Problems finding a girlfriend and possible solutions

I've had a bit of a down day today. This area of dating and meeting someone special is something I am DESPERATE to get sorted but there seems to be no solution. I feel STUCK. I went for a walk and tried to analyse the problem.

I drafted up on a Notepad document the PROBLEMS and POSSILE SOLUTIONS to my (lack of) dating dilemma.

Problems 1. I have accumulated several good friends and a large social circle, and I am meeting with friends in one context or another several times a week. However, at this present moment this social circle does not contain any eligible single women, and the places we go to when out, are not generally conducive to meeting new single women. 2. There is one environment in particular I go into where I am meeting women of the right age who are single, which is salsa dancing classes and event. However in this context I go on my own, I don't have any real friends who are there with me, just mere acquaintances that I may see regularly at most. It is not easy to get into a conversation with people at salsa, as there's loud music playing and people are there to dance and talk. 3. As a result, I have no place where I get any support/feedback from friends hinting if a certain girl is interested, or how I should go about getting to know them or asking them out. 4. I have tried online dating and it is a laborious chore. I struggle to 'sell' myself and have to send messages to women who I probably have little in common with and, rarely get replies and if I do it always dries up quickly. I've tried it and its both difficult, bording, and is not working as an avenue to meet women. 5. I cannot do flirting and banter, which is all part of online dating and messaging. I had coaching ten years ago and tried to learn, but it just does not come naturally and its me pretending to be something I am not. Teaching me flirting and banter skills is like teaching someone with no natural musical ability to play an instrument. 6. I do have a sense of humour, however it doesn't generally slip into conversations, but has to be explained, and while my best friends love my humour, most new people will find it wierd. 7. In general, when I might meet a woman who happens to be single, its hard to know how to transition from saying 'Hello' to finding out if they are single, their current dating situation, then knowing when its appropriate to ask them out, without going in too early. 8. I am a very honest and straight talking individual. However my having genuine difficulties in the area of dating, expressing those difficulties and the desire to be chased instead can in itself be a turn off when part of the attraction comes from you having options and interest from women. 9. Occasionally I think of a creative solution to my problem i.e. business cards, however I am constantly told these will backfire! Possible solutions: 1. A professional matchmaker who can find me dates with people they know are ready for a relationship 2. Friends to introduce me to any suitable women, or to find places, environments whereby I can approach and meet single women, get into a proper conversation, social proof 3. A different type of singles night/environment. Perhaps a quieter night with tables with ice-breaker questions, relating to dating issues, which facilitate genuine conversation and discussion, and can get to know people authentically. And having other close friends in the scene who can help me navigate it. 4. Something TANTERMOUNT to an arranged marriage. Rather than trying to the navigate the dating process through flirting, banter, push-pull, tension, etc once we have established we both like each other enough to 'try out' a relationship both in terms of looks and personality, we move to discuss how we develop it, how often we meet, what we do together, etc. 5. Mail order brides as a last resort attempt.

Do I actually want an exclusive relationship, or do I just feel like I'm missing out?

In recent years one of my main social activities has been latin dancing, salsa and bachata. This has brought huge value in my life, especially as it enables me to get physical close to many hot, attractive women. As far as I'm can see this is the only way to get close physical and sometimes sensual contact with women without going through all the hoops needed to form a relationship.

While you get some people, though not many, attending dance events as a couple, in terms of dancing, hardly anyone will ever go to one of these dance events and only want to dance with one partner. You're free to dance with any woman, and women come to dance with a wide range of men. A dance is nothing more than a dance. When the song ends you find another partner. No one is seeking to 'settle down' with one exclusive dance partner. If they're a regular, chances are you'll dance with them again either later that night or at another event. Other people you may only ever dance with once.  

It occurred to me that if dating and sex was a dance event, that is was abnormal to be exclusive, and that all men and women (except those not interested at all) were open for dating and sexual activity with multiple partners, with no intention of finding an exclusive partner, life would be better, and it would remove this frustration. There could be a local dating community forum, you could say you're looking for someone to go down the pub on Wednesday, or your date at some social function, or you want a sexual encounter, and you find someone who at least likes you enough, and is available that night. Hopefully you'd get to know many people socially this way, just like you familiarise yourself with certain dance partners.

I'm starting to think that when I say I want a girlfriend, what I really mean is that I don't like seeing girls to find a boyfriend they are exclusive with and become unavailable and socially more detached from everyone else other than the boyfriend, at least not unless I also can find an exclusive girlfriend.

At a dance event, it is very inclusive. You don't have to be the best or more sought after dancer to find people to dance with you. Most women will be open to dancing with a wide range of men. Of course it's hard if you're a beginner, however you'll probably find more advanced dancers willing to help you.

