Over the past few weeks I have been struggling with a feeling of an unrequited crush on a particular woman. This has been the first time I have felt like this for many years, probably not since 2010. I'll call her Lucy.
Background
I first Lucy met at a meeting about a subject that interests me over a just over a year ago and remember her questions and contributions towards the end. Then about a year ago I went to an alternative dating night, in the hope I might meet someone compatible with me. To my great surprise, Lucy was there and she recognised me. We had a chat, and had quite a few common interests, and exchanged numbers. I asked her out for a drink and she initially agreed to meet me on Wednesday, but then had to cancel as she was double booked. I then invited her to a friend's house party but she said she was busy, then she told me she'd met someone and they were exclusive. I felt a bit cheesed off, because, if only she could have made the first date, I might have had a chance.
Fast forward to a few weeks ago, I was at another house party with some friends who share similar interests (won't go into details on this as it detracts from the point) and Lucy was there, and it appears this exclusive relationship was now over. I told my good friend Matt (not real name and who has great flirting skills with woman and tries to help me in this area) that I liked her, and she was the one I had already been in contact. To be honest I liked her even more seeing her at this party than I did previously.
Unfortunately, late in the evening, it all turned a bit awkward. Matt began chatting a lady who turned out to be Lucy's sister, and Lucy seemed interested so her sister left them to chat and flirt together. I was around and really anxiously hoping, I could find a window of opportunity to join in the conversation, but it seemed my friend Matt and Lucy got into a bit of an 'us zone' and Lucy was really into my friend, I noticed her do her lipstick at one point. In the end Lucy's mum offered Matt and myself as well as Lucy a lift back to the train station, it was really obvious Lucy was into my friend, on the way to the car, and Lucy clearly found an excuse to sit in the back with Matt.
Just for the record Matt is a fantastic mate that I've known for three years now, we hand out together, done all sorts of things together and talk really openly about everything. Matt has a great desire to protect me (being a much bigger guy than myself) and would never do anything to upset me. He can get carried away, unintentionally. That said on the walk towards the car I felt increasingly uncomfortable as Matt and Lucy were flirting together, and was really hoping Matt would try and create an opening for me. Matt assured once we out of the car that he wasn't going to contact Lucy afterwards and he was't crazy about her, and that our friendship is far more important, to which I am extremely grateful.
Why the Crush and its Can we Deconstruction it?
Since this happened, I have suffered from so many feelings of sadness and unrequited love. Part of the reason for posting this is for me to process my feelings, and hopefully 'deconstruct' the crush I have on Lucy.
What is it I like so much about Lucy? Well, I think its a combination of her being a physically attractive woman in her 30s, but also the vibe she gives off in a social setting, her energy, something that is hard to define, alongside the fact we have common interests and values and in a sense common aspirations (not in terms of career path). All these things combined in one woman would be very rare to find, given that some of our views and interests may be considered, well unusual. There are plenty of women I am attracted to, both physically and in terms of vibe and energy, but I know that ultimately I would likely have too many differences to get along. With Lucy, I see someone who is further ahead than me in the path I want to move into.
Critically, I also see qualities in Lucy, which I lack, or get the feeling she has something in her life which I am missing out on. I know she has experience in acting, and this shows in the way she flirts and communicates. She has an outward confidence that I lack, a social awareness I lack, and yet outside of this she seems to have more experience in relation to common interests, that I lack. Even though I now have a great social life, and get to go to quite a few house parties and nights out, I acutely remember the time, 20 years ago, when I didn't have friends, and would be infatuated by these bubbly, expressive, outgoing type of girls because by their vibe, it would appear that they live really exciting social lives. I now know that in reality, there is probably nothing all that exciting about the lives of the likes of Lucy - apart from possibly attention of the opposite sex which is a big deal - but otherwise if Lucy is living this super exciting life, it probably is not a lifestyle the suits me.
Now when I think of Lucy, what is it that I instinctively want from her life? Sex? Not primarily, I don't think. I think its simply the desire to be part of her life, or involved in some way, and be able to have that communicable connection. I would want to meet up, and talk about the possibility of having a relationship.
I think there's also an element of envy in my feelings towards my friend Matt, how seemed to have Lucy hanging my his fingertips late into the evening, and a feeling of inadequacy on my part, that I was unable to connect with Lucy on a verbal, flirting and banter type of level whilst my friend could.
I also find it regrettable that the situations where Lucy and have met have both been slightly awkward and uncomfortable ones for me, appearing like a 'low value' male, and I just wished she could see me in situation where I could shine, where I an doing something impressive, demonstrating knowledge and experience or something. The alternative dating night was awkward, possibly for both of us, and this recent house party was awkward for me. I think I also feel like I've messed up in some way, have failed somehow. At the party, while Matt and Lucy were bantering away, I couldn't help but look awkward, at times trying to talk to other people, but not wanting to stray too far from Matt and Lucy and look for my 'window of opportunity' to join in, or in the hope that Matt might slip in a good word for me (as I said, he's apologised in case I was upset my his getting carried away and I accept that totally).
There's also the feeling of "if only she liked me..." because if she did, thus could work between us.
All in all it was an awkward situation that took place on the night, though not through anybody's fault. Analysing the reasons for my crush is the most helpful thing for me to do in order to 'deconstruct' it and hopefully realise that for one reason or another a relationship wouldn't work between us, or discover something I don't like about her.
As it happened, Matt did bump into Lucy again at another meeting (I wasn't there) and it was awkward! Lucy already figured out I liked her, and referred to the moment we got in the car - what a memory! And quite scary how women know you like them, when I have nowhere near this level of perception, making me feel somewhat vulnerable that they can read my body language far better than I can theirs, let another reason that makes them attractive because they have what I lack.
What would make me happy
I have asked Matt to slip in a good word about me in passing if he bumps into Lucy again. I'm not necessarily saying I want Lucy as my girlfriend, though I'm certainly open to this - however my mind would be more at ease if Lucy could know the real me in some way, perhaps being aware I have aspergers and that would explain my social awkwardness, and maybe if she heard a few stories that put me in a positive light.
