I have no idea what they're talking about!
So when I hire and escort I am seeking to spend an hour on Level 2 activity - I'll go as far as a gentle hand-job with any woman I find attractive! However I simply don't feel comfortable doing Level 3 stuff with a woman I don't know and only have an hour to spend with, and without an opportunity to talk through it later. Level 3 for me would at least need to be with a friend, whom I can build things up with on Level 2 first, and if I feel awkward after having done Level 3, we can at least talk about it afterwards and offload our experience.
The desire for self expression:
Physical intimacy is not the only reason I see an escort, though it is the primary one. There is also the mental side of being able to express myself in the way I show affection to a woman, and to talk to a woman about the things that turn me on, the things I might see a woman do that I could get a "kick" out of (That Gary Shearston song is one I definitely relate to). I like to get her to do a little dance, as if she was in a club, and then tell her how cool she looks, I love to find her ticklish spots and hear her laugh, and have her lay on the bed while I caress her whole body and she (hopefully) is able to close her eyes and enjoy the sensation.
One may suggest that this is all fake intimacy - but as with socialising, for me fake friendship and fake intimacy is better than none at all.
The Great Irony
It seems that if you cannot find a girlfriend, or a friend with benefits (which is very difficult as it normally still involves you creating sexual attraction and if you ask a friend for something sexual they might give you a slap!) then the only way to do obtain this type of intimacy with a woman is through hiring an escort.
I find it very ironic that in one sense it is easier to learn to fly a plane, then obtain a willing sexual or semi-sexual partner. Because whereas learning to fly (I would imagine) requires having serious money, time and resources, and knowing the right people, finding a willing sexual or semi-sexual partner requires:
1. No Money
2. No Resources
3. No Skills
4. Limited Time
Moving Forward
I am continuing to search for a girlfriend and will regularly go to singles night, swipe on the apps and take whatever dating opportunities come my way. At the same time I will continue to hire an escort when I see one I like at a convenient time.
However the frustrating thing is not only the financial cost of hiring an escort but the lack of transparency in the process - many of the girls are foreign and their English is limited.
It has occurred to me that there are two key obstacles in being able to obtain this type of intimacy outside of escort services.
1. Market Forces: Any woman that interests me, is going to have several, if not many other men wanting to date her. I, by contract, am not likely to have other women on the go.
2. Exclusivity: I sometimes think my life would be much better if we lived in a society where we simply didn't have exclusive relationships. That dating, romantic and sexual activity was more like going to a dance event, where we constantly share partners.
At a Latin dance event, both men and women will simply dance with whoever they wish to for one song, then move onto another partner for the next. There seems to be no jealousy, and even if you are a beginner dancer or not the best, you will still find people willing to dance with you. Everyone can get a bite of the cherry, so to speak.
The problem is when women are seeking just one boyfriend, a culture of exclusive relationships excludes a good proportion of men from being able to have any type of physical intimacy at all. Because even if you go on dates and they go reasonably well, and they quite like you, you're in competition with so many other men, and the woman has a better option to go with, leaving you with nothing and back to square one.
While I seek out a proper girlfriend, I am trying to think of ways I can find a woman/women women who would be willing to meet up just occasionally (i.e. once a month, once every 2-3 months even) to engage in Level 2 intimacy, with an openness of moving onto Level 3 should we both feel aroused and comfortable. This in theory shouldn't be that difficult what I am seeking requires no money, no resources, no skills and only limited time.
Yet it seems like a very difficult thing to obtain. I think my best bet would be mentioning this issue to a few trusted friends, as to find a third party, who may know some women in or into open relationships, or simply enjoy sex, and would be willing to meet up ocassionaly with an inexperienced man - even if its just out of sympathy. We could have a quick zoom call first, just to check we're comfortable with each other, and then meet at either of our places at a convenient time.
Don't tell me to go on dating apps or hookup apps - my profile would just get lost in the sea of men!
As I say this is simply a substitute whilst looking for a permanent girlfriend.
But it seems so ironic that something so simple, and so natural, is so difficult to obtain.