Whereas with dating, sex and relationships, a large number of guys who are not the most attractive (in the broader sense) will get left out in the cold in a climate of exclusivity. Its very ironic that it can be hard to meet another 30 or 40 year old woman who we have much in common with for coffee, if she has some other boyfriend, because I might be seen as a threat, yet I could visit any 80 year old who I may have nothing in common with and there would be no issue! Whereas if we did away with our exclusive dating climate, one could meet up with anyone with no issues of temptation or jealousy!

What I'm basically saying is that the only real reason I feel dissatisfied being single is because of the culture of exclusivity. I wish it wasn't that way, or else could find a significant local community of normal, attractive heterosexual people including many women who purposefully reject exclusive relationships and are as open to dating multiple men as and when in the same way as if you go to a dance event. And you can make general platonic friends with such people knowing that there won't be some new romantic boyfriend getting in the way. 

These are just my thoughts at the present time, which are developing always. I'm not trying to propose anything, just thinking through my underlying thoughts and feelings. Sometime you say you want one thing, but when you think hard enough and ash why, you realise what you actually want is not quite what you were thinking. 

So admittedly much of my own motivation for finding an exclusive girlfriend is so that I don't get left out in the cold, tossed around by the social tide, and lack what girls with exclusive boyfriends have.

 

Is there ANY GENUINE SOLUTION out of the Catch 22 situation?

In the past couple of months I have had so many thoughts rattling around my mind, and been spending many evenings and lunch breaks wandering around local parks collecting my thoughts, talking to myself, and trying to find SOLUTIONS to scramble my way out of this catch 22 situation. 

The problem being, how do I stop being perpetually single and be able to GET IN to relationships without it being a huge effort! 

How to go beyond first dates and get through the HOOPS necessary to get to physical intimacy with a woman.

I have been thinking hard and strategically about what I actually want. Do I want a steady girlfriend? Do I want a friend with benefits? Do I just want one off encounters?

The answer is what I would like MOST is to be settled into a steady relationship with an attractive girl. HOWEVER, failing that, and in the meantime, I want to find a way to have some sort of sensual and sexual intimacy with women (without paying huge prices), while searching for a proper girlfriend. It's not just the having sex, its things like walking to the beach together, hand in hand, extended touching, all the things that you see couples do.

HOW DO I ACHIEVE THIS?

Here's a summary of how I am feeling and why:

Wanting to make up for lost time in terms of not having sex and relationships but having no clear methodology as to how to go about this. Feeling like its my fault for not trying hard enough when I was younger.

This is the real Catch 22: IF I said to myself "I'm now 40, I want to sort out of my driving problem and learn to drive" (which I did at 30 btw), while the process of undertaking lessons and tests may not be easy, you can sure of these THREE things:

1. It is perfectly socially acceptable to be OPEN about this and say "Hey, I'm turned 40, I've decided its time I learnt to drive"

2. OTHER PEOPLE will be supportive of your aim, they'll say "good for you" rather than "just be yourself and stop looking.

3. There is a CLEAR METHODOLOGY of how to achieve your aim to become a driver. Hire an instructor who will teach you HOW to drive, and learn and practice everything you need to pass a test. Just about anyone with the determination will achieve it eventually

The same could be said for almost every other goal like learning a language, playing an instrument or losing weight.

Yet when it come to finding a girlfriend, or intimate encounters in the meantime...not only is there NO CLEAR METHODOLOGY but you're left in a real catch 22 situation, in that if you tell a prospective partner that you are looking and TRYING to find a girlfriend, or that you have a genuine STRUGGLE in this area, they will likely be TURNED OFF dating you! WHAT A CATCH 22 - YOU'RE HAVING TO DISGUISE YOUR TRUE FEELINGS, and try to be social and interested in other stuff that you're not! WITH EVERYTHING ELSE AT LEAST YOU CAN BE OPEN ABOUT YOUR OBJECTIVES.

And yes people do have occasional flings, intimate encounters and friends with benefits, yet if you ASK a woman if she'd be happy to be a friend with benefits you're most likely to a frosty response!

With all that said, I do believe that if you REALLY want something, there is always a solution out there, you've just got to scramble around to find it. 

"You'll meet her when your not looking" The PROBLEM

So many times when I talk about my lack of dating success, I get told something like "just relax, chill out more, the right girl will turn up when you least expect it...."

Now, if I was 20 years old, and was REGULARLY meeting datable women, I could except this fine. However, being 40 years old, and having been to many singles events, speed dating and other meet-up type events over many years, and now actually having a decent social life (largely thanks to covid ironically) and having been to many salsa dancing classes and events in recent years...and seriously NOT seeking to date anyone, just being around friends...then one has to realise I am talking about my dating frustrations IN VIEW of the fact that I HAVE been doing exactly what you said...yet when after so many years of being socially active and STILL you have little dating prospects, or at least not knowing how to utilise them...then if you want to change that it is no good just saying "it will happen when you're not looking".

