Saturday, 11 June 2011

Helping People Succeed Socially and Find Relationships: Breaking Down the Processes

If your goal is to learn to drive, to learn to play guitar, to improve your football skills, or to get a promotion, you can achieve this largely by effort and determination. Sure, some people will find these things easier than others, and some will achieve these things by being in the right place at the right time, but just about anyone who finds such things difficult yet has the determination will eventually achieve their goals.

This seems to be the key difference between the goal of finding a girlfriend, and ultimately, marriage and starting a family, and every other ambition. Whilst most people want to find a partner, the problem is that finding the right relationship is not done through drive and determination, and it seems like its just a matter of luck that romance will just happen to blossom at some point before you get too old.

I Am Sick of People Not Having Answers

Now when I talk to most people about wanting to find a girlfriend, I often get answers like "just keep doing what you're doing, it will happen natually one day when you're not looking." Well I'm sorry, but almost everything I have achieved in my life has been done through effort and determination - few good things have "just happened." The problem is such answers often come from people who have had it easy in this area - they just happened to find the right person when they were young or just bumped into the right people naturally and never had to think about it. It just won't do.

Over the past year I have met a few people that I regard as very strong socially, who can find dates with ease. One thing I have been trying to do is to identify and pinpoint what it is they do which makes them strong socially, and stand out (in my view) from others. I am now beginning to think this is the key towards helpeing people with Asperger's Syndrome succeed socially - take the most socially competent people, examine what it is they do in social situations, the ways they approach and talk to people, break down and anaylise what they're doing, and then teach the person with Asperger's Syndrome how to copy them. I think this could help not just people with Asperger's, but many other less socially competant people too.

Now I am not suggesting that anyone has to change their personalities, and indeed there would be some things that could not be performed by everyone. However there is a big difference between trying to change your personality to one like someone else's, and learning what it is another person does that makes them good socially, taking what you can of that person's social skills, and putting new found social skills into practice.

My Experience at a Workshop

Recently I discovered online, a man who runs workshops locally to help clients improve their social attraction, with a key area being to help men approach girls and giving them the social skills that will make them attractive to women. I went to a short taster workshop two weeks ago, and in this workshop, there were around eight men, including myself, and we went through several conversational excersizes, and discussed body language. I have to say I felt very comfortable in this setting, and did not feel like I was out of my league or a fish out of water, but felt compatable with the other guys there.

I have since had a private consultation with this man and intend to go along to another workshop, and maybe more in due course.

Now what I appreciate about the guy who runs this academy, is that through his experience, he has worked out what it is that attracts women, and has broken it down into steps that can be taught to men who are not naturals in this area. He said to me "I can get you a girlfriend," not literally of course, but he can teach me the steps that would make it inevitable that girls would be interested in me.

I seriously think this is the kind of way I will learn to succeed socially. By learning anaylitically what it is that popular people do in social settings, anaylising their conversation techniques, particularly with women, and going out and putting those things into practice. This I feel could be the answer for any man who cannot makes friends or for whom romance does not blossom naturally. That way no one should have to rely on luck to find a relationship, but can now learn how to find a girlfriend by learning the steps and processes that attract women, and yes, though effort and determination.

1 comment:

  1. I agree that copying an exemplar is often a good way to learn. I always avoided doing this when I was younger because it went against my beliefs about individualism and creativity, but I see the benefits in it now.

    I think people respond like those you've mentioned have, because "romance" is commonly believed to be "romantic", that is, an unknowable art rather than a science.

    And indeed, like most interpersonal skills, this assessment is fairly accurate for most people. But not everyone.