Thursday, 14 April 2011

The Need for Chemistry in a Relationship

On Sunday evening I was talking with Hannah who I've known for about four years, and who I tried hard to go out with a couple fo years ago. To give you some background information: When I first knew Hannah I initially wasn't sure about her, but there was a time in late 2008 where I thought she was giving signals to suggest she was interested in me (flicking her hair once, telling me personal stories without me asking a thing) bearing in mind she is a very shy girl. She agreed to meet up with me for a coffee in January 2009, we aranged a second date a month later but it never happened due to a mix up in the place we agreed to meet up. After that I found she didn't seem quite so keen on me for a while. After much thought and discussion with friends and family, I wrote her a note in April 2009 sealed in a stamped address envelope to gently ask her if she would be interested in a relationship. She replied with a 'no' reply. Due to circumstances I didn't see much of her in the six months that followed. But I remember in October that year there were one or two occassions when her body language seemed to be warming up again, and this has been the case at times since, although not consistantly.

Sunday Evening's Conversation

Moving forward, when I was chatting to Hannah she was in a much brighter and livelier mood than usual. Normally it can be hard work keeping the conversation going with her (thats with anyone not just me) but on this occassion she was really showing an interest in me and the things I was doing, asking me some questions. This isn't an absolute first, as she has had odd bursts when she comes out of her shell. Now I have recently grown a beard which seems to be suiting me. The first thing Hannah said when I saw her was that she really liked me beard. Her body language was very warm, she was leaning towards me with her arm leaning in my direction.

What really caught my attention was that she told me she had gained in confidence recently and she said she wanted to find a nice gentleman 'but I know that's not easy' (refering to things she's heard me talk about subsequent to me trying to date her) and 'well you're a nice gentleman but....' and she seemed to get carried away before saying 'oh I don't know why I'm going into all this' and then I kind of halted that part of the conversation too. Hannah then told me she gets obsessive about things and has had many disasters in her life, but that she had made a resolutino to be more positive and change her ways. I tried to flirt with her a bit afer that. The conversation went on for a bit....


What was significant about this conversation is that lasted for about 10 minutes or so, is that I felt there was real chemistry between us, and because of her warm body language it felt like the chemistry was mutual. The reason for this I think, is that Hannah and I come from similar backgrounds. Our family homes could not have been more stable, no divorces etc, but we've both struggled socially and haven't developed at the same rate as others. As a result I think we can relate to each other quite well. With the vast majority of girls that I meet and get to know a bit, I am able to get along alright, but it would never go beyond a surface level, and hardly ever, if ever has there been any real chemistry between myself and a girl. I don't think I have ever felt any chemistry between myself and a girl until Sunday night.

Whilst I am still thinking about how to approach this particular situation, this occassion made me think of a few things. One of my problems is perhaps that my unusual social background (stable family but delayed social development) and general approach to life means I cannot relate to many girls beyond a surface level, which seems necessary for any relationship to develop, and hence, there is no real chemistry between us. It would be very hard for a conversation to move into more intimate and emotionally charged territory. I can think of several couples who have got together because of some common shared experience. In one case both partners had been affected by a car accident in different ways. In other both partners come from adopted parents and don't know their biological Mum's (or something along those lines). In such cases the common backgrounds or experiences is what helped produce the chemistry and allowed a relationship to develop. Now I'll leave this post with just one question to ponder and perhaps answer in the comments section:

How does someone with a very unusual background that few can relate to, do to find someone whereby there will be some chemistry in the relationship?

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