I don't want to be in this situation at age 70, 60, or even 50, look at attractive young girls while I'm looking old and grey and think "if only I tried when I was younger". But the only way to PREVENT those feelings when you're older (which I'm starting to get already is to TRY HARDER when you're younger. 

And with ANYTHING ELSE in life that you want to achieve, such as learning to drive, acquiring a skill like playing an instrument, or taking up a certain sport, or losing weight, you are expected to accomplish this through EFFORT and DETERMINATION and there is NO STIGMA attached to saying you are TRYING, people will admire you for this. 

Want to lose 3 stone? "Oh the weight will drop off when you stop thinking about it...?" Of course not.

So if you're aim is to improve your dating and relationships life, you're in a CATCH 22 if appearing to TRY is going to be detrimental to your success!

Anyway here is what I'm thinking when I hear people say "it will happen when you're not trying"

If you are a MAN, women will RARELY be direct and tell you straight that they fancy you, or ask you out, they will rather give off subtle hints in the hope you will make the first move. There's been a few occasions when I thought this may be happening, in which case I had to think VERY hard about how to ask her out, but for the most part, I CANNOT READ THE SIGNS. People have told me about these types of situations retrospectively but at the times I just don't see it. And the times in which it happens are probably too few and far between to become good at noticing the signals, and usually require instant response when you least expect it.
Given that is the situation, and women are very rarely going to be direct, then HOW, as a MAN can you expect it to just 'happen'?

Why I'm restarting this blog ten years later!

Well it's been over 10 years since my last post and reached the grand old age of 40! Blogging is one of those things you start doing because you are eager to share some information, and for a period of time you think you are going to want to post something everyday, but at some point you begin to tire of it. You still have loads you wish to report but presenting that information can be burdensome, especially when very few people are reading this.

Summary of the Past Ten Years

Am I now married or in any serious relationship? No. However, I did have a couple of short term girlfriends back to back at age 32 in 2014-2015, one I met at a singles night and the other on pof. It was a bit of a fluke I feel. I had several dates with another girl a bit further away in 2017. And a couple of other dates with two different women earlier this year. Otherwise not much to report on that front.

However in terms of my social life in general, things have improved incredibly. During 2012 I continued in the dating coaching I had in 2012, my coach suggested I that join a band, start playing my guitar in live settings (I am a fairly good guitarist btw - not sure if I mentioned that earlier) and try to be seen to be around more women, to make myself more attractive to women. 

Around this time my uncle and another friend were hosting a monthly music night, mostly original acts, and I managed to get a few opportunities to play there around 2012 and into 2013. However more significantly, in 2013 I met an attractive female singer through a musicians networking site, who happened to live a ten minute walk away from me, and after initially meeting in June 2013, we performed our first live, paid gig in a pub in August, and continued to do more gigs in different venues, for the next five years, and this opened up a whole new social life for me. Things have largely dried up on this front, we may or may not do more music together in future, but its been a fantastic experience.

In 2017, when things were drying up on the music front, I decided to step out of my comfort zone and take up salsa dancing, which I enjoy very much to this day. I wouldn't say I made many close friends salsa dancing - its not an easy environment to get to know people that well as people are there to dance not talk - however it is added enormous value to my life in terms of acquiring the skill that allows you to go to salsa events confidently and thus opens up a new social world, and you get to interact with women, some very attractive ones I might add. 

I was really getting into salsa and had a few other social outlets in 2019 and then...oh no, 2020 happened. The lockdown in the spring of 2020 was some of my worst nightmares come true, and took me back to the sad place I was in in the early 2000s when I had no friends, except this time there wasn't any potential to forge friendships. Because everyone was scared, either of catching the virus, or of being caught by the police. I couldn't even ask someone to meet for a cup of tea without being called something nasty!

Now if I had seen some tangible, verifiable and robust scientific justification for the lockdown, and real evidence that normal human interactions between healthy people were now somehow going to kill people, and that this lockdown was for a strictly limited period of no more than a couple of months - after which we go back to normal with NO restrictions of any kind...I would have been OK with it. However I did my research and found no such evidence that lockdown was justified, yet massive evidence that we were experiencing grand scale fraud driven by people with vested interests...in which case, if there is no clear scientific justification for putting us into lockdown, how can we ever trust the government to give us the scientific justification to get us out of lockdown?

However, against all the odds, I made more friends than ever before in 2020. I connected with others online who thought exactly like me, and we started meeting in parks, against the guidance. It was indeed quite easy for those of us who disagreed with the prevailing narrative to make friends, as we all felt isolated, lost friends and were desperate for like minded connections.

Time to find a girlfriend

However as I stated at the start of this post, while my friendship circles have increased significantly, this has not automatically translated into me finding a girlfriend. However I have a very good friend who I met through the lockdown period who is very good on this front, we discuss this regularly. 

I feel that now I have hit 40, its time to really focus on finding a special lady, and going on more dates in the meantime. It's been getting to me lately, however I thought I would use this annonymous blog to document my thoughts on this and my journey.