Thursday, 4 November 2010

Why Can't We Just Meet Up As Friends?

In a previous post I spoke about trying to arrange to meet up with Maria, who I've got to know on organised socials and am immensely fond of, not in a sexual way, but really just as a person.

I sent the Facebook message on the Tuesday of the week before I was off work, and she did initially get back to me on Facebook chat to say she'd got my message and it seemed as if she really was keen to meet up, so I told her just to let me know when you're free. However, during the week she never did get back to me, so as it happened I have not seen her since the 25th July, and have not yet met up with her outside an organised social. (She appears not to be going to organised socials for the moment, and I myself have recently unsubscribed from the group, although I may well go back next year. Before anyone asks, the reason for me not going is not because of Maria, although it may be a factor in my decision. The main reason I'm not subscribed is because I'm starting to tire of it generally, having other commitments such as a course I'm doing, and that I'm less inclined to want to go out in winter.)

I have had some interaction with Maria on Facebook since, and my plan has been to leave it for a few weeks and then get back to her in some way. How I'll do that is something I'm still working on, but I have a few ideas.

In discussing the matter with my parents, it made me think of a various taboos in social life, unwritten rules relating to how to mix with the opposite sex, which quite frankly, are piontless and benfit no-one. They are nothing more than obstacles to maintaining and building friendships. Let me explan:

Meeting Up As For a Coffee and Chat Just As Friends. Why Not?

Why is it a taboo for a man and woman to meet up one-to-one, just as friends. Maybe it isn't in all circles, and there may be some exceptions here. I understand if one or other partner is married, it could cause a problem sometimes if their partner was concerned that it would jeopardise their relationship. But why is it a problem for two single people of the opposite sex to meet up for a drink and chat?

Why does arranging to meet up with a member of the opposite sex have to involve working up some other excuse to get together, rather than just having a 30-60 minute conversation? Or alternatively why does it have to involve having to bring a load of other people along, going through the hassle of deciding who else to invite, and finding a time when everybody is free, in order to ensure that the other person doesn't think you're trying to date them? (Mind you, if all women are going to get edgy whenever a certain man wants to date them, why should anyone be suprised that I've never been in a relationship?)

Now when it comes to relationships, there are three main scenarios to deal with.

1. Both Man and Woman meeting up are at least open to, (perhaps eager for) the idea of the relationship with each other.
2. One or other of the partners is at least open to the idea of a relationship. The other just wants to be a friend.
3. Neither Man nor Woman want a relationship with each other. They just enjoy each other's company as friends.

Now I cannot see any reason why in any of those scenarios, there should be a problem with the two people arranging to meet up one-to-one, yet in many situations the only scenario that would be acceptable is scenario 1. I understand that scenario 2 could be difficult, but that is only because of another taboo matter relates to how you go about explaining your feelings to another person. If we could break the taboos that prevent us from being more open and honest about our intentions, (and especially if the one who wants a relationship has another viable means available to obtain one from elsewhere), then meeting up shouldn't be a problem.

The most confusing one is 3, which I think is the case with myself and Maria. We are total opposties in many ways, but we've got on like a house on fire and bounced off each other well. But I am not looking for a relationship with her, and I very much doubt she is with me either. But why should that stop us from just meeting up as friends, for a cup of tea or a walk? Especially if I can make my intentions (or lack of) clear. Now how to do that is another matter, wrought with taboos, which no doubt will be covering in a future post (perhaps very, very, soon).

By making this kind of meet up a taboo, nothing is achieved, no harm is prevented, and all it does is to create an artificial rule which acts as a hinderence to maintaining and developing a friendship. Why? What Purpose Does it Serve?

I think my plan is to forget about other people's taboos, be real and honest about my intentions and just be a go-getter in this area of life.

